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Empathy is an invaluable quality to possess, yet excessive empathy can leave you feeling drained by the negative emotions of others. Here's how to shield yourself from absorbing the feelings of those around you while still maintaining your capacity for empathy.
Empathy is instinctive for us. In The Age of Empathy, primatologist Frans de Waal explains that empathy is an inherent behavior that has been observed in social animals, from primates to mice. Our ability to empathize, de Waal suggests, likely evolved from parental instincts: both human and animal parents must be in tune with their young to nurture a bond and detect when they are in distress. (That’s why we find babies' cries so heart-wrenching and their laughter so contagious.) Empathy drives us to sneeze or yawn when others do, and to subconsciously mirror others' body language and facial expressions. Our brains are designed for this connection.
We don't just catch other people's yawns; we also catch their moods. This is a positive experience when your friends' joy lifts you up, but it becomes draining when you absorb the stress of your boss, the sadness of a colleague, the tension of your partner, or even the irritation of a barista. Secondhand stress (or anger, etc.) can be just as insidious and damaging as secondhand smoke. According to the Harvard Business Review:
As research has advanced, we now understand that the negativity we absorb from others can affect every aspect of business and education, and has even been shown to influence us at a cellular level,
shortening our lifespan
. In his book
Before Happiness
, Tom Rath highlights that organizations like the Ritz Carlton and Oschner Health Systems, aware of the effects of secondhand stress, have introduced 'no venting' zones for their staff when interacting with customers or patients. If a patient witnesses a nurse visibly stressed or complaining, they could feel the same tension, affecting their perception of the care they're receiving. This is further complicated by the fact that maintaining a positive mindset has been consistently linked to better health outcomes, as detailed by Tom Rath in
Wellbeing
.
What steps can we take to address this, aside from retreating from society to live in isolation? As someone who considers herself a highly sensitive person (I’m very attuned to my surroundings), I’ve found that setting clear boundaries and adopting a mindful perspective are crucial to protecting myself from absorbing others’ emotions.
Identify the Emotion of the Other Person
My husband tends to sigh a lot. He sighs when the dishes pile up in the sink, when the DVR cuts off the last few minutes of a show (curse you, DVR!), and sometimes for no apparent reason at all. Every time he sighs, it's as if a switch is flipped in me and I immediately feel deflated and frustrated. I once asked him why he sighs so frequently, and he said he doesn't really know – it just happens. So now, when I hear him sigh, I remind myself 'he's sighing because he's frustrated' or 'he's sighing because he's tired' or 'he’s sighing because it’s just a habit,' and then I sigh too, which helps me feel better.
Labeling an emotion creates a separation from it and gives you a brief moment to pause and reconsider your response. This technique is useful for managing your own negative emotions, responding to children during meltdowns, and interacting with others. By identifying the emotion as 'he' or 'she' feeling something, you're acknowledging it as someone else’s feeling, not necessarily your own. Using language in this way acts as a barrier between the emotion and your thoughts, making the feeling less overwhelming.
Limit Your Exposure to Social Media and the Negativity Around You
If you regularly find yourself surrounded by negative individuals or chronic complainers, you’ll need to either learn how to deflect their negativity (nod and let it pass by) or reduce the amount of time you spend with them. It can be tough when you're stuck in a toxic work environment, when your family constantly stresses you out, or when you have to distance yourself from a friend, but your well-being comes first. You're not helping anyone—especially yourself—if your emotions are constantly undermined by others. I didn’t realize it at the time, but after moving away from—and ultimately losing touch with—a friend full of negativity, my life became far more peaceful.
Create a Positive Shield Around You
While you may not be able to completely shut out the negative emotions of others, you can strengthen your own positive emotions. It might sound cliché, but practicing gratitude and positivity can really elevate your happiness if you make it part of your daily routine. I try to count my blessings every day—especially when I find myself overwhelmed by someone else’s pain (such as parents grieving a child or the aftermath of a mass shooting). It genuinely helps. It reminds me that good things still exist in the world, even when negativity surrounds us.
HBR refers to this method as a way to 'inoculate yourself' against secondhand stress and suggests another strategy to strengthen your resistance to it: prioritize your own well-being and self-esteem.
Build your natural immunity
: A strong sense of self-esteem is one of the best defenses against absorbing others' stress. When your self-esteem is high, you’re more likely to feel confident in your ability to handle any situation. If you notice that you're being affected by others’ moods, take a moment to remind yourself of all the things going well in your life and affirm your capability to manage anything that comes your way. Exercise is particularly effective for building self-esteem, as your brain recognizes every victory, no matter how small, through the release of endorphins.
Inoculate yourself
: Shield yourself before entering stressful situations or environments. For example, before beginning your day, take a moment to reflect on three things you're grateful for. In this
TED talk
, you'll discover five positive psychology habits that prepare your mind to resist the negative influence of others: 1) writing a quick two-minute email praising someone; 2) listing three things you're thankful for; 3) journaling about a positive experience for two minutes; 4) completing 30 minutes of cardio exercise; or 5) meditating for just two minutes.
Also, make time to be around genuinely positive and joyful people. While not every moment needs to be full of exuberant optimism, being in the presence of uplifting individuals will help recharge your energy to combat negativity. When I’m having one of those awful days—often worsened by interactions with others—my child’s joyful laughter while watching funny Minecraft mod walkthroughs on YouTube brings me back to center.
Transform Your Empathy into Compassion
Lastly, focus on converting your empathy into compassion. While they may appear similar, there are significant differences. Neuroscientist Dr. Tania Singer and her team discovered that distinct areas of the brain are activated when we feel someone’s pain (empathy) versus when we want to offer a warm, supportive response to their suffering (compassion).
[I]t’s essential to differentiate between empathy, which isn't necessarily always beneficial, and compassion. When I empathize with someone’s suffering, I experience their pain; I’m suffering too. This can become overwhelming and lead to empathic distress, which, over time, may cause burnout or emotional withdrawal. On the other hand, compassion doesn’t mean feeling another's pain directly, but feeling concern, warmth, and love. It fosters a strong desire to help them.
I think of individuals like Mother Teresa, healthcare workers, and those involved in disaster relief—people who likely rely on compassion to remain emotionally resilient and not buckle under the weight of immense suffering. Remember, people in pain don't want you to experience their pain, they simply want you to be there for them. You don't have to feel their emotions to care about them or offer help; understanding their situation is enough.
Wired reports that Dr. Singer is using methods like meditation, rooted in the Buddhist practice of loving-kindness, to train participants' brains to transition from empathy to compassion. This approach emphasizes 'detached attachment': being fully aware and concerned about others’ suffering without internalizing it yourself.
You don’t have to meditate to stop others' emotions from affecting you. Simply become aware of your own energy and recognize how others can subtly influence it—and then adopt strategies to prevent or mitigate this effect. Empathy is a wonderful skill, one the world certainly needs more of, but it’s important to keep it in check for both your well-being and others’.
Artwork by Sam Woolley.
