Buzz
We often assume that listening is a passive task—whether we're in a meeting, hearing about our partner's day, or tuning into a podcast. In these situations, the active participants seem to be the person speaking, while our role is simply to listen. However, if we're engaging correctly, listening is far from passive.
Sure, the speaker or podcaster may have prepared ahead of time, and your partner likely put effort into sharing their day with you. But if you were truly listening and absorbing their words, that requires focus and energy from you as well. If the term 'active listening' is new to you, or if you're uncertain about its meaning, here's an overview of what it involves and why mastering this skill matters.
What does active listening actually mean?
Active listening requires being fully mentally present when another person is speaking, according to Matt Eventoff, the founder of Princeton Public Speaking, a communication strategy firm. This means not multitasking, not planning your reply while they speak, and avoiding letting your thoughts drift away.
It’s crucial to understand that active listening isn’t confined to specific situations. It can—and should—be practiced at work, home, during social interactions, in class, while running errands, and beyond. While active listening can improve meetings, conference talks, or podcasts, this guide focuses on one-on-one conversations.
Even though active listening has become a widely used term, Eventoff points out that its true meaning is not always fully understood. And because it requires effort, even those who know how to listen actively often fail to do so. "The truth is, many conversations are just two people waiting for their turn to speak and being polite, instead of engaging fully," he says. "We’re all guilty of this—including myself."
Beyond being present, active listening also calls for curiosity, according to Daniel Boscaljon, an executive coach and founder of Healthy Relationship Academy, an organization dedicated to creating healthy workplace cultures. "It encourages your conversation partner to explore deeper by asking thoughtful questions that lead to greater reflection," he says.
How to build and refine your active listening abilities
While active listening comes naturally to some, it can be a struggle for others—particularly those who find it difficult to concentrate or stay focused. If you're unfamiliar with the concept, it can also be hard to know where to begin.
The first thing to remember is that active listening is a skill—one that many people need to learn and continuously improve upon. Below are some strategies and examples to help you get started.
The Fundamentals
To practice active listening in a conversation, stay present and pay attention to what the other person is saying, advises Eventoff. Resist the urge to plan your response while they’re speaking, as this can cause you to miss important information. After they finish speaking, take a brief moment to process their words before responding. And of course, avoid interrupting them—listen fully, then wait for your turn to reply.
For instance, if a colleague criticizes your contributions to a project at work, don’t jump in to defend yourself or mentally prepare a list of counterarguments. Instead, listen attentively to their concerns and how they arrived at their opinions. Once they've finished, take a moment to gather your thoughts, and only then offer your response.
Non-verbal cues
In certain relaxed, informal settings, some people enjoy adding verbal reactions to show that they're not only listening but also genuinely engaged: Expressions like 'no way!' or 'seriously?!' or 'get OUT.' However, these are exceptions. In most conversations, people generally prefer the other person to maintain what Boscaljon calls 'an engaged and focused silence' while they speak.
At the same time, it's important to signal to the other person that you're following their words. This can be done through non-verbal cues like nodding, gently tilting your head, making appropriate eye contact, and mirroring their posture. Just be yourself, because, as Eventoff warns, these actions 'can seem forced if done insincerely or premeditatedly.'
For example, if a friend asks to meet up in person to share that her mother has cancer, listen with non-verbal cues to show you're present and supportive as she speaks. Instead of jumping in with your own experiences with a sick relative, or bombarding her with questions she’s already planning to answer, nod as she shares her story, and maintain eye contact when it feels appropriate.
Ask questions
In addition to showing that you're interested in what someone is saying, asking specific questions can demonstrate that you're actively listening. While general questions are fine, those that refer directly to what they've already shared highlight that you're paying attention and truly engaged.
As Boscaljon explains, each conversation unfolds uniquely, so there's no one-size-fits-all list of questions to ask. However, when in doubt, you can always ask for clarification on a specific term or phrase they've used, or simply ask them to elaborate on a point they've made.
Depending on the situation and the type of conversation, Boscaljon suggests you might start by asking the other person what kind of listening would be most helpful to them. "Certain kinds of discussions benefit from small, frequent questions," he notes. "Others are enhanced by giving space for a deeper question to arise or for the right words to come out. Understanding how to begin will help you adapt your listening approach as the conversation progresses."
For example, if your partner comes home from a challenging day at work and it’s clear they need to talk about it, give them your full attention—staying present as they share details that may not directly involve you. But when it's time to respond, ask a question connected to what they've just shared, such as: 'Are you planning to talk to HR about this?' or 'How long are you stuck with him on your team?' or 'Has your boss noticed how much he's slacking off?'
Practice
The best way to master any skill—active listening included—is through practice. You don’t have to wait for a major conversation at work or with a family member to start honing this ability. According to Boscaljon, even brief interactions with people you meet throughout your day, such as clerks, servers, or drivers, can be excellent opportunities to practice.
Why active listening matters
Active listening benefits everyone involved in a conversation. It helps the speaker feel heard, respected, and valued. On the other side, the listener gains a complete understanding of what was discussed, ensuring they don’t miss any key details. Additionally, it's a versatile skill that applies to virtually any conversation—whether with coworkers, family, romantic partners, or friends.
"Active listening is the key to fostering mutually supportive, sustainable, and fulfilling relationships," says Boscaljon. "It not only improves the sharing of practical information, but also nurtures deeper connections and trust between people."
