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Even with the best intentions, your words of comfort might unintentionally offend. Mastering the art of conveying genuine empathy to those in mourning is essential. Here are seven critical mistakes to avoid when offering your support.
Avoid Making Comparisons
While you may have faced loss yourself or know someone who has, never draw parallels to your own experiences. April Masini, a renowned etiquette and relationship expert, tells the New York Times that it’s crucial to keep the focus on the bereaved. Avoid phrases like “I know how you feel,” as they can diminish the unique depth of their grief. Your loss, no matter how profound, doesn’t equate to understanding the complexities of their relationship with the deceased. Refrain from assuming their pain mirrors your own.
Never Suggest It’s for the Best
Since you neither created the universe nor possess insight into its future, avoid suggesting that the death was for the best or labeling it as a 'blessing.' Such claims are presumptuous and insensitive. Even if the deceased endured suffering, these remarks remain inappropriate. Diane Gottsman, founder of The Protocol School Texas, emphasizes that such statements often sound shallow and dismissive. Implying that their passing is a 'positive event' is deeply disrespectful. Allow the bereaved to form their own perspective on the situation.
Avoid Imposing Religious Beliefs
Unless you’re certain the grieving individual shares your faith, refrain from sharing religious sentiments, advises grief counselor Amy Olshever. Phrases like 'They’re in heaven now' or 'They’re in a better place' may be well-intentioned but are only comforting if the bereaved holds similar beliefs. Conversely, if you’re not religious but the grieving person is, avoid insincerely echoing their beliefs. Dishonesty in such moments can come across as disrespectful.
Avoid Overusing Social Media
Don’t Limit Your Support to Texts or Emails
While texting and emailing are common for everyday communication, certain situations, like expressing condolences, require a more personal touch. A phone call or, better yet, an in-person conversation is far more meaningful. If they don’t answer your call, leave a heartfelt voicemail. Hearing your voice can provide much more comfort than a written message. You can always follow up with a text later if you feel it’s necessary.
Consider sending a handwritten note or condolence card. This approach feels more genuine and allows the bereaved to process your message at their own pace. Amidst the flood of calls and texts, a physical card offers a tangible reminder that others care deeply about their well-being.
Avoid Overused Phrases
While it’s challenging to steer clear of clichés when offering sympathy, try to avoid phrases that state the obvious in an overly sentimental way. Comments like 'They’re at peace now' or 'It was their time' often fall flat. If you’re unsure what to say, grief counselor Amy Olshever suggests keeping it simple and sincere. A straightforward 'I’m sorry for your loss' is more impactful than forced or elaborate statements. Sharing a fond memory of the deceased can also show your support and remind them they’re not alone in their grief.
Avoid Making Hollow Promises
While offering assistance is a thoughtful gesture, it’s crucial to do so effectively. Avoid vague statements like 'Let me know if you need anything,' which place the burden on them. Instead, provide specific examples of how you can assist. Offer to cook a meal, care for their pet, handle household tasks, run errands, or pick up groceries—anything that genuinely eases their burden.
Above all, don’t delay reaching out. It may seem like you’re intruding during their difficult time, but your support, comfort, and even a brief distraction through a visit can make a significant difference.
