Buzz
Given that we live in a world of billions, it's almost guaranteed that some individuals will act like jerks—whether it's a temporary lapse or an ingrained trait. These people may mistreat us, exploit us, or cause harm for no apparent reason. When this happens, it's our responsibility to call them out. Here's how to do so in a productive manner without sinking to their level.
Confronting someone about their poor behavior can be tricky, so I sought advice from relationship and family therapist Roger S. Gil to understand the best way to manage these potentially tense moments. Here's what I discovered.
Recognize the Behavior and the Root of Your Frustration
Before taking any action, it's crucial to pinpoint exactly what's bothering you. Roger emphasizes that when we're irritated by someone's actions, everything they do can start to feel like a problem.
When someone's behavior frustrates us, it's easy to start disliking them as a whole. This reaction is natural, but it can make even the most minor actions seem irritating. Take a moment to reflect. Is it a specific action that's bothering you, or is it their entire personality? If it's the latter, make sure you can pinpoint what exactly they are doing that's causing irritation. While you might not like the person, it's rarely helpful to attack someone's entire character. Focus on the core of what annoys you.
If you're struggling to identify the issue, talk it out with a friend. Be as neutral as possible and ask them if they think you're overreacting. A friend who knows the person involved and whom you trust with your feelings can be a great help in sorting out your thoughts. Once you've identified what's bothering you, Roger suggests evaluating if it's worth addressing. One way to do this is by measuring how harmful the issue is:
Being bothered by something isn't the same as being harmed. While some may argue that being bothered is a form of harm, use this as a guideline for deciding when to confront someone who might pose a threat. After all, harmless behavior can still irritate us if we're having a rough day. However, it's wise to define 'harm' as something that leads to an immediate negative consequence (e.g., it disrupts your sleep, costs you money, etc.).
Calling someone out on their bad behavior is a significant move—especially for the person on the receiving end. It's easy to get frustrated, but make sure the issue is worth fighting for. If you're nitpicking small things, you're likely to come across as the unreasonable one.
Clarify your specific grievance and approach the person when you're calm, not in a state of anger.
Once you have pinpointed the issue, Roger recommends keeping your complaint clear and to the point:
When a manager needs to reprimand an employee, they are often required to be very specific about the incident that triggered the corrective action. Similarly, when someone's behavior is bothering us or causing harm, we should be able to pinpoint the exact action. It should never be vague (e.g., "That person is rude"); instead, it should be precise (e.g., "I dislike it when they take food from my plate without asking"). This approach helps prevent a ranting session and ensures you focus on the particular behavior without attacking their character.
Your task is to determine exactly what's bothering you. When you confront the person, be prepared to stay on topic and avoid unnecessary details that could dilute your message. Adding too much irrelevant information will only distract from your main point. Additionally, addressing the issue while you're upset can backfire. Roger advises waiting until you're calm before confronting the person:
Therapists often guide couples in managing conflict by first validating their feelings if their anger is a justifiable response. However, they emphasize that the clients should not address the issue while still emotionally charged. The same applies when confronting someone. Reacting impulsively may cause the person to focus on your anger rather than the issue at hand. I typically suggest that clients wait until their emotions subside (usually between 20-30 minutes) before discussing the problem with the other person.
When you're ready to bring up the issue, you might find that simply telling the person about the behavior is enough. Many times, people are unaware that their actions are causing discomfort. For example, I had a friend who often stretched his legs across several movie theater seats, blocking my space. After making a subtle hint, I eventually just told him directly, and he stopped. He had no idea it bothered me or anyone else. But if simply mentioning it doesn't work, Roger suggests explaining the situation by showing cause and effect:
Consider using a "When you [specific action], I feel [emotional response]" approach.
To avoid making an unfair judgment about someone's character (which rarely yields positive results), it’s more effective to focus on the specific behavior and explain its impact on you. Although this might seem like something you'd use with young children, offering a clear "when you… I feel…" statement helps the other person focus on their actions and consider changing. The alternative, making sweeping judgments about their character, will likely make you seem rude and may even escalate the situation if they are difficult.
Changing someone’s negative behavior may not always be possible, but when you confront them, it’s important to remain polite, clear, and respectful. Even if things don’t go as planned, you can leave the situation knowing you handled it with maturity and responsibility.
Prepare for the Worst
When faced with an exceptionally difficult person, it can feel impossible to change their behavior. Roger advises preparing for the worst-case scenario:
While most reasonable individuals will recognize that you are calmly addressing an issue and requesting a behavior change without being confrontational, some people will react negatively. The individuals most prone to harm us with their behavior are often the least rational. If the person you are addressing denies any wrongdoing, justifies their actions, downplays the impact on you, or becomes defensive, it suggests they lack empathy and are overly focused on their own sense of being wronged. This is their issue, not yours (unless you were rude in your approach). Unfortunately, these people are unlikely to change their behavior.
If you don't achieve the change you're seeking, Roger advises having a backup plan ready for how to handle the behavior moving forward. Not every confrontation will lead to a positive outcome, no matter how hard you try, but with a plan B in place, you'll be far better equipped if things don't improve.
