Buzz
Friendship often comes with the comfort of having someone to confide in, share both joyful and difficult moments with, and seek support from. But occasionally, it may feel as though a friend sees you not just as their companion, but as their personal therapist—turning to you constantly with their problems and, in some instances, asking for advice or solutions.
Though you may believe you’re offering helpful support, this dynamic isn’t always beneficial for either of you. In an article for Well+Good, Minaa B., a therapist and mental health educator from New York City, explores why a friend shouldn’t replace a therapist and offers guidance on how to establish healthy boundaries in your friendship when needed. Here’s what to understand.
You are not your friend’s therapist
If a co-worker or someone you frequently encounter began speaking to you regularly, expecting you to listen, process their words, and offer advice, you’d likely let them know that this arrangement isn’t working for you. However, when it’s a friend in need, it becomes far more difficult to say no.
As Minaa B. highlights, we live in a time where there’s a strong emphasis on openly discussing our mental health, including our struggles. “While that’s positive, it’s equally crucial to remember that not everyone is mentally equipped to take on and manage our personal emotional burdens,” she writes.
It’s entirely possible to deeply care for your friend, but still lack the energy or emotional capacity to provide the level of support they are seeking or require.
How to establish healthy boundaries in your friendship
Here are three helpful tips from Minaa B. on setting necessary boundaries with a friend who sees you as their therapist:
Make them aware of your limits
Unless you express to your friend that there’s a limit to how much emotional labor you can handle in the friendship—and that you’ve reached it—they likely won’t realize how you feel. “At times, we wait for others to figure out things that we actually have the ability to communicate,” Minaa B. writes. “Be open to sharing what your boundaries are.”
Guide them to helpful resources
While you can’t serve as your friend’s therapist, you can still direct them to resources they may find useful. If you come across something that might benefit your friend, Minaa B. suggests using kind and supportive language to maintain the boundaries you’ve set while offering the recommendation.
“For example, ‘I understand that I don’t have the expertise to assist or offer advice, but I genuinely want to support you. I found a resource called x, and I believe it could be really helpful for you to consider reaching out for further support,’” she writes.
Be truthful with your friend (and yourself)
Unless you’re a licensed therapist (and in that case, you wouldn’t take a friend as a client), no matter how well-intentioned you are, your advice could potentially lead your friend in the wrong direction or leave them without the appropriate support. For this reason, Minaa B. emphasizes the importance of being honest with both your friend and yourself about these limitations—it’s in everyone’s best interest.
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