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©iStockphoto.com/ThinkstockIt’s tough when those sweet moments of "Mommy, let’s hug!" and "Daddy, I want to stay home with you!" are replaced by attitude, defiance, secrecy, and even lies. While this behavior is common for tweens, it can make you want to keep a close eye on them. But is hovering really the solution?
While staying engaged in your tween’s life can help curb negative behaviors, it’s important to find the right balance. Research indicates that kids who experience consistent support and guidance from their parents tend to have better outcomes in adulthood. However, there's a fine line between "being involved" and "hovering." Experts warn that overly involved parents can unintentionally raise children who struggle to advocate for themselves later on.
So, how can you find that sweet spot between involvement and independence?
Being Actively Involved in Your Tween's Education
These parents are often referred to as "helicopter parents," a term originally coined by college admissions officers when they began observing a rise in students whose parents were overly involved in their academic journey. After studying college freshmen, researchers found that students with helicopter parents were more likely to be anxious, closed off to new ideas, and struggled with self-confidence compared to their more independent peers.
While this research focused on college students, parenting style is shaped long before children leave for higher education. So how can you avoid becoming a helicopter parent? How do you stay connected to your tween's education without overstepping?
Here’s what you can do:
- Participate in school events. Volunteer for committees or offer to chaperone on occasion throughout the year.
- Seek feedback from teachers on your child’s academic progress, and provide your own thoughts on their performance.
- Get involved when your tween is choosing extracurricular activities – support their interests and hobbies.
- Find out about available school resources like tutoring or homework help in case your child requires additional assistance.
- Let your tween experience the natural consequences if they forget to complete an assignment, for example.
And here’s what you should avoid:
- Don’t fade into the background once your child enters middle school. Stay engaged, but remember, there’s no need to walk your tween all the way to the school door every day.
- Don’t argue over grades or step in during disputes on behalf of your child. Instead, talk to your tween and help them come up with solutions themselves.
- Respect your child's teachers’ time. Avoid dropping by unexpectedly or calling outside of office hours.
Staying Engaged in Your Tween's Personal World
Tweens are more likely to open up to a parent who understands and respects their need for privacy.
Stockbyte/ThinkstockIt’s typical for tweens to prefer spending time with their friends rather than their parents. The good news is, they still need and crave their parents' attention and approval—just not as much as before. For you, this means keeping communication channels open, ready for when your tween wants to share something with you.
Child development experts suggest several ways to stay engaged without overstepping:
- Pay attention when you pick your child up from school or the bus stop. Does your tween seem happy? Upset? How do they interact with their friends? You can gather a lot of insights this way.
- Make meal time family time. Share about your day, and implement a temporary ban on distractions like TV and phones.
- Be a fly on the wall. If you're carpooling, quietly listen in on your tween's conversations with friends. It’s a great way to stay informed about what's going on in their life.
- Set aside 15 minutes at bedtime to either read together or simply chat about what's on your tween's mind.
Remember, if you constantly push your tween to talk, they may shut down. Your tween will be more willing to open up if they know you respect their privacy. Giving them space shows that you remember what it was like to be their age, and that you understand their need for independence.
