Buzz
The best part of getting married is that the intrusive question, 'So when are you two getting married?' finally stops. The downside is that you're now greeted with 'So, when are you having kids?'
In modern society, some intrusive questions have become too common. Inquiring about someone's progress toward traditional life milestones has become a casual, albeit uncomfortable, topic of conversation. These questions are often raised by distant relatives, coworkers, and acquaintances, but how should you respond to them? While we’ve covered how to deflect or answer them tactfully, let's explore which questions you should avoid asking in the first place.
Inappropriate questions are an unfortunate part of small talk. While it’s an opportunity to get to know people, everyone has different personal boundaries. And though it can feel satisfying to engage in a deeper conversation, we must recognize how harmless questions can sometimes touch on sensitive areas.
Myka Meier, the founder of New York's Beaumont Etiquette school, emphasizes that good etiquette is about making others feel at ease and respected. She advises considering how your questions might make someone feel before asking them. Any question that could make someone feel judged, uncomfortable, or pressured is one to avoid.
Family and relationships
Asking 'When will you two finally get married?' might come off as playful, but it can feel invasive. The question implies you are seeking an opinion on the institution of marriage or suggesting the relationship is stagnant. It’s best to wait for an engagement announcement instead of pushing for an answer.
If you're curious about someone's relationship, a better approach is to ask a neutral question like 'How’s your partner?' This allows the person to share as much or as little as they feel comfortable with. You can also open up about your own experiences first, but avoid putting pressure on them to match your level of intimacy.
Asking 'When are you two going to have kids?' can be even more uncomfortable. The reasons for not having children are often deeply personal and sometimes painful. Instead of prying into sensitive matters, consider asking, 'So tell me about your family,' which lets the person share what they’re comfortable with without feeling forced to discuss difficult topics.
When you're chatting with someone who has children, steer clear of comments like "When are you going to have more?" or "Did you want a girl instead?" Instead, focus on the kids they already have: How old are they? What are their personalities like? Avoid asking about their developmental milestones—no parent needs another person scrutinizing their child's progress.
Pregnancy
It's pretty clear why "Are you pregnant?" is an inappropriate question. One can never be too cautious. I’ve had conversations with a friend in her eighth month of pregnancy and still waited for her to bring it up first. It's definitely less awkward than assuming and getting it wrong.
For the same reason, if you know someone is expecting, "Are you having twins?" is off-limits. If they are, they’ll tell you. Once the due date is shared, take it at face value. Avoid even the slightest suggestion that you are commenting on a pregnant woman’s body, whether that means remarking on how big or slim they appear.
If they reveal the baby's gender, react positively, but don’t treat it like a victory (unless the parents are already doing so). When one of my colleagues was expecting a boy, several people asked "Is your husband happy?" One even congratulated her on "doing her job," as if she were expected to deliver a male heir like Henry VIII.
Avoid diving into discussions about child-rearing choices. Questions like "Are you going to breastfeed?" or "Are you having a natural birth?" are deeply personal decisions, and your advice is probably better suited to the pages of a dozen parenting books, each offering a different perspective. The only advice that should be offered is optional, judgment-free, and aimed at easing the parents-to-be, helping them feel more comfortable and confident. People raise children in many different ways, and most of those methods work just fine. You are not the one who will uncover the key to preventing SIDS.
Work
"Do you like your new job?" isn’t necessarily impolite, but it can be uncomfortable. If they don’t enjoy their job, they’re unlikely to share that openly, which means they might end up giving you an untrue answer. Instead, reframe the question to avoid putting them in that position. Asking "What’s your job like?" or "What projects are you working on?" gives them a chance to talk without needing to evaluate their overall career satisfaction.
Checking in on a long-term project can also be tricky. Asking "How’s your book/podcast/side business coming along?" can feel like you’re asking for a progress report. Instead, inquire about specific things they’ve learned or bring up something they’ve already shared about the project on social media. This way, you’re engaging with the parts they’ve chosen to make public, which is likely more intriguing to you than tracking the percentage of work they've completed.
When meeting someone for the first time, even the most standard question can be tricky. Meier suggests avoiding the typical question "So what do you do?" as it may come off as opportunistic. If your goal is to get to know them, this question only works if they enjoy their job enough to discuss it outside of work. (Even worse is the loaded version I heard at a tech conference: "What do you make?") If you’re starting with a fresh conversation, asking "What do you do for fun?" is much more effective. This question is inherently easier to answer and opens up a more genuine discussion.
When someone is between jobs, even well-meaning follow-ups can come across as intrusive. As The Muse’s list of inappropriate job-search questions illustrates, navigating this territory can be tricky. People who are struggling to find work may already feel worthless, and adding to that feeling won't help. Instead of suggesting things like, 'Have you thought about going back to school?' remember that you’re not the one who will convince them to change direction. Even a simple question like, 'Where have you applied?' can create an expectation of follow-up, as noted by The Muse. To offer real support, ask about what they are seeking in a job, and be mindful if you suggest job leads—always leave them the space to politely decline.
Rely on your own judgment.
Many of the questions mentioned earlier are acceptable in specific contexts, such as among close friends, partners, or immediate family. That’s why they can seem so inappropriate in casual conversation: they imply a level of intimacy and vulnerability. By asking for an update on someone's personal life, you're also prompting them to assess the nature of your relationship.
As we naturally seek to deepen our relationships over time, we can't avoid testing boundaries. But by being more attuned to the hidden meaning behind our questions, we can tailor them to the context of our relationship. As Meier suggests, 'Before asking a question, consider its level of sensitivity.' If the question feels too intimate for the stage of your relationship, it’s best to wait for a more appropriate moment.
