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At the age of 29, April Siese decided to cut ties with her mother in 2012, following years of enduring what she describes as persistent emotional and verbal mistreatment in a home plagued by undiagnosed mental health challenges and substance abuse problems.
“My parents frequently moved me between treatment centers, group homes, and even sent me to a harsh wilderness program,” Siese recalls. “Struggling to accept the blame she placed on me for her own shortcomings, I eventually realized our relationship was irreparable and beyond repair.”
Siese explains that it took her years to understand that her upbringing was far from typical.
“I was unaware that her constant actions—like discarding my possessions, depriving me of sleep, manipulating me, and belittling me (e.g., repeatedly claiming I’d never be capable of holding a job or that I was untrustworthy and would always be a failure)—were abnormal and not behaviors displayed by caring, normal parents,” Siese explains.
Eventually, Siese reached out to her mother to set clear boundaries. “I told her our relationship wasn’t functioning and that I would only communicate through a mediator. I suggested therapy, even offering to return to California for family counseling, but I couldn’t continue our relationship as it was.” When her mother refused and accused Siese of causing her pain, Siese decided to sever ties. “She occasionally sent lengthy texts expressing regret or emails detailing her struggles and sorrow,” Siese recalls. “I had to block her number and filter her emails to maintain my peace.”
Ending or distancing yourself from family relationships is incredibly challenging, whether dealing with abusive or toxic parents or royalty whose followers incessantly spread harmful rumors about you in the media. While repairing the relationship can sometimes be worthwhile, there are situations where cutting ties is the healthiest choice.
Below are some strategies to help you navigate this process—but first, a crucial reminder. Before making the decision to end familial relationships, consider consulting a therapist. Everyone interviewed for this article made the choice to cut ties after years of therapy, ensuring they were confident in their decision. Group or family counseling might also provide valuable insights into the dynamics at play. This is not a decision to make impulsively, but if you determine it’s the best course of action, the following advice may help:
Evaluate the reasons why you and your family member/s need to separate
Every individual and family dynamic is unique, leading people to distance themselves or sever ties with relatives for a variety of reasons.
“Families develop distinct interaction patterns, and behaviors like scapegoating, gaslighting, marginalizing, shaming, neglect, or exerting control can be deeply harmful and emotionally damaging,” explains Peg Streep, author of Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life.
The actions of a family member might provoke strong emotional or physical responses, such as anxiety, panic, or depression. Alexandra White, 29, shares that conversations with her mother, with whom she had a strained relationship exacerbated by her parents’ tumultuous divorce during her high school years, caused severe anxiety. “Seeing her number pop up on my phone made my heart race,” she recalls. “I kept calls brief and delayed returning missed calls for days. She never acknowledged her role in our issues, and eventually, even the thought of speaking to her made me feel sick.” White ended her relationship with her mother in 2012.
If a family member subjects you to physical or sexual abuse, it’s crucial to reevaluate that relationship immediately. For urgent help, contact 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Similarly, if a relative endangers your safety or involves you in legal troubles, treat the situation with the same level of seriousness.
Some warning signs are subtler, such as manipulative tendencies or emotional and verbal abuse, which can be harder to recognize as abnormal. “It might also be unclear when a loved one struggles with substance abuse,” notes Robert E. Emery, PhD., a Psychology Professor at the University of Virginia and author of two books on divorce. “Realizing the severity of their issue can take time. Personality disorders are even more challenging, as they are difficult for professionals to diagnose.”
If a family member is causing you emotional harm or treating you poorly, it may be time to consider ending the relationship.
Seek out a therapist or another neutral professional who can provide guidance and support.
Ending a relationship with a family member is a significant decision that shouldn’t be made in isolation. A skilled therapist can help you reflect on your relationship, explore ways to repair it, and establish healthy boundaries. If reconciliation isn’t possible, they can support you through the process of estrangement.
“No one should decide to cut ties with a family member without thorough self-reflection,” Emery advises. “If you haven’t done this, it’s essential. If you have and concluded it’s time to act, trust your judgment. Seeking an objective perspective, whether from a therapist, lawyer, or a trusted, unbiased friend, can be invaluable.”
Therapy not only helps you establish boundaries and make informed decisions with an unbiased perspective but also provides a crucial support system during and after the process of ending a family relationship.
“Collaborating with a skilled therapist to understand the interaction patterns in your family and their impact on you is undoubtedly the most effective approach,” Streep emphasizes.
Establish minor boundaries before a complete separation
Setting boundaries is crucial in any relationship, whether positive or negative. Your family members might be willing to cooperate if you clearly communicate the issues. “Discuss the problems openly and attempt to establish some guidelines for the relationship,” Emery suggests. “Begin by defining clear boundaries and consider a temporary pause rather than an immediate end.”
For example, if your relatives often rely on you for financial support, you could say, “I value our relationship, but I can no longer provide financial assistance.” If you’re constantly caught in the middle of your parents’ arguments, let them know you won’t mediate anymore. If your sister insists on debating politics, request that she avoid such topics with you. Be ready to enforce these boundaries firmly—if your sister brings up politics despite your request, it’s reasonable to leave the room or take other measures to demonstrate your seriousness.
Every situation varies, and some relationships demand stricter boundaries. “If a family member struggles with substance abuse, has been physically violent, makes threats, or has a complex issue like a personality disorder, it’s time to set very clear rules,” Emery advises.
The specific rules depend on the situation. “You might need to reduce or completely cut off contact, including blocking their number,” Emery explains. “You may have to stop providing financial aid or rescuing them during crises, such as when they’re upset, intoxicated, or facing legal issues. Alternatively, you might decide to offer limited assistance, like contacting their therapist or taking them to the ER, but letting professionals handle the rest.”
If you feel you’re in immediate danger, contact 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Keep in mind that even after separating from your family, reconciliation might still be possible, particularly with the guidance of a therapist or mediator. Taking time apart can allow for healing and reflection, creating an opportunity to mend the relationship in the future.
Consider mediation
If you believe more substantial steps are necessary, seeking family mediation or therapy is advisable, as long as abuse isn’t a factor in the situation.
“I would always recommend trying a joint counseling session, if the other party is willing, to explore whether open dialogue and resolution are possible,” says Carl Pickhardt Ph.D, author of WHO STOLE MY CHILD? Parenting Through Four Stages of Adolescence. “Often, the person you find hurtful may feel the same about you, so mutual incompatibility can be a shared starting point for improvement.”
Having a mediator is also beneficial, as they can ensure accountability, assist in negotiating terms and boundaries, and offer an unbiased perspective on your family dynamics—something that might not emerge in individual therapy sessions.
Clearly communicate the separation and adhere to the boundaries you establish
If, after self-reflection, setting small boundaries, or attempting mediation, you still believe ending the relationship is necessary, inform the family member directly. Avoid ghosting them, unless they are abusive—in which case, consult your therapist and mediator to plan a safe course of action.
“Everyone, even challenging individuals, deserves a clear explanation for the decision,” Emery states. “Once you’ve determined your course of action, that’s where you begin.”
Before ending the relationship, clearly define the boundaries you want to establish. You can choose to cut off all contact or restrict interactions to specific situations, times, or frequencies. For example, in 2018, Rafael R., now 43, decided to distance himself from his mother and stepfather after enduring years of abuse from his stepfather. He confronted his mother directly, explaining that their relationship could no longer continue under the same conditions.
“I told her I wanted nothing to do with my stepfather and that there were unresolved issues from my childhood that needed to be addressed,” Rafael, who opted to keep his last name private, explains. “I said, ‘Our relationship can’t move forward until these issues are resolved, and I can’t resolve them for you. This is how things will be from now on, and I’m sorry it has come to this.’”
While Rafael no longer communicates with his stepfather, he maintains limited contact with his mother, though their relationship is far less close than before. “Our relationship is civil but not what you’d call familial,” Rafael shares. “We text occasionally, and I’ll miss her when she’s gone because she’s my mom. But there’s no deep connection anymore.”
Once you establish your boundaries, Emery emphasizes the importance of sticking to them. “Before taking any action, you must be confident in your decision and committed to following through,” Emery advises. “If they continue to text, block their number. If they show up at your door, don’t let them in. You need to be firm in your resolve, knowing this is the right choice for both you and your family member, to avoid enabling harmful behavior.”
Anticipate broader consequences
Ending a relationship with certain family members often impacts your connections with others in the family. “Cutting ties with one person can ripple through the entire family, not just the relationship you’re ending,” Pickhardt notes. “For instance, if one adult child refuses to interact with another, parents and other relatives may struggle with the new division and distance it creates.”
Make it clear to the family members you want to maintain relationships with that you still care for them and won’t force them to choose sides. White, for example, remains close to her father and brother, though her brother faced challenges after she stopped speaking to their mother. “My brother still talks to her, and she would drag him into the middle, trying to guilt me through him. I had to ask him not to get involved,” White explains.
Sometimes, other family members may disregard your decision and interfere despite your requests. “My family is liberal but rooted in traditional Catholic values, which emphasize never turning your back on family,” Siese shares. “My relatives refuse to separate their relationship with me from my decision to stop talking to my mom.”
You might need to set boundaries with extended family as well. “They don’t have to approve of or agree with your boundaries. They might strongly oppose them,” Pickhardt states. “You’re doing this for yourself, not them, and their lack of support may simply be collateral damage you’re prepared to accept.”
There may still be situations where you have to interact with estranged family members, which can be incredibly challenging. Siese encountered her mother at a relative’s funeral shortly after ending their relationship. “The first person I saw in the church bathroom was my mom,” Siese recalls. “It was awful. I felt obligated to manage her emotions, leaving myself vulnerable to playing therapist and grief counselor for her.”
Despite her mother’s attempts to sway her, Siese remained firm in her decision. “She suggested, ‘Maybe you can come visit,’” Siese recalls. “I didn’t respond, and things stayed as they were.”
Allow yourself the time and freedom to grieve
Ending any relationship is challenging, but severing ties with a family member, particularly a parent or child, is especially difficult. “It’s tough because we intellectually value family and are culturally attached to the idea of it,” Emery explains. “It’s about realizing, ‘Maybe my mother isn’t the person I hoped she’d be.’ It’s not just losing a troubled relationship but also the hopes and dreams of what that family could have been.”
If you were in therapy before ending the relationship, continue sessions to process feelings of guilt or loss. If not, consider starting therapy if possible. White, for example, relied on therapy to navigate her strained relationship with her mother. “Therapy helped me realize that just because she gave birth to me doesn’t mean I owe her indefinitely,” White says. “I’ve focused on improving myself rather than worrying about a relationship I can’t control.”
Experiencing guilt or loss is normal, and closure may never come. “I never fully expressed myself to my parents,” Siese, who later cut ties with her father as well, shares. “I wanted answers, but that’s unlikely to happen. You need to accept that removing a toxic element from your life doesn’t automatically resolve other issues.”
Ensure you allow yourself the emotional space to process your feelings. “There’s a sense of grief and loss involved, and it’s important to acknowledge and respect those emotions,” Rafael R. emphasizes.
Remember, even if you can’t maintain a relationship with your biological family, it doesn’t mean you’re without love or support. “One piece of advice I wish I’d received is that you’re not alone if you decide to cut ties with your family or end a toxic relationship with a relative,” Siese notes. “Your chosen family can often step into that role, and there are others who understand and share your experience.”
