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When your partner forgets to pay the rent on time, leading to a late fee, the logical step is to find a solution to prevent future occurrences. However, anger takes over, and instead of addressing the issue constructively, you criticize your partner, sparking an argument. Criticism is among the seven common behaviors that can undermine healthy communication.
Effective communication is crucial for maintaining any relationship, yet it often proves challenging. Psychiatrist William Glasser introduced the idea of the 'seven deadly habits' in communication. Essentially, most people have ingrained habits that harm their relationships. By replacing these with healthier alternatives, known as the 'seven caring habits,' we can enhance our communication and strengthen our connections.
It’s worth noting that these negative communication patterns are frequently observed in abusive relationships, which require a different approach. In such cases, safety takes precedence over communication, and these strategies may not be applicable.
In a generally healthy relationship, here are seven instinctive habits that hinder effective communication.
Unnecessary Criticism
Criticism can stem from various motivations. Perhaps you aim to assist an employee in improving their project management skills. Alternatively, a friend repeatedly makes poor relationship decisions, prompting you to share your concerns.
These instances generally arise from a well-intentioned, constructive mindset, which is acceptable. In such scenarios, the focus shifts from mere criticism to providing constructive feedback. However, within the realm of ineffective communication, criticism involves tearing someone down for unjustifiable reasons. Zen Habits highlights several examples of this:
To cause harm
. Sometimes, we simply dislike someone and wish to attack or belittle them. In these cases, criticism serves a destructive purpose.
To release pent-up frustrations
. At times, we may feel overwhelmed by frustration or have a particularly bad day, leading us to vent our negative emotions through criticism.
To elevate our self-esteem.
Some individuals enjoy demonstrating their power, intelligence, or expertise, using criticism as a tool to achieve this...
Even constructive criticism can make someone defensive. However, when criticism stems from a harmful intent, the other person has no incentive to continue listening—it becomes a barrier to effective communication.
For instance, as a parent, if your child consistently performs poorly in school, it’s natural to feel frustrated and criticize them for being lazy. To foster better communication, Glasser would likely advise shifting focus from criticism to providing supportive and encouraging feedback. In fact, support and encouragement are among the 'caring habits' Glasser identified for improving communication.
Blaming Others
Blaming shifts all responsibility from yourself onto someone else. While it might indeed be your spouse’s fault for missing the mortgage payment, assigning blame does little to promote open and productive dialogue.
It’s natural to want to voice your dissatisfaction, especially when addressing an issue is necessary to find a resolution. However, this differs from outright blame. For instance, imagine you’re managing a project, and a team member fails to meet a deadline, disrupting the entire schedule. To ensure accountability, you might say something like,
“Just a reminder: meeting deadlines is crucial for keeping the project on track. Are these timelines manageable for you?”
This approach isn’t about blame—it’s about finding a solution.
In contrast, blaming would sound like, “Because you missed your deadline, the entire team fell behind.”
The first example is solution-oriented, offering the employee a chance to improve. The second example, however, leads nowhere. Beyond an apology, what can someone say to that? It shuts down communication entirely.
Unproductive Complaining
I’ll admit, I tend to complain frequently, and it can weigh heavily on the listener. After returning from a trip, my partner took me out to dinner, and I spent the entire time griping about every little thing—from the uncomfortable airplane seat to the impolite drivers on the way home. Eventually, he said, “Okay, I can’t handle any more. You’ve been venting non-stop since you walked in.” (Venting is my polite term for complaining).
He had tuned out because, honestly, there was no real conversation happening—just me ranting about everything. “But I’m not complaining about you,” I protested. “I know,” he replied, “But it’s still draining.”
Complaining is draining because it burdens the other person. As counselor Laura Schenck explains:
Complaining often makes the other person feel obligated to ‘fix’ the issue or simply escape the negativity. Either way, it creates a divide between us and those we care about.
While venting might provide temporary relief, it can often be counterproductive. As noted by Psychology Today, clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Juliano explains that people complain for various reasons:
Venting: Expressing complaints to release intense emotions
The Effective Complaint: Addressing a specific issue with the person responsible to seek improvement
The Ineffective Complaint: Complaining about situations beyond one’s control to feel a sense of power
While friends or loved ones may initially tolerate your venting, they’re likely to lose interest when it shifts to unproductive complaining, which it often does. Eventually, the listener tunes out. Juliano recommends asking yourself these three questions to prevent your complaints from spiraling:
Is my complaint specific and focused, or broad and unclear?
Vague complaints often revolve around unsolvable issues, such as the weather.
Are you repeating the same complaints repeatedly?
This could indicate a desire for
empathy
or an indirect plea for assistance.
Do you fear that ignoring the negative aspects of a situation will leave you unprepared for potential disappointment?
This mindset stops you from fully appreciating the positive elements a situation might bring.
As she highlights, everyone complains occasionally, and sometimes it has its place. However, when it comes to effective communication, nothing halts a conversation faster than aimless, unproductive complaining.
Nagging
Nagging involves repeatedly pestering someone to do something you want them to do. By its very nature, it signifies a breakdown in communication. Consider this: if you’re nagging, your message isn’t getting through for some reason, making it entirely unproductive. Psychologist Molly Howes explains:
The cycle of nagging reflects the flawed belief that if something isn’t working, doing more of it will help. This pattern feeds itself, with each person repeatedly responding to the other’s actions in the same ineffective way.
No one enjoys being nagged, and no one enjoys nagging others, yet it remains a common issue in relationships. So, how can you stop nagging and improve communication? The solutions are straightforward but challenging: it involves breaking the nagging-resisting cycle and learning to compromise and empathize. We’ve previously explored how to address this pattern with children. For instance:
Emphasize encouragement over judgment
Focus on the effort rather than the result
Share your feelings instead of criticizing
Howes recommends setting a deadline to break the cycle. If you need someone to complete a task, agree on a specific time frame and commit to not mentioning it again. This disrupts the nag > resist > nag loop. The other person agrees to act, and you agree to stop reminding them. Whether they follow through is another matter (simple in theory, harder in practice), but this approach at least halts the pattern.
Threatening
It’s clear how threats can stifle communication: they leave no room for dialogue. Threats create a one-sided dynamic. As Schenck explains, when we threaten someone, we become a source of fear and control, which is hardly conducive to effective communication.
This is why ultimatums are problematic. While there are moments when an ultimatum might be necessary to overcome a relationship impasse, often they’re used as a manipulative threat.
We’ve previously discussed why threats are ineffective, even in parenting. First, they teach children to rely on ultimatums or force to achieve their goals. Second, kids might call your bluff. Most importantly, threats harm the bond between you and your child.
Glasser emphasized trust and respect as healthier alternatives. When you trust someone, the need to control them diminishes. This openness fosters better communication. Scary Mommy’s humorous post highlights why common threats fail and suggests more effective approaches. Though lighthearted, it underscores the value of explaining reality to children. For example:
THREAT
: ‘Brush your teeth, or they’ll turn green and fall out.’
Issue
: Kids rarely care about future consequences unless “the future” means the next few seconds.
Revision
: ‘If you don’t brush your teeth, they’ll develop this strange orange coating. Look at your little brother’s teeth. See that buildup? He has it because he’s only 2 and refuses to let us brush his teeth. Also, if you skip brushing, you’ll have to visit the dentist. Even though I’ve told you his office is fun and full of stickers, it’s actually not great, and you’ll want to avoid it.’
This approach applies to relationships as well. Instead of threatening your partner to get them to act, explain why your request is important. Ultimately, explaining shows that you trust and respect them enough to share why something matters, which fosters better communication.
Punishing
Threatening and punishment are closely linked: both aim to control behavior through negative reinforcement. However, manipulation and control hinder communication, which requires mutual understanding. Glasser emphasized respect as a healthier alternative.
In parenting, discipline is sometimes necessary, but effective discipline is about teaching, not punishing. The word “discipline” originates from the Latin “disciplinare,” meaning “to teach.” True discipline focuses on guiding and shaping behavior, not punishing mistakes. The distinction lies in intent: punishment targets bad behavior, while discipline aims for improvement. For example, punishing a child for a bad grade with a spanking only teaches them to avoid punishment, whereas reducing playtime and offering tutoring emphasizes the importance of learning.
Punishment stems from a desire to control or retaliate, whereas discipline is rooted in trust, consistency, and growth. With discipline, the consequences serve a meaningful purpose.
While discipline is essential in parenting, friendships and relationships operate differently. Discipline isn’t applicable here because these relationships should be based on equality.
Bribing
Bribery functions similarly. It may seem gentler, but it’s still about control—just in a more subtle and manipulative way.
So, how does bribery differ from rewarding good behavior? WebMD features parenting expert Elizabeth Pantley’s explanation:
Bribery is used during or in anticipation of bad behavior to stop it, explains Pantley. A reward, on the other hand, is recognition for good behavior and can motivate future positive actions. “For instance,” Pantley notes, “offering ice cream to a child throwing a tantrum about leaving the park is ineffective. However, getting ice cream on the way home to celebrate good behavior at the park reinforces positive actions.”
As with many habits, intention is key. Rewards communicate desirable behavior to your child, while bribery focuses solely on stopping unwanted behavior, regardless of understanding. While parents sometimes resort to bribery out of necessity, it’s best avoided as it disrupts communication. When someone acts because of a bribe, it’s not out of understanding but for the reward, which weakens the connection.
Instead of bribery, Glasser advocated for compromise as a better communication tool. Compromise involves reaching a mutual agreement, considering the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. This approach aligns with Glasser’s “caring habits,” such as listening and respect.
These habits often lack empathy, which is essential for effective communication. Understanding the other person’s perspective and emotions is the foundation of meaningful communication. Recognizing and avoiding these seven “deadly” habits can strengthen relationships by removing communication barriers and fostering empathy.
Illustration by Tina Mailhot-Roberge.
