Expert Advice on Supporting Caregivers in Your Life

Caring for individuals with health issues is often overlooked, lonely, and exhausting, both physically and mentally. Statistics show that if you aren’t a caregiver yourself, you likely know someone who is. A 2020 report by the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP revealed that around 53 million Americans were caregivers. This figure is expected to rise, with census data predicting that at least one in five people will take on caregiving roles by 2030. This increase is driven by longer lifespans due to medical progress, resulting in a greater need for support.

I experienced this firsthand when my husband, Jon Marc, was diagnosed with glioblastoma, a stage four brain cancer, at just 28 years old. As his primary caregiver, I juggled taking him to appointments, battling insurance companies, managing his medications, and maintaining my full-time magazine job. For over two years, we fought tirelessly for Jon’s life. He passed away at 30 in 2020, a devastating time for everyone, and I’ve been grappling with the profound loss and caregiver PTSD ever since.

Many people struggle to find the right words or actions, which can make an already lonely experience feel even more isolating. Here are six tips for caregivers and those who care about them.

Initiate Contact

When unsure of what to say, silence often feels like the easier option. However, Allison Breininger, founder of The Negative Space, an online caregiver community (and a caregiver herself for her husband), advises reaching out regardless. "When you don’t hear from someone, you start to wonder, Do they even care? Is my situation making them uncomfortable?"

Christina Irving, a licensed clinical social worker and director of client services at Family Caregiver Alliance, emphasizes the importance of honesty. "You can say, ‘I’m not sure what to say, but I care about you and I’m here for you.’" Both experts also suggest sending brief texts or emails with a note like ‘No need to reply’ to ease the burden. (The goal is to provide comfort without adding to their tasks—they can appreciate your message without feeling obligated to respond.) Even without a reply, continue reaching out. Your consistent support reminds them they’re not alone. For inspiration on what to say, visit Embracing Carers for helpful prompts and resources.

Be Specific

Remove "Let me know what I can do" from your vocabulary, advises Breininger. "This puts the burden on the caregiver to assign tasks," she explains. "They have to figure out who can do what and if it aligns with their needs." Instead, propose a specific task that requires minimal effort from them—for instance, offer to prepare and deliver dinner on Tuesday at 6 p.m.

Here are additional ways you can lend a hand:

• Take the dog for a walk
• Cut the grass
• Pick up groceries
• Handle the laundry
• Offer a ride to an appointment

Avoid Bright-Siding

Bright-siding, akin to toxic positivity, occurs when people encourage focusing on the positive, even in dire circumstances. Though well-intentioned, this can invalidate a caregiver’s struggles and emotions. "Bright-siding diminishes the significance of their efforts," Breininger explains. "It also makes them less inclined to share with you in the future." Avoid phrases like "At least it’s not...," "The silver lining is...," or "Everything happens for a reason." Instead, simply listen. Irving emphasizes that caregivers don’t expect solutions—they need someone to acknowledge their efforts. When a caregiver shares updates, listen attentively and affirm their hard work.

Refrain from Problem-Solving

It’s natural to want to solve problems, which might lead you to offer advice or share something you’ve read. However, Irving advises caution. "Caregivers are often bombarded with opinions and critiques, which can be emotionally draining and make them doubt themselves," she explains. If you believe you have valuable information, ask the caregiver first. For example, say, ‘You might already know this, but I came across some organizations focused on this condition—would that be useful?’ Always wait for their approval before sharing.

Avoid Assumptions

While caregiving is undeniably challenging, it isn’t always a wholly negative experience for everyone, notes Christine Crawford, associate medical director for the National Alliance on Mental Illness. "Some caregivers find joy and fulfillment in their role," she explains. Instead of immediately expressing sympathy with phrases like ‘I’m so sorry’ or ‘This must be so hard,’ take a moment to ask how they’re experiencing their role.

Stay Present

Often, caregivers simply need someone to be present. Suggest spending time together, like watching TV after dinner or accompanying them on a walk. "Just being there is crucial," Breininger emphasizes. "Ask, ‘Would you like me to sit with you, or can I come give you a hug?’" Consistency matters. While many people reach out immediately after a health crisis, the quieter moments later can feel the most isolating. Breininger compares it to firefighters and carpenters: Firefighters show up during the blaze, but carpenters stay to help rebuild. Be the carpenter. "It can seem like others have moved on, but checking in during the quieter times tells the caregiver, ‘I see you’re still here. I know you’re still in this. And I’m here with you.’"