Buzz
Sometimes, to get what you want, you need to influence others. A gentle push in the right direction can be helpful. However, it's important to remember that there's a delicate balance between persuasion and intimidation.
Recently, Alaska's Senators Lisa Murkowski and Dan Sullivan raised concerns about receiving what they saw as a threatening phone call from Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke. Murkowski, a Republican, had voted against the recent GOP healthcare bill, prompting Zinke to inform them that their state's relationship with the Trump administration might be at risk. This move sparked a great deal of controversy, with some accusing the White House of extortion. Regardless of whether Zinke intended to sound threatening, that’s how his message came across. In general, threats are ineffective, especially for ordinary individuals who aren't entangled with powerful political figures, villains, or criminal organizations.
Become a More Generous Person
Persuasion can feel a bit awkward or uncomfortable, but it’s important to note that it’s not about manipulation. It's about presenting yourself as someone others are eager to support or even simply listen to. So, how can you become more persuasive in your everyday interactions? Begin by focusing on reciprocity. Dr. Robert Cialdini, in his book *Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion*, explains that when you give something to someone, they're more likely to return the favor. For example, if you invite someone to your birthday party, they're more likely to invite you to theirs.
To win someone over, be the first to offer something of value, and ensure it feels tailored to them—maybe even a little surprising. It also helps to make an offer. If you can give something in return, they’ll be more likely to give you their time and attention. The worst approach is to threaten to take something away. It's all about giving, not taking.
Demonstrate That You’re On Their Side
Next, put yourself in their shoes. What’s their viewpoint on the situation? Match their body language so they feel at ease, and adjust your attitude to reflect theirs. For example, you might be having lunch plans with a friend. You’d like to go to Taco Bell, but know you need to convince them. If they seem in a good mood, you mirror that. Then, when they raise a concern about Taco Bell, offer a general agreement without being dishonest:
Them: It's not the healthiest choice.
You: True, but it’s not the worst option either.
Them: We just had fast food yesterday.
You: Yeah, you’re right. There’s not much else around here, though.
When your friend finally expresses something positive about Taco Bell, confirm their enthusiasm and push the idea forward confidently:
Them: Well, it’s affordable...
You: Super affordable, and super convenient.
Them: And I do love those Doritos tacos...
You: They’re the best! Let’s treat ourselves today.
Avoid telling them they’re wrong or engaging in an argument—this will only make them defensive and close off. Instead, focus on the points they make that work in your favor. Let them know you’re listening and open to their views, while reinforcing the things you both agree on. You may still not end up with tacos for lunch, but this method is far better than saying something like, “If we don’t go to Taco Bell, I’m not eating.”
Be Likable
Finally, be kind to others, smile genuinely, dress well, and offer a heartfelt compliment (not a fake one). Be fully present in your conversations, make eye contact, listen carefully to everything they say, use your body language to express yourself, and project a bit of confidence.
And, most importantly, have an authentic conversation with people before you ask for anything. People can tell when you're trying to manipulate them, so find common ground and connect before attempting to influence them. If you can demonstrate how you're similar to them, you’re off to a strong start. Being persuasive doesn’t mean being forceful—so keep it classy.
