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Boundaries reflect how we express our needs and limits in a relationship, signaling to others what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. We often set boundaries in everyday situations, like telling a partner to avoid shouting during disagreements or telling a friend, 'I don’t want to discuss this right now.' However, navigating these boundaries online can sometimes be more challenging.
In November, feminist wellness expert Melissa Fabello shared a screenshot of a friend's text inquiring if she was open to a deep conversation. Shortly after, Fabello posted her response about being 'at capacity,' which she encouraged others to use as a model for explaining when they are too overwhelmed for a conversation.
Just over a week later, a user named Yana posted a similar text exchange, where they asked a friend, 'Are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?'
For those dealing with anxiety, depression, burnout, stress, and other overwhelming physical and mental struggles—or those who have been surrounded by individuals who regularly overstep boundaries—setting rules and testing the waters can be incredibly important.
Understanding how boundaries function and their significance
The idea of boundaries may not always be directly addressed, but if you haven’t thought about it, chances are you’re already subtly conveying when you're available and for what purposes. People have different needs in this area, and our increasingly connected world isn’t designed to accommodate that level of diversity.
Katie Lear, a licensed professional counselor, stated, “Many of us now have devices strapped to our wrists that alert us to calls, emails, and texts constantly. It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling obligated to respond to messages at any time.”
Erica Wiles, also a licensed professional counselor, suggests that the first step is identifying your own boundaries. She advises thinking about how much personal information you're willing to share on social media or with close friends, how emotionally involved you're ready to be, and how many people you're comfortable sharing this with. Also, consider if you're more inclined to give advice or if you prefer offering a listening ear, and communicate these preferences to your friends.
Lear advises individuals who feel overwhelmed to establish clear time boundaries for when they are available to respond.
“If you must send an email at 10pm, at least schedule it to send the next day so you don’t unintentionally signal that you're always reachable late into the night,” she recommended.
The same approach applies to personal texts. On nights when I feel especially anxious, I sometimes remind myself to reply to a friend's text in the morning to avoid forgetting. I also use a Gmail extension called Inbox When Ready, which hides my inbox unless I am actively checking emails, signaling that it may take me some time to respond. Not long ago, when I emailed a friend for a favor, she suggested texting her about the request on a day when she would be less busy, and I was happy to respect that boundary—it worked out well for both of us.
In the end, we are only accountable for ourselves. We can’t expect others to understand our boundaries unless we communicate them clearly.
Managing Your Availability
Naturally, relationships involve being there for the people you care about, and expecting the same in return. However, being available all day, every day, isn't healthy for most relationships, which is why experts advise setting clear boundaries once you identify your own limits.
“In the past, if the phone rang at a bad time, we simply didn’t pick it up. It was that simple,” said psychotherapist and sociologist Kathrine McAleese. “You can still do that... Choose when you're available and respect your right to make that decision.”
According to Wiles, a common mistake people make is to ignore their frustration when someone takes advantage of them.
“Acknowledge those feelings; don’t bury or dismiss them,” she advised. “If you do, you’ll end up drained and experience empathy burnout. Be mindful of when you've reached your limit, and reassert your boundaries by communicating them clearly to your friends.”
At times, the issue isn’t just one person or a specific topic—it’s the endless stream of emotional expression (and expectations) on social media. While the simplest solution is to turn it off, as Lear pointed out, we often feel obligated to respond when someone texts, emails, tweets, or reaches out in other ways. Alternatives include muting (when someone shares too much upsetting content, but you don’t want to block or unfollow them), curating (unfollowing or blocking people whose posts bother you, especially if having a conversation with them wouldn’t be productive), and, once again, setting boundaries for availability (e.g., only checking social media at specific times of the day).
Dealing with crossed boundaries
A crossed boundary can manifest in many ways: discussing a topic that's considered off-limits, disregarding requests to refrain from texting during certain hours, or relying on a friend or acquaintance for constant emotional unloading. Sometimes, simply expressing discomfort can resolve the situation, but the approach and comfort level can differ depending on the relationship. In some cases, crossed boundaries may lead to an unhealthy imbalance.
When conversations with a friend shift from a balanced exchange of venting to one person constantly needing to share, it may be a sign you're slipping into ‘therapist mode.’
“When conversations with a friend shift from mutual venting to one person continually needing to talk, it’s an indication that you might be moving into ‘therapist mode,’” said Lear. “It can help to gently guide the conversation back to a balanced exchange.”
Once again, you want to support your friends. However, if you feel like someone is taking advantage of your empathy and availability, or if they seem to need professional help, it can be beneficial to steer the conversation toward shared experiences or interests, or to address the issue directly, depending on your relationship. In the long term, Lear explained, this approach benefits both parties by reducing burnout and resentment.
In certain extreme situations, drastic actions may be necessary. McAleese advises that if someone continues to overstep boundaries despite being told, you might need to “turn off your phone, redirect them to someone else who can offer better assistance, or set firm boundaries and, most importantly, stick to them.”
In the end, we are only responsible for ourselves. We can't expect others to understand our limits unless we clearly communicate them, and we cannot be expected to bear the emotional burdens or trauma of others. However, if we’re better equipped to express our needs, limits, and what we can offer to our friends, we won’t need a one-size-fits-all approach.
