How to Forgive Yourself, Even When It Seems Impossible

Taking care of your mental well-being involves many aspects, one of which is learning the art of self-forgiveness. Nearly everyone has moments in their life they struggle to forgive themselves for—like when you said something hurtful, handed in a project full of errors, or perhaps when you lied, cheated, or stole.

If these past actions continue to haunt you—whether they’re deserved or not—it means you haven’t truly forgiven yourself. No matter what happened, it’s important to do so. Here, a mental health expert offers practical tips and techniques to finally release the guilt, as well as insights on why self-forgiveness is vital for your personal growth.

Why Self-Forgiveness Matters

Forgiving yourself is essential because if you don’t, these past missteps may start to shape your identity, warns mental health professional John Delony, Ph.D. Many people mistakenly think that holding on to regret shows you’re truly sorry, but in reality, it only hinders your progress, Delony explains.

"We might believe that holding onto the worst thing we've done somehow earns us more grace, but it doesn't. In fact, it causes us to approach relationships from a weaker position. More importantly, choosing not to forgive yourself means choosing a life with less joy," Delony highlights. From enhancing your social and emotional growth to improving relationships, here are a few reasons why self-forgiveness matters.

Enhanced Self-Esteem

Forgiving yourself allows you to let go of guilt or shame tied to past actions. This helps lift the emotional weight and negativity that haunts your mind. Continuous self-criticism, such as feelings of blame or guilt, can severely affect your self-esteem. By minimizing these thoughts and learning from your mistakes, you can begin to feel better about yourself and your value.

Improved Mental Health

Ongoing feelings of self-blame can hurt your mental well-being, potentially contributing to conditions like anxiety, depression, and others. Self-forgiveness supports a healthier, more positive state of mind.

Stronger Connections

Practicing self-compassion and offering yourself forgiveness helps cultivate empathy and compassion for others, while reducing the tendency to judge. This promotes healthier relationships as you come to understand that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.

Boosted Productivity

When we don't forgive ourselves for past mistakes, our emotional and mental health suffers, which in turn can reduce our productivity. By accepting our mistakes and learning from them, as well as offering ourselves forgiveness, we can improve our efficiency in both work and daily life.

Ways to Forgive Yourself

Now that you understand the significance of self-forgiveness and its positive impact on your daily life and mental health, consider using some of these techniques to help you achieve it.

1. Acknowledge Your Emotions

Your emotions are a natural part of the healing journey, but it's essential to recognize and understand them. While it might be tempting to ignore these feelings, they are likely to resurface if not dealt with. Truly moving forward involves confronting your emotions, understanding why you feel that way, and processing them.

However, it's crucial not to dwell on these emotions. There's no need to keep feeling guilty. Once you identify the reasons behind your feelings, it's time to accept them so you can forgive yourself and start feeling better.

2. Separate the Mistake from Who You Are

If you find yourself punishing yourself for a mistake and then punishing yourself for doing that, it's a never-ending cycle that won't help you feel any better. Instead, recognize that your guilt had a purpose, but that purpose isn't to torment you endlessly.

"Your brain is wired to ensure you remember your capacity to hurt others so that you don't repeat the mistake," Delony explains. This is why our mistakes can feel so overwhelming—they serve as a constant reminder because we fear making the same errors again.

However, if you can accept that you haven't made the same mistake and that the memory's purpose has been fulfilled, you can start to let go of the obsession. "It's difficult because your body is so invested in you remembering what happened," says Delony. "You must make the choice to see this as an event, not a reflection of who you are." Instead of carrying around the fear of repeating your mistake, turn it into wisdom: I've learned from this, and I won't repeat it.

3. Put Your Thoughts on Paper

Journaling is a powerful tool for emotional healing, and it can be especially beneficial in the process of self-forgiveness. "One of the strategies I recommend when someone struggles with forgiveness is to write down their thoughts and challenge them," says Delony. "For example, you might write something like, I am a liar, I am untrustworthy, and then ask yourself to provide evidence for that belief."

Ask yourself: Are you genuinely untrustworthy, or did you simply make one untrustworthy decision at one point? Reflect on this by, for example, writing down the instances where you've acted in an untrustworthy way. You might find the list is quite brief, mostly defined by that one memory you haven't forgiven yourself for.

"If that thought is still bothering you years later, you're probably a trustworthy person who just got caught in a tough situation," Delony suggests. Once you realize there's no real evidence to support the idea that you are fundamentally bad, it's much easier to offer yourself forgiveness for that mistake.

4. Request Forgiveness

If you've done something significant enough that you're struggling to forgive yourself, chances are there was someone else involved. Part of forgiving yourself is acknowledging to the other person that you recognize you were wrong.

"The only path to healing is through vulnerability and honesty," says Delony. "If you’ve made a serious mistake, step one is to say it aloud and own your part in what happened. Then, ask for forgiveness. However, you can't base your healing on whether or not that forgiveness is granted. You don't get to define what forgiveness looks like."

In other words, the person or people you hurt might not forgive you, and that’s perfectly fine. You've been carrying the belief that you were wrong, and now you've shared that with them. What they choose to do after that doesn’t need to prevent you from forgiving yourself. They have their own right to their feelings, just as you have the right to stop punishing yourself.

5. Learn From Your Mistake

Everyone makes mistakes at some point, so part of forgiving yourself involves learning from those errors. Instead of repeatedly criticizing yourself, try turning the mistake into a chance to grow. Ask yourself: What were the circumstances that led to this behavior? Reflect on the situation, your actions (or reactions), and what you could do differently next time.

Remember that you acted with the knowledge and resources available to you at the time. Now, with more experience, you can avoid repeating the same mistake and handle similar situations more effectively. Recognizing that you can improve and will likely not make the same mistake again will make self-forgiveness easier.

6. Accept the Consequences

Forgiving yourself means acknowledging that you might have earned the consequences you received, but those consequences don't need to linger and define you. As Delony points out, "You may have been fired for a lie you told at work. You must be willing to separate the result from who you truly are."

In this case, being fired could be an appropriate consequence for a lie, but that doesn't mean you are a liar, nor does forgiving yourself imply you were right in your actions. Delony explains, "Does that mean you’re permanently a liar? No, it means you lied once."

Delony suggests reframing consequences as opportunities for renewal: "This was my past. Who do I choose to be moving forward?" By establishing a new vision for yourself and how you'll apply the lessons learned from your mistakes, you can gradually detach from the burden of guilt.

7. Imagine Giving Advice

At times, it's easier to step outside yourself and imagine the situation happened to someone else. If a friend or family member had made the same mistake, what advice would you give them?

You could even role-play the situation with a trusted friend if it helps. Ask them to pretend the mistake was theirs, while you offer advice on how they can forgive themselves. Then, take the advice you gave and apply it to your own situation.

8. Talk to a Professional

Forgiving yourself is a process that requires time, patience, and effort. But if you’ve tried various methods and still find it difficult to move forward, seeking professional help could be a wise step.

Consult a therapist, counselor, or mental health professional who can guide you through your emotions and provide coping strategies. They can help you navigate your thoughts, offer actionable steps, and suggest techniques to ease your journey of self-forgiveness.