Buzz
When I recently inquired about the bad money habits you inherited from your parents, you responded with stories of debt, hardship, and the rocky journey to financial security. However, just because you (eventually) learned not to repeat the mistakes of your parents, it doesn't mean the entire family tree is free from financial issues.
Many of you shared that your parents or relatives continue to face financial struggles, which can make your interactions feel uncomfortable at best—and downright unbearable at worst. While avoiding your family may seem like the easier option instead of addressing these issues, creating boundaries for your own peace of mind requires more than just ignoring their calls. Here’s what you can do if you need space between yourself and your family's financial problems.
Ask questions and trust your instincts
Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, a financial therapist from Michigan, suggests that tuning into your intuition can help you assess the situation. “It may sound a bit mystical,” she admits, but she advises asking yourself, “Is what they are saying, doing, or sharing with me making me uneasy?” The concept of being “bad” with money is so personal that what raises red flags for you might not faze someone who is overspending or deeply in debt.
If you’re uncertain whether someone has the financial knowledge to act in their best interest, Bryan-Podvin suggests trying to engage with them to see if they’re open to change. You can approach the topic by referencing “a friend” to avoid directly calling them out. For instance, saying “I had a friend who thought they were doing fine by managing their credit card balances, but they struggled when applying for a mortgage” could open the door for a crucial conversation. “Try to sneak it in,” Bryan-Podvin advises.
Focus on yourself
If you want to steer clear of getting involved in someone else's financial behavior, explain your decision in terms of your own preference, rather than as a response to their actions.
For example, if your parents want to take you to an expensive brunch, but you're aware of their significant credit card debt and tendency to overspend, you could say something like, “I know you want to do this with me, and I appreciate your generosity, but I feel uncomfortable participating in activities that involve spending a lot of money.” If that doesn’t resonate, Bryan-Podvin suggests taking it further by saying, “It’s uncomfortable for me to watch you spend money that I know you don’t have.”
Focus on “me,” not “you,” to avoid assigning blame and making the spender feel even worse about the situation.
Get Ready for Uncomfortable Times of the Year
Holidays and birthdays can be especially tricky when you and a family member have differing views on money. You could suggest drawing names for a gift exchange with a set price limit, supporting a charitable cause, or even sponsoring a family in need through a local charity.
If you don’t want others buying gifts for you, it’s important to communicate that beforehand, Bryan-Podvin suggests. “If you really need to make it clear, you can say you’re not accepting gifts, and if one is given to you, you’ll return it.”
Set Boundaries When Necessary
If mom and dad aren't getting the message, it's time to set a clearer boundary. Bryan-Podvin suggests remembering that while you can't change someone's spending habits, you can remove yourself from those situations. You might say, “I love you and enjoy spending time with you,” but then add, “I won’t be participating in watching you engage in these activities.” You can propose an alternative, like cooking dinner at home instead of dining out. However, if they decline, Bryan-Podvin emphasizes that you have the right to decide if you want to witness their actions.
Bryan-Podvin often works with clients who have had to distance themselves from siblings due to their financial decisions. When reaching this point, she advises not to shame the person for their choices. “Lead by example,” she suggests. “You can drop subtle hints about the positive behaviors you’ve adopted or even offer to lend them the personal finance resources that have helped you.”
A final piece of advice from Bryan-Podvin: Remember that you’re not alone—most people have their own financial struggles and hangups. If others are upset by the boundaries you set to protect yourself from uncomfortable money behavior, she says, “Those are the people who likely benefited the most when you didn’t have any boundaries.” According to her, “It’s more about them if they react negatively than it is about you.”
