Buzz
A tabletop gaming group is a unique social dynamic, blending the structure of a collaborative project with the casual nature of hanging out. While some groups operate loosely, with players joining and leaving frequently, others treat their sessions as fixed commitments with a consistent lineup. This makes it particularly challenging when a player causes dissatisfaction among the group, and even more so when you must ask them to leave.
Avoid channeling real-world frustrations into the game. While it might make for a compelling episode of Community, subtly penalizing players in-game for out-of-game issues can backfire, potentially encouraging negative behavior. Address the situation with maturity—or, if necessary, tactfully avoid confrontation.
How to avoid conflicts
“Removing a player from your group should only be considered as a last option,” explains Hunter Elliot, RPG coordinator at the Brooklyn Strategist game center. As a professional dungeon master for D&D and other tabletop RPGs, Hunter emphasizes the importance of open communication about expectations and desires to resolve conflicts without resorting to removing a player.
“Ideally, your friends are playing together because you enjoy each other’s company and share an interest in D&D and the game’s narrative,” he notes. However, players may have vastly different goals for the game. Hunter suggests clearly outlining and balancing these desires for all players:
It’s entirely possible for one player to thrive on combat and defeating enemies, while another finds combat tedious and prefers deep character immersion. Not everyone is comfortable with intense role-playing. In such situations, discussing each player’s goals as a group can foster understanding and respect, ensuring everyone recognizes when another player is ‘having their moment.’
How to remove a player
However, some players may disregard the preferences of others. This can manifest in wildly different playstyles or, worse, outright disrespect, including bigoted or hostile behavior toward fellow players.
Depending on the severity of the issue, you might consider removing someone from the gaming group without severing your friendship. This approach can sometimes lead to more emotional complications than a clean break. However, Hunter recommends making the separation feel mutual and as non-confrontational as possible:
As the Dungeon Master, you might want to have a private conversation with the player, given your role as the group’s de facto leader. In this one-on-one setting, be honest and explain that their playstyle isn’t aligning with the group’s dynamics. Reassure them that friendship doesn’t have to depend on playing together and suggest they explore other communities to find a group that better suits their preferences.
A similar strategy can be effective when the entire group addresses the issue collectively with the player in question:
The player may better grasp the issue if it’s presented from the group’s collective perspective. Ensure the discussion remains constructive and doesn’t devolve into a situation where the player feels attacked. Applying traditional intervention techniques, such as avoiding accusatory ‘you’ statements and focusing on personal perspectives, can be crucial and beneficial in this context.
Divide the group
You might discover solutions that feel less like “removing someone” and more like “reorganizing the group.” For instance, my gaming group grew over time to the point where including everyone in every session became impractical. While it was disappointing to lose our consistent weekly game, it opened up new possibilities.
We eventually divided into different game nights tailored to various preferences: a chaotic one-shot for players who enjoy free-form, character-driven stories; combat-focused adventures for others; and relaxed puzzle dungeons for those who prefer a virtual escape room experience. (That’s me.)
We began scheduling shorter sessions or one-off games. We also explored games that required less preparation for the Dungeon Master or host. For those with mismatched playstyles who still wanted to socialize, we turned to alternative activities like board games, casual drinks, or Magic: The Gathering.
A subtler approach
By keeping things discreet, you can avoid hurt feelings by “disbanding” the group and “reforming” it without certain players. (This is my suggestion, not Hunter’s.) Instead of directly addressing the issue, cite scheduling conflicts and announce that the group needs to “take a break.” (As with many awkward social scenarios, attributing the change to external factors reduces tension and preserves everyone’s dignity.) Then, quietly reassemble the group, excluding specific players.
The level of deceit in this approach depends on your intentions. While it’s not a constructive way to handle minor issues, it might be suitable for dealing with a player who tends to escalate conflicts—a common issue in gaming groups. However, only consider this method if the players don’t frequently interact outside of your sessions or if you don’t plan to maintain a relationship with the removed player. If the player discovers they’ve been secretly excluded, they’re likely to feel betrayed or deeply upset.
There’s also the possibility that the group might fall apart. In a group of adults who already struggle to meet regularly, even a fabricated disbandment could give others an excuse to leave. The stress of the situation might overwhelm them, leading to further departures. Be prepared to handle this outcome with grace. After all, you can’t compel people to continue playing games with you.
