Buzz
Welcome to Evil Week, our yearly exploration of the slightly dubious tricks we typically avoid endorsing. Interested in scoring free beverages, engaging in complex psychological tactics, or, perhaps, discreetly handling finances? We’ve got the insider tips to help you master the art of being cunning.
It’s Evil Week, so let’s dive into revenge. For this week, let’s ignore the (numerous) reasons why seeking revenge is ill-advised—like the idea that “revenge harms the seeker” or “success is the ultimate payback”—and focus on the nitty-gritty of personal retribution. Below, you’ll find a set of guidelines for revenge, a practical checklist to help you strategize and carry out a plan to unsettle your adversary without leaving a trace.
These rules aren’t for impulsive individuals who equate revenge with physical violence. Such rash, emotional reactions often lead to escalation, personal risk, and legal consequences. As Khan Noonien Singh famously stated in Star Trek 2, revenge is most effective when served cold, and delivering such calculated retribution requires careful planning, patience, and unwavering commitment.
Evaluate whether it’s truly worth your effort
Revenge is complicated and can backfire. While careful planning might reduce the risk of your retaliation spiraling out of control, there are no guarantees. Consider whether the suffering you inflict on your opponent justifies the time, energy, and potential consequences you’ll face. (Hint: It likely doesn’t.)
Assess the appropriate level of retaliation
Acts of revenge can vary from mild irritation to completely ruining someone’s life. Since you’re acting as the sole arbiter of justice, reflect on the ethical implications of your actions—not only for your target but also for yourself and those close to you. Decide if your enemy truly warrants retribution and, if so, to what extent.
Avoid illegal actions
Prisons are filled with individuals who wasted their only life locked away, reflecting on how seeking revenge over trivial matters was a grave mistake. Avoid becoming one of them. There are countless cunning strategies to achieve your own form of justice without breaking the law.
Keep it to yourself
You may feel the urge to share your plans, but resist it. The burden of revenge is yours alone to bear, so avoid confiding in friends, partners, or even anonymous forums. This is how people get exposed. Additionally, never claim responsibility once your plan succeeds. Stay silent and let your secret remain buried forever.
Implement a two-year cooling-off period
Patience is the cornerstone of calculated revenge. Once you’ve decided that your target truly deserves retribution and you’ve weighed the risks involved, cut them out of your life and set a reminder for two years later. Wait, and let time sharpen your strategy.
This “cooling off” phase allows you to carefully strategize your revenge, minimizes the likelihood of being identified as the perpetrator, and, most importantly, amplifies the impact on your target.
For example, if you’re fired from a job, you could vandalize your former boss’s car that same night, but they (and law enforcement) would likely suspect you, leading to potential legal trouble. However, if you wait a few years and your enemy’s company faces an FEC investigation on the same day their spouse receives an anonymous tip about their infidelity, it will feel like cosmic justice. They’ll never connect it to a former employee dismissed years ago.
A lengthy waiting period also offers you the chance to reconsider. Perhaps spending two years devising an intricate revenge scheme provides enough emotional release without needing to act. I’m almost suggesting that “living well is the best revenge,” but you might realize that obsessing over others’ downfall is a waste of time and energy, and any satisfaction gained from their suffering would ultimately feel empty.
Legal methods for revenge
While laws exist to prevent the most destructive forms of revenge, there are still plenty of ways to undermine someone without breaking the law. (I’m not a lawyer, so consult your state’s regulations on harassment, stalking, and defamation, and adhere to them strictly—committing a crime is never worth it.)
Engage the authorities: If your target is involved in activities that would attract law enforcement’s attention, consider submitting an anonymous tip. Many shady individuals and businesses have been exposed by investigative journalists using entirely legal means. Follow their lead: uncover the hidden wrongdoings and report them to the authorities. Not only are you achieving revenge, but you’re also contributing to the greater good. However, never submit false reports—that’s a serious crime.
Leverage online reviews: If your target operates a business dependent on online feedback, this is your opportunity to express your grievances. While posting false information could lead to legal issues, sharing honest opinions on platforms like GlassDoor or Yelp is perfectly acceptable. For instance, stating that your former boss is difficult to work with or that a local restaurant serves subpar food is fine, as long as it’s truthful. This approach also applies to emailing employers—stick to facts, but feel free to share your perspective.
Use bizarre revenge methods: Sometimes, the most effective revenge is unconventional. Consider mailing your adversary a single slice of Kraft cheese daily in an unmarked envelope, with no explanation or return address. While it may seem absurd, this tactic will occupy their thoughts endlessly. They’ll constantly wonder who’s behind it and why. Even discussing it with others would be awkward—imagine reporting to the police that you received yet another slice of cheese.
The “lost keys” prank: This is more of a playful stunt than serious revenge, but it’s worth mentioning. You can buy a large number of keys on eBay inexpensively, label them with your target’s name and phone number, and scatter them in various locations. Picture your target receiving numerous calls about their “lost” keys. While you could execute this plan, it’s probably best not to.
High-frequency beeping device: Another prank, but one that’s both simple and brilliantly mischievous. The AnnoyingPCB is a tiny device, about the size of a quarter, that emits random beeps, screeches, or cricket sounds at intervals ranging from five to 45 minutes. If you can discreetly place it in a hard-to-reach spot, like under a coworker’s desk, it will continue its antics for up to three years. If hidden well, they’ll never locate the source.
