Buzz
We all have friends who could use a bit of guidance (and you might need some too), but one of the tricky parts of these conversations is avoiding the "better-than-thou" tone when you offer help. If you come across that way, people are less likely to listen to you.
When your friend seems stuck and you're eager to help them break free from their struggles, it’s only natural to want to share your perspective. But approaching such a delicate subject is never easy, especially when you're familiar with all the complexities of their situation. To navigate these tricky talks, I reached out to relationship and family therapist Roger S. Gil for some expert advice.
Step 1: Confirm They're Open to Your Advice
It’s important to remember that not everyone is actively seeking your advice. Before offering your thoughts, make sure they’re willing to hear them. Roger Gil highlights that, often, friends don’t want a solution to their problems—they simply want someone who will listen and perhaps ask a few thoughtful questions. Here's why he thinks this approach works:
Many believe that therapists primarily give advice, but in reality, our role is often more about listening and asking thought-provoking questions. These questions help people examine the logic behind their beliefs, their feelings, past experiences, and more. Essentially, we guide individuals to come up with their own solutions instead of simply handing them a list of actions. Most of the time, when someone is seeking advice, they are grappling with issues that don't have straightforward solutions or universally accepted steps to follow.
Instead of offering immediate advice, ask if they’d like to hear your thoughts or insights on the matter. It's also helpful to ask questions about the emotions or reasons behind their feelings. If they decline, respect their decision and just listen attentively. Gil also suggests that, even when you know the answer, it may be wise to remain silent:
Studies show that men often try to solve problems quickly when their partner confides in them, which can cause tension because the person seeking support may feel "ignored." Sometimes, all a person wants is to vent, not necessarily seek solutions. Even if you have the answer, it’s often more beneficial to wait until the person has expressed their feelings before offering advice.
If nothing else, wait until they’ve finished venting before offering advice—or at least ask if they’re open to it. Sometimes, the most effective way to find a solution is by working through it yourself. Photo by Laughlin Elkind.
Clarify the Difference Between Personal Opinions, Expert Advice, and Being a Listening Ear
When it comes to listening, it's crucial to quickly understand what your friend expects from you. Gil refers to this as distinguishing between offering opinions, expert advice, or simply acting as a "sounding board."
Each situation calls for a different response, so it’s essential to know what type of input to provide. Opinions are suitable for personal choices (e.g. Should I get a MacBook or a PC?). Expert advice should be confined to areas where you have a deep understanding and can offer well-informed recommendations (e.g. What makes a good SSD for a MacBook?). At times, a person simply needs us to listen and help clarify their thoughts (e.g. So, you're considering a MacBook because your iMac won’t fit in your backpack). No matter your approach, be sure not to confuse one type of input for another (i.e. don't offer an opinion as expert advice).
In essence, avoid pretending to have knowledge you don’t possess, and never act as though you've experienced something you haven't. Photo by Brendan Riley.
Reduce the Use of "You Should..." Statements
Now that you understand whether your friends or family actually want your advice, the next challenge is offering it in a way that doesn’t make you sound like a know-it-all. This is trickier than it seems. As Gil suggests, a good strategy to offer advice without seeming pompous is to steer clear of saying "You should" statements:
"You should..." statements often come across as pretentious and judgmental. They can also place the burden of any negative consequences on the person seeking advice. Instead, try using "I feel..." statements to express your thoughts while making it clear that it’s simply your perspective, leaving the other person to decide how to act. For example, avoid saying, "You should dump his cheating self." Instead, say, "When I hear you talk about his cheating, I feel like staying with him might lead to more problems for you."
Gil’s advice might seem obvious, but it’s easy to slip into a "You should" mindset without realizing it. By clearly stating your opinion as just that, you avoid giving the impression that you think you know best. Photo by a2gemma.
Be Ready to Be a Little Harsh
Sometimes, offering tough love is necessary. While it’s important to still follow the principles mentioned earlier, there are moments when you need to be a bit harsh. Gil explains:
There are no universal "best practices" when it comes to discussing difficult issues, and sometimes it’s necessary to come across as a bit harsh to get through to someone who is in denial or just going in circles.
Gil mentions that this list isn't comprehensive, and each situation may require a unique approach. The main takeaway is to remain in "listening mode" as long as possible, and not to force your advice when it’s not wanted. If you approach things correctly, you’ll be able to support your friends or family without appearing to know it all. Photo by Margaret Shear.
Title image remixed from Lorelyn Medina (Shutterstock).
