Buzz
In every conversation, I can’t help but analyze every detail of the other person—examining their gaze, observing their body language, and paying attention to specific words. I constantly read between the lines and second-guess what’s actually being said. It’s exhausting and complicates things more than necessary.
Writing for Mytour has given me valuable insights into social interactions. I’ve learned how to detect lies, interpret body language, and spot logical errors. While these are useful skills, they become overwhelming when I apply them to every conversation, leading to unnecessary overthinking.
I’ve reached this point after reading (and writing) countless articles on communication, to the point where I’ve almost over-engineered it. Every issue seems to have a scientifically proven solution, right? But communication isn’t always so straightforward. I’ve started approaching conversations like a puzzle to be solved, almost seeing myself as a modern-day Sherlock Holmes or amateur psychologist. If you find yourself doing the same, I’m here to share what I’ve learned from my mistakes and to offer a few strategies to break the cycle.
Focus on the Present Moment
This might sound a bit counterintuitive, but hear me out. I tend to spend the majority of a conversation analyzing everything instead of truly focusing on what the person is saying. I look for signals that hint at what’s really happening, but in doing so, I fail to listen. As a result, I often leave conversations with a completely different perspective from the person I was talking to.
I’m not paying attention to the words themselves; I’m more focused on what I believe lies behind those words. One common suggestion to handle this tendency is to repeat what the speaker has said. The Wall Street Journal highlights a technique called RASA:
During a conversation, Mr. Treasure advises using the acronym RASA—receive, by staying present with the person; appreciate, by responding with small affirmations like "hmmm" or "oh"; summarize what the other person said, and ask follow-up questions after.
For me, it’s about being more mindful of the entire conversation and repeating anything I’m unsure about. If I repeat something and it’s way off, it’s likely that I’ve overthought something that didn’t need it.
Stop Focusing on Your Next Response
I tend to view conversations like a game of chess. I carefully choose whether or not to say something based on the potential consequences. I’m always thinking several moves ahead, figuring out what I need to say to get to my goal. While this might seem like a smart strategy on paper, I end up over-planning to the point where I can't respond to criticism in a genuine way.
Instead of reacting naturally to a conversation, I work my way through a checklist of topics to make sure I’ve covered everything I want to. In a way, I’m pre-over-analyzing every exchange, which leaves me with little to gain from it.
The real solution, if there is one, is to stay present and stop obsessing over what I want to say next. There’s no benefit in preparing for problems that may never arise, so focusing on them only disrupts the conversation that’s happening right in front of me.
Accept That Sometimes People Mean Exactly What They Say
Maybe it’s because I attended a liberal arts college, or maybe it’s just because I’m a writer, but I tend to wrap my words in elaborate language. I assume everyone else does the same. But it turns out, that’s not always true. Sometimes, people just say what they mean and mean what they say.
I often find myself revisiting conversations from earlier in the day, trying to uncover hidden meanings in what was said. Even if someone was clear and straightforward, I tend to think they might have meant something else. Jess Lambert captures this feeling perfectly over on Medium:
I replay conversations in my mind, questioning the tone or the words used. Did I come off wrong? Did you notice the expression on their face? Oh no, they must think I'm an idiot! As an introvert who already feels a bit socially awkward, I only make things more difficult and less enjoyable for myself by overthinking.
The only solution here is to stop the cycle, move forward, and accept that people often just mean what they say. By paying more attention in the moment, I’ll have a clearer understanding of how others are communicating and will be able to engage more effectively without overanalyzing everything.
Strike a Balance
Clearly, I've taken things too far, but that doesn't mean reading between the lines is always a bad idea. There’s value in observing body language and listening closely to verbal cues. However, it’s important to know when to apply these skills and when to simply listen during a conversation.
In a casual conversation, there’s really no need to focus too much on reading body language. If someone’s not being truthful in a laid-back exchange, it’s usually not a big deal. However, if you’re in the middle of a debate, being aware of logical fallacies and language choices can be helpful, but it’s just as important to take in the conversation as a whole. Sure, people lie, so spotting signs is useful, but don’t let it dominate the discussion. Aim to balance active listening with everything else when you can. In a heated argument, though, most of the tips you’ve read may not apply because everyone reacts differently to strong disagreements.
The trick is knowing when to apply this knowledge and when to let it go. If uncovering underlying truths won’t add value to the conversation, then let it slide and just enjoy the moment.
Photos by Freud, Daniel Lobo, Jamie Beverly, Alexandre Dulaunoy, Paxson Woelber.
