Mother-Daughter Bonds: Understanding the unique dynamics of mother-daughter relationships and how they shape our lives.

Whether your relationship with your mother is harmonious or has room for improvement, you likely recognize that the connection between mother and daughter starts forming from an early age.

At five, she’s your hero. You mimic her by smearing lipstick on your face, adorning her earrings, and stepping into her high heels, eager to be just like her. This adoration persists until you hit your teenage years when she suddenly becomes unbearable, and the distance between you grows. In your adolescent years, your only interaction may be a long, drawn-out "Mooooooooooooommmmmmm!" Yet, as you enter your twenties and thirties, with a little luck, she may become your closest confidante once again.

The connection between a mother and her daughter is unmatched in its depth. According to Lee Sharkey, Ph.D., a Women’s Studies professor at the University of Maine at Farmington, "It's the original relationship, and it’s been sentimentalized but not properly honored." She emphasizes that while women often turn their focus towards romantic relationships as they grow, the primary, foundational relationship is with their mother. "If daughters fail to recognize this bond, we are shutting ourselves off from a profound source of power, fulfillment, and self-understanding," Sharkey adds.

The Development of Mother-Daughter Relationships

At the age of 75, Rose Marie Fries has raised four daughters and one son, but she feels a stronger bond with her daughters. "With my daughters, I have four best friends who I can discuss all the emotional topics that women care about—subjects men typically avoid," she shares. Her daughters, now in their thirties and forties, agree with her. Laura, 36, a television critic for *Variety*, explains how she and her mother grew closer during a period when most young women are rebelling.

During Laura’s final year of high school, her father passed away, leaving just her and her mother in the house. "That year solidified our relationship more than anything else, just the two of us dealing with such a devastating situation. We supported each other through that incredibly tough time," Laura recalls. She adds, "My sisters are always surprised by how open I am with Mom. I even asked her, as a teenager, if she was a virgin when she married. She responded calmly, 'Oh my heavens, yes.' My sisters couldn't believe it. 'You asked her that!?'

For Martha Frase-Blunt, a Dallas native, it took longer to establish a close relationship with her mother, Ann Frase. Now an independent businesswoman in northern Virginia with two young daughters, Martha reflects on her rebellious youth—something her mother agrees with.

Ann Frase laughs as she recalls, "In high school, Martha would come downstairs for breakfast and I’d look at her and say, 'No, you’re not wearing that. Go change your clothes.' We fought and went through a lot of tension, but now I see how much alike we really are."

Both women agree that Martha's decision to attend her mother's alma mater, Randolph-Macon Women's College in Lynchburg, Virginia, marked the beginning of a deepening bond that continues today. "She chose my college—her decision, not mine. I was thrilled, but I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable by showing it! I began to feel that maybe she respected me and wanted to be more like me, and that’s a huge compliment for a mom," says Ann.

Why Don’t You Understand Me?

However, mothers and daughters are not always best friends. The primary source of tension in the adult mother-daughter relationship often comes down to one fundamental question, according to Laura Tracy, Ph.D., a family therapist specializing in mother-daughter counseling. "Will the mother accept her daughter as an independent adult?" Tracy explains, "When visiting, does she allow the daughter to manage her own household? Does she trust her to make decisions on both big and small matters—such as relationships, sexuality, career choices, or finances? Allowing the daughter to be her own person is a common challenge."

Breaking Free from Anger-based Dynamics

Mothers and daughters who face challenges in their adult relationships often fall into old patterns of control and rebellion from childhood, says Dr. Tracy. "They just can’t seem to hear one another. The daughter interprets the mother's words as an attempt to control her, while the mother, who may indeed be controlling, doesn't intend it that way. At the same time, when the daughter speaks, the mother only hears anger, even though the daughter’s words might also express love, and a desire to improve their relationship," Tracy explains.

In relationships where communication is blocked by past patterns, Tracy suggests using email as a way to bypass old barriers. If initiating a conversation about the relationship is challenging, consider easing into it with a movie or book that explores mother-daughter dynamics.

Carrie Hutton, a human resources manager in her thirties, lived with a stepfather from the age of seven until she graduated from high school. She and her sisters remember him as emotionally abusive, which deeply affected her relationship with her mother for years. "Because of the decisions my mom made, my childhood was very difficult. In my twenties, I felt a lot of anger. But mom didn’t want to talk about it. She just wanted us to move on," Carrie reflects.

A few years ago, after much emotional strain, Carrie and her mother finally had a breakthrough. "For the first time, I said, 'I need to understand what happened. It’s part of me, just like my blonde hair and blue eyes. You have three daughters who love you, and I don’t understand why you get so upset when I ask about it.' That was the first real conversation we had about what happened," Carrie shares.

Sue Gearhart, Carrie’s mother, later wrote long letters to each of her daughters explaining the choices she had made. "I think writing helped her organize her thoughts in a way that made sense to her. She carried a lot of guilt," Carrie recalls. "I came to understand that my mom is who she is because of the experiences she went through, and she did the best she could. I suppose you start to see parts of yourself in your parents over time."

Sue recognizes a lot of herself in Carrie. "We’re probably very alike emotionally. We’re both moody, and we share a tendency to search for answers to our emotional struggles, always looking for a way to 'fix' ourselves." Sue recalls with pride when Carrie moved from Hershey, Pennsylvania, to Atlanta to start an independent life. "She knew she could live on her own, make it, and thrive. After that, our relationship became much stronger. Letting go is such an important part of parenting," Sue says with a smile.

Discover Yourself First

"Most mothers genuinely want to support their daughters, but often find themselves perplexed by them," shares Juanita Johnson, a therapist and storyteller from New York, who frequently collaborates with her 27-year-old daughter to present on the mother-daughter bond. "One common issue I notice is that many mothers are so disconnected from their own self-awareness that they focus more on how their daughters turn out, rather than reflecting on who they are and how they feel about themselves. Daughters can learn a great deal from a mother who is self-aware," Johnson explains.

Oh No, I’m Becoming My Mother!

The anxiety of turning into one’s mother has been so prevalent among Western women that it has its own term—matrophobia. However, Dr. Sharkey believes this traditional fear is gradually fading, and the mothers and daughters interviewed for this article, all of whom spoke with great admiration for each other, seem to support this shift.

The Power of Independence

"For women in my generation, I witnessed a lot of rivalry between mothers and daughters. There was so much tension, silence, and misunderstanding. However, I’m noticing less of that now. When I think of my students and their relationships with their mothers, they are richer, more open," Dr. Sharkey observes. He also points out that the fact that many mothers are now working may help daughters see them as individuals, and allows mothers to avoid living through their daughters.

"Amazing" was the word that echoed through every mother and daughter conversation as they spoke so fondly of each other. Laura Fries joyfully recalls the shared love for books between her, her mother, and her sisters. She also fondly remembers when Rose Marie attended a women’s writers’ conference at Laura’s college. "It was fantastic because it was something I should’ve been doing as an English major anyway, but without her, I probably would never have gone, and it was wonderful," she says.

The greatest gift a mother can give her daughter — and, as she grows into adulthood, that a daughter can give her mother — is the freedom to be herself, says Juanita Johnson. "The daughter can truly be who she wants to be, because the mother is free to be who she is. I think more and more mothers are starting to understand that," she explains. "When daughters struggle during adolescence, it’s often because they don’t know who they are. They lose sight of themselves trying to fit in. That vibrant energy they had as a little girl fades, and they lose touch with what I call their inner compass."

Martha Frase-Blunt works to nurture that inner strength in her daughters, Rachel, 8, and Haley, 3, by giving them the tools to make their own choices — a parenting style her mother admires. When Rachel had the opportunity to transfer from her regular elementary school to a more academically challenging arts school, Martha and her husband let Rachel decide. "I helped her weigh the pros and cons — leaving her friends, for example, versus the chance to take drama, dance, and visual arts. She decided, and after a night of thinking it over, she chose to go to the new school," says Martha, noting that in her own childhood, such decisions were made by her parents.

"I told my mom about this, and she was so impressed that I allowed Rachel the freedom to make a decision that would affect her life. I think my mom would have liked to have had the ability to do that for us, if only it were a different time."

Rose Marie Fries takes pride in her daughters' strength. "I believe they are all independent and strong-willed, which is great, but they’re also compassionate. It’s important to stand on your own, but it’s equally important to have empathy for others. Without that, I think your life becomes too narrow," she reflects. "Women today are often told to be strong and assertive, which is fine, but there’s another essential element needed for a truly fulfilling life. That’s how I see my daughters, and I hope that’s something I’ve been able to give them."