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We've all been in situations where we're debating with someone who firmly believes you're mistaken, even though you're sure you're right. Whether it's about minor details or significant matters, your response can drastically shape the outcome of the conversation. Here's how to handle it the right way.
To explore the best approach for these types of discussions, I spoke with Roger S. Gil MAMFT, a mental health expert specializing in marriage and family therapy.
Evaluate Your Own Argument Before Getting Into an Unnecessary Dispute
Just because you're confident you're right doesn't mean engaging in an argument is always worthwhile. Sometimes, letting go is the best option. However, before you try to prove you're right, it's important to review your own reasoning. Gil suggests reflecting on a few key points before reacting.
Stay emotionally composed: It's natural to have an emotional reaction when someone disagrees with you, but Gil advises keeping your emotions in check: "I encourage people to avoid letting their emotions hit a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 when engaged in a disagreement." In essence, avoid getting too heated; to do so, you must stay calm and avoid reacting too aggressively.
Changing someone's mind isn't always necessary: Sometimes, it's just not worth trying to change someone's perspective. Unless the issue is important, it's often best to agree to disagree and move forward.
Some matters are objective, others are subjective: With factual matters (like the current time or the height of the tallest mountain), you're likely correct if you have verifiable, objective evidence. However, subjective topics are different, and Gil emphasizes that understanding the distinction between objective and subjective matters is crucial when someone challenges your views: "We need to remember that opinions are often built on assumptions unique to the individual. Your 'rightness' (no matter how confident you are) may simply reflect your values, not observable facts."
Your relationship with the person should influence your response: When a close friend or family member disagrees with you, you know how to adjust your reaction based on your long-standing relationship. However, with a stranger, or even worse, a boss or colleague, it's important to consider whether responding is beneficial. If your boss is vindictive, accepting their mistake might be the best course of action, unless their error poses a threat to you or the company.
Make sure you're truly right: It may seem obvious that you're correct, but that doesn't mean you're not making assumptions. Gil advises, "The assumptions underlying our views are often the weakest points, so ensure you understand the reasoning behind those assumptions." Whatever you're confident about, prove it without relying on assumptions.
Once you've determined that it's worth responding when someone says you're wrong, it's time to craft your response in a way that effectively conveys your point. Photo by David Sim.
Respond in ways that won't immediately derail the conversation
When someone claims you're wrong, they're convinced they're right. With both of you believing you're correct, it's a clash of egos, meaning you need to handle the situation with care.
Manage your non-verbal communication
The last thing you want when someone insists you're wrong is to unintentionally send the wrong message. Gil recommends keeping your nonverbal signals as clear and simple as possible:
Your body language, voice tone, and other nonverbal signals should be kept in check to increase the likelihood that the other person will be open to your response and reduce the chance of being drawn into a fiery argument.
As we've seen before, body language plays a significant role during presentations and job interviews. It's crucial in nearly every situation. When confronted with someone claiming you're wrong, it's best to keep your body language as calm as possible to avoid unintentionally escalating the conversation. Photo by Jaysin Trevino.
Respect the Opposing Opinion and Grasp Their Perspective
Even when you're certain you're right, the other person believes they're right too. It's crucial to show respect for a "wrong" opinion, regardless of the situation:
When defending our viewpoints, we must respect the opposing perspective if we want the other person to respect our stance and potentially reconsider their position. While sarcasm and snark may be entertaining, they often alienate others from our point of view, can slip into bullying, and generally reveal our failure to understand their position rather than proving it's "wrong".
Respect is just one part of your response. If you aim to convince someone you're right, you need to understand their perspective. Gil suggests a simple approach: ask "why?"
Ask "why" the person believes you're wrong and then repeat their explanation to make sure you've understood it correctly. Why? It shows empathy, making them more likely to truly listen to your arguments (including your "ultimate counterpoint"). It also allows you to identify any assumptions they've made when forming their opinion. A skilled debater knows that debunking a flawed opinion is much easier when you can successfully challenge the assumptions behind it.
Asking "why?" isn't just useful for understanding why they're claiming you're wrong; it's also a great way to show you're genuinely interested in their opinion—even if you're ultimately confident you're right. Photo by Paul Hart.
Be Open to Changing Your Own Mind
You may feel confident you're right when someone tells you you're wrong, but that doesn't mean you should disregard the possibility that you could be mistaken. It's only fair, when you're convinced of your correctness and trying to persuade someone they're wrong, that you also acknowledge the possibility you're wrong yourself:
Even though you're sure you're right, there's a real chance you could be mistaken (to dismiss this possibility is arrogance). If we expect others to change their minds based on strong evidence, then we should be willing to do the same (no matter how certain we are). It's the fair and balanced approach to take.
We're wrong more often than we admit. What's more, as Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has said, the key to being right often is being willing to change your mind frequently.
In the end, it's about picking your battles wisely, ensuring you're not wasting time on unimportant matters. If someone insists you're wrong—that A Christmas Story is the best holiday movie, not Die Hard—you have to decide if the argument is worth continuing. Debates can be enjoyable when they're meaningful, but they can also harm relationships if you're not careful. Photo by Elaine with Grey Cats.
Photo by Jinga (Shutterstock).
