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Whether or not you tuned into Succession (how could you not?), it's easy to picture how challenging managing family wealth can be, from awkward moments to deeply conflicted situations. Estate planning is essential for navigating loss, but even with this, the choices you make can lead to tension and miscommunication among loved ones.
I had a conversation with Mitch Mitchell, associate counsel at Trust & Will, to better understand how things can go wrong when these crucial discussions aren't happening while parents are alive. Here’s the essential advice for talking about family wealth with your siblings before it's too late.
Ensure there is clear communication about who will take on the role of executor.
Mitchell explains that it's typical for one sibling to be designated as the executor—the person responsible for ensuring the will is carried out—while the other siblings must accept and follow these decisions. This requires the parent to choose who will be in charge, a choice that should involve thoughtful discussion while the parent is still alive. The goal is not only to prepare the executor for their responsibilities but also to ensure the other siblings are clear on their roles.
With over a decade of experience in estate planning and probate, Mitchell observes that much of the family tension arises from arguments about who gets to be in charge, why they were chosen, and whether the appointed individual is transparent with all the information they have.
So, how do you prevent unnecessary conflict? Mitchell suggests that the key is early, open communication. Here’s how you should approach these conversations.
How to begin the conversation about your estate planning
Mitchell presents a scenario where a mother designates the middle child, rather than the eldest, to be the executor of her estate. This could be due to the middle child living closest to the parent, or perhaps the mother believes they're the most reliable. Ultimately, it doesn't matter why the decision was made—what matters is that it's her estate, and she has the right to make that choice.
Mitchell advises parents hosting this conversation to be prepared with not just the decision itself, but also the reasoning that shaped it. While each family member may not agree with the same choice, parents can ease the conversation by providing an open space where everyone can process it together. Even if discussing money is uncomfortable, now is the time to address it. Mitchell encourages adopting a mindset where the family says, 'I love you, and here's what I want for my legacy.'
The primary objective is to ensure all decisions are made and clearly understood before the estate owner passes away. Mitchell’s top piece of advice is simple: 'Nothing should be a surprise.' This approach ensures that when siblings handle the administrative aspects, there is no conflict. The focus will be on the practical steps of accessing accounts and following the will’s instructions. Here's a look at what these steps involve:
Documents: Where can you find your parents' essential financial documents? Are they final? Who has access to them?
Health: What are your parents' wishes regarding long-term care? Who will make end-of-life decisions? Is there money set aside for end-of-life care and funeral expenses?
Personal Property: How will the property be divided? Who gets the house? How will jointly-owned assets be managed?
Responsibilities: Who will handle the estate settlement? Will one sibling bear more responsibility than the others?
Inheritance: How will the inherited funds be distributed? Are they stored at a bank or brokerage?
Debts: Do your parents have significant debt? Who will be responsible for paying it, or will it be shared among the siblings?
The conclusion
Open communication early on is vital to avoiding unnecessary conflicts in the future. Mitchell points out, 'Hurt feelings are inevitable when someone feels disappointed,' but he stresses that this doesn't have to turn into a lengthy legal battle in probate court.
The key takeaway here is that estate lawyers, including Mitchell, saw Succession as a perfect reflection of the challenges families face when a patriarch passes away. The sibling rivalry, with the classic 'it's not fair' attitude, persists even into adulthood. Starting tough conversations early can make the process of dealing with these issues a bit smoother, ensuring you're not caught off guard later on.
If you're looking for more guidance on various estate planning topics, don't forget to explore Trust & Will’s helpful resources here.
