Buzz
I envy dog owners. It’s easy to meet a dog while walking down the street, and dogs tend to trust you right away. Cats, however, are a different breed. They need to be convinced first. I spoke to three cat behavior experts who explained why cats are this way and shared tips on how to become friends with a cat—even in just one session.
Approach it like a wild creature
Why do cats, even those raised by kind humans, remain distant? I knew they don’t undergo the same selective breeding process as dogs, but I didn’t truly grasp the extent of this difference until I spoke to science writer Tom McNamee, author of The Inner Life of Cats.
Humans have been breeding dogs for over 100,000 years, according to McNamee. Cats, on the other hand, have only been companions to humans for around 5,000 years, after North African wildcats began following humans as rat catchers. For most of that time, “they’ve been hanging around barns,” says McNamee, with no selective breeding like dogs had, which transformed wolves into hundreds of different breeds. Cats were only brought indoors a couple of centuries ago, meaning they are still quite similar to their wild ancestors. “You could steal a North African wildcat kitten,” he says, “and it’d make a pretty decent cat.” As a result, cats are basically still wild and can't be trained the same way dogs can.
“Cats are not dogs,” says Jackson Galaxy, author of Total Cat Mojo and host of Animal Planet’s My Cat From Hell. “It may sound blunt, but we tend to view cats through the same lens as dogs. We must treat cats with the same respect we give humans.” This means taking a much slower approach to introductions, while acknowledging that cats are still self-reliant hunters at heart.
A cat begins to assess its surroundings as soon as you walk into a room. It can detect the scent of other animals on you, including dogs you may have passed by earlier, says cat behaviorist Mieshelle Nagelschneider, author of The Cat Whisperer. If you’re about to meet a cat, avoid carrying the scent of other animals on you.
For a deeper approach, you can spray your shoes with pheromones like Comfort Zone or Feliway. These sprays, often available as diffusers or sprays to reduce territorial behaviors, work by calming the cat rather than agitating it.
Once inside, avoid blocking any potential exits, advises Galaxy. Cats are territorial and cautious, so “they’re viewing the entire room as a strategic map.” Your goal is to present yourself as a friend, not a threat, and all your actions should reflect that approach.
Act like you’re not interested in the cat
People who are allergic to cats and those who’ve been rejected by them often agree: it seems like cats always gravitate toward the one person who isn’t interested in their attention. McNamee explains this, saying that the typical behaviors cat lovers use, like walking toward a cat while making kissy noises, actually push them away. Here's how you can avoid coming across as a threat:
Don’t make eye contact with the cat. And don’t approach it directly. Let the cat come to you while you keep your gaze downward, focusing on the floor.
Don’t loom over the cat. Relax your posture, keep your hands in your lap, or sit on the floor. “Have the owner sit with you,” suggests McNamee. “This signals to the cat that you're not a threat.”
Keep quiet. Speak softly and avoid loud noises. Make sure any kids or dogs are kept at a distance.
Don’t stick your hand out toward it. Once a cat is familiar with your presence, gently offer your finger for it to sniff, but do so subtly. Avoid pointing or extending your palm. Galaxy suggests the “Michelangelo” approach: dangle your hand with your finger slightly extended. Your fingertip resembles a cat’s nose, says Galaxy. “And you can introduce your nose to theirs.” Watch him demonstrate the technique:
Don’t rush the process. Wait for the cat to show confidence, says Galaxy, by casually walking through the room or rubbing up against you. Take your time before attempting to pet. “Don’t pat them on the side or tap their head,” McNamee advises. Focus on the cheeks and behind the ears—areas with glands, similar to how kittens are licked by their mothers.
Even if a cat is rubbing against you, “that’s not always an invitation to pet them,” cautions Nagelschneider. If you act too quickly, you could lose the cat’s trust.
Don’t give up. “If the cat runs away, you haven’t lost the game, but you’ve lost a round,” says McNamee. Galaxy adds, “On my show, my first encounters with cats often seem to go terribly. But I can always get them to forgive me.”
Enter hunter mode.
Nagelschneider recommends a more hands-on approach: engage the cat with a wand toy or laser pointer. “It’s a proactive strategy to eliminate fear,” she explains. “It helps them feel more confident and at ease around you.” The goal is to build a confident cat—not just because it's adorable, but because a confident cat is less fearful, and you can work with that. You can trick their little cat minds.
A wand toy allows the cat to keep its distance while still interacting with you, especially if you hide it behind furniture or in other areas to make the “prey” more lifelike. “The trick is to activate what’s called their ‘seeking circuit,’” says Nagelschneider.
Galaxy is more cautious about this method: “Confidence only comes on their terms. There’s no shortcut around their instincts.” You might try playing after some trust has been established. It might not win every cat over immediately, but I’ve definitely earned more affection from a friend's cat after a few rounds of laser pointer play.
Bribery can also work wonders. Place a treat on the floor, “maybe about three feet away,” says McNamee. Gradually move the treats closer. Galaxy suggests dropping treats like “pennies from heaven,” again avoiding direct interaction that might seem confrontational.
Feeding the cat its regular meal can also be a perfect moment, says McNamee. “Place the food in their usual spot and then sit beside it.”
Make your cat more accommodating to visitors
While there’s only so much you can do to win over a new cat, as a cat owner, you have a lot of opportunities to help your cats get along better with visitors.
A treat is more effective when the cat only receives it on special occasions, says Galaxy: “Nothing wrong with bribery.” In fact, he thinks bribery should be a fundamental part of treat-giving. “I’m not a fan of just handing out treats for no reason. Food is our only leverage. They don’t care about pleasing us—it’s just not in their nature, unlike with dogs.” He suggests saving a “jackpot” treat for guests to give exclusively. Ideally, a visit from a guest should feel as exciting as a visit from Santa.
As an owner, you can advocate for your cats and offer your guests all the helpful advice listed above. “We often feel awkward telling people what to do or what not to do,” says Galaxy, “but it’s perfectly fine for you to protect your cat.” You don’t want your guest to feel anxious—if they do, the cat will pick up on it and become anxious too. Help your guests understand what appeals to your cat. In his book, Galaxy even suggests that guests ignore the cat on the first visit and wait until later visits to establish trust.
Raise a more sociable cat
“Fear is always present” in cats, says McNamee. “They’re easily startled. So if you can arrange their environment to minimize fear, life becomes much easier.” This includes taking care of their litter box, feeding routines, and other factors discussed in the works of all three experts.
A lot of a cat’s behavior is shaped in its early years. “The way kittens are raised plays a crucial role in how friendly and domesticated they become,” says McNamee. An often-overlooked study, highlighted in his book, shows that kittens handled as early as one or two weeks old (instead of the usual seven weeks) are better socialized as adults. He also suggests that kittens stay with their mother for the first 12–16 weeks rather than being separated after seven. Unless you’re breeding cats for sociability—which McNamee believes would strip them of their natural charm—providing a well-socialized kittenhood is the best approach to a friendly cat. After that, it takes a lot more effort from the cat owner.
