Buzz
As the holiday season approaches, we eagerly look forward to exchanging presents and indulging in delicious meals with family and friends, all while surrounded by the mesmerizing glow of colorful Christmas lights adorning a fir tree…When you really think about it, Christmas is quite peculiar.
Delightfully peculiar.
Regardless of your religious beliefs, one tradition that unites people worldwide is this yearly celebration of kindness and receiving thoughtful gifts. However, things don’t always go as planned. Consider this list, dear reader, a cautionary guide for both gift-givers and recipients. Some presents are so disappointing that they border on insulting. Steer clear of the items listed here, and you’ll likely secure a spot on Santa’s “nice list” next year. If you happen to receive one of these gifts, don’t despair. Easter is just a few months away. After all, who could possibly mess up chocolate?
10. Any Toy That Delivers Electric Shocks
Exploring the concept of schadenfreude might not be the most festive activity, but it appears shoppers are eager to embrace it by gifting items that induce such reactions—imagine a family gathering where everyone competes to see who gets 'electrocuted' and cries first. Happy holidays, indeed!
These tormenting gadgets don’t actually electrocute you—they employ a clever psychological ploy. The product promises a shocking experience, but in reality, it delivers either a mild jolt or intense vibrations that deceive your brain into believing it’s electricity surging through your veins. So, it’s painful, and they’re deceiving you. What fun.
These kinds of 'toys' have been around since the early 2000s, a time when self-inflicted pain oddly gained popularity in online circles.
Just saying.
Why does this even exist? Who would possibly want this? Presumably, only YouTubers and journalists…
9. Spicy or Disgusting Flavor 'Challenge' Items
These are the kinds of gifts you resort to when the local toy store runs out of electric shock games. The milder version includes various 'gross-out' products that operate like a game of chance. Harry Potter enthusiasts, for instance, adore the jellybean game (inspired by the infamous 'Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans,' which feature flavors like dirty sock and vomit)—'Will it be a sweet treat or something revolting? Isn’t this a blast?' (bean flavors)
What’s truly astonishing is that we haven’t yet seen Gen Z kids filing for emancipation from their Millennial, Harry Potter-obsessed parents. Then again, Millennials aren’t exactly rushing to have children.
The harsher version of this trend includes the numerous 'Hot Challenge' products flooding the market. The Pacqui One Chip Challenge, where participants eat a single chip coated in Carolina Reaper pepper sauce, has become a viral sensation. Not because it’s enjoyable, but because people love watching others suffer. Do you really want your loved ones writhing in pain and losing their sense of taste on Christmas Day?
Let’s be honest—if Shaquille O’Neal can’t handle it, you’re probably not going to fare much better.
8. Swingball…in the Northern Hemisphere
Before all you nostalgic readers begin reminiscing about how enjoyable this backyard game was or how often you claimed victory as its champion, take a moment to consider the context.
Many children will unwrap this gift, accompanied by enthusiastic parents saying, 'Oh wow, swingball? I remember playing this with my mom and dad. Isn’t this awesome?' And they’re not wrong. Swingball—or tether tennis—is indeed a blast. Just not during the northern hemisphere’s winter, which happens to coincide with Christmas. So, this gift, along with Slip ‘n’ Slides, Super Soakers, and badminton sets, will remain unused until the weather warms up enough to avoid frostbite.
But be careful not to accidentally purchase the 1930s version of 'Swingball,' a brutal 'girth control' exercise tool designed to keep women in shape. The supposed benefit? 'It makes dancing exercises simple.' The drawback? You might fracture your pelvis. Honestly, a soggy tennis ball to the face sounds far less dangerous.
7. Novelty Books
Carl Sagan once remarked, 'A single glance at a book allows you to hear the voice of someone else, perhaps someone who lived a millennium ago. Reading is like traveling through time.' Profound words indeed.
However, this sentiment doesn’t apply to the countless pages of nonsense printed annually, aimed at selling copies to clueless buyers with questionable taste and little humor or intellect. It’s an entire industry catering to the uninspired and unoriginal. I’m talking about novelty books—designed for a single read before being relegated to a shelf, cupboard, or charity shop, where they await their next victim to bore with their fleeting mediocrity.
A few might elicit a laugh: Dimly Lit Meals for One: Heartbreaking Tales of Sad Food and Even Sadder Lives by Tom Kennedy might amuse you. Once. But then what? No one will revisit it. The same applies to Michael J Knowles’s masterpiece Reasons to Vote for Democrats: A Comprehensive Guide, a 266-page book addressing topics like immigration, education, and homeland security…with all subsequent 'chapters' left blank. Clever. Even worse is the derivative Reasons to Vote for Republicans: A Captivating Interpretation by Char Daley. It’s the same gimmick, just riding on Knowles’s mildly entertaining idea, which makes it even more tiresome.
Picture unwrapping one of these at Christmas. You might get 35, maybe 40 seconds of amusement. Whatever happened to socks as the go-to terrible gift? At least those are wearable.
6. Executive Stress Toys
There’s a common stereotype about corporate professionals: they supposedly spend their days lounging in offices or cubicles, doing minimal work (if any), while raking in hefty paychecks, all while relying on a handful of overworked individuals who actually keep the system running.
Desk toys only reinforce that stereotype.
To make matters worse, they’re utterly pointless. These so-called 'toys' are nothing more than decorative clutter, typically placed on Formica surfaces. If they’re intended to function as toys, they’re the most dismal, Soviet-inspired creations imaginable—black plastic, chrome, and a single repetitive motion or function. No purpose, no objective, and certainly no elements of fun.
This might hint at a darker truth than just 'lazy, wealthy elites.' Perhaps this is the vision of some AI-driven future, where office workers are distracted by trivialities as machines take over their productive roles. Maybe these 'office toys' are the shiny distractions dangled before us while Skynet gains consciousness and prepares to unleash nuclear devastation. As cities burn and silence descends, the only sound left will be the endless clacking of millions of Newton’s Cradles on desktops…
What? Okay, I’m back.
5. Not Quite
Some of you might remember the frustration of receiving impossibly difficult video games in the ’80s. Titles like 1986’s Ghosts’ n Goblins for the NES come to mind, as does Contra—a game that made players wish they could fire a real machine gun at their console. But beyond these notoriously hard games, is there a more disappointing gaming experience? Something more infuriating than dying 45,000 times in Dark Souls?
Absolutely.
Over the years, countless games have been released that are weak imitations of more respected, superior titles. Even when they’re not outright rip-offs, there are often games in the same genre that just don’t measure up. Craving Mortal Kombat? You’re stuck with Killer Instinct. Hoping for FIFA in your stocking? How about Pro Evo Soccer instead? It’s basically the same, right? Dreaming of a retro N64 experience with Madden 64? Sorry, all we could find was Olympic Hockey Nagano ’98. That’s still an American sports game, isn’t it? Quit complaining; it could’ve been a lump of coal.
4. Pinart
You press your face into a bed of pins held between panes of glass. As you tilt your head back, the pins shift, capturing your contorted expression. Is this medieval torture? No, it’s a novelty gift. Once you feel the sharp sting of a pin poking too far into your nostril while trying to mimic your favorite manga character’s aheago face, you’ll abandon this toy forever. Still, the middle finger impressions are amusing, especially if your mom walks in while searching for your hidden stash…you weeb.
Art is notoriously difficult to define. One thing we can agree on is that no 'art' has ever been produced using one of these novelty items.
3. Any Festive Paraphernalia
Christmas-themed items are fine in moderation—who doesn’t enjoy an ugly holiday sweater, a singing animatronic snowman, or a room diffuser smelling of frankincense and myrrh? But these are best suited for the festive season leading up to Christmas, not as gifts for the day itself…especially if they’re given to someone else, rendering them useless to you.
Even with Christmas-themed socks, are you really going to wear them after December 25th? The next acceptable time to use such items without seeming like a holiday-obsessed weirdo is a full year later. Who wants a gift that’s unusable for 12 months? To anyone considering festive-themed gifts, do us all a favor: don’t.
But if you absolutely must give festive paraphernalia, at least make it humorous. How about a Christmas tree ornament shaped like a stick of butter?
2. Land! (But Not Really)
Have you ever dreamed of being a Lord, ordering servants to fetch wineberries from your Scottish Highlands estate? Or perhaps being among the first to claim a piece of Mars or the Moon? Maybe even declaring yourself God-President of the JimWilkinsonIsWayCool star system after purchasing a certificate to name it? Well, now you can…sort of. With a meaningless deed that holds no legal value and doesn’t grant you any of these titles. https://shasthrasnehi.com/buy-a-land-on-the-moon-who-is-being-fooled/
If you’re determined to go this route, you could save money (and your dignity) by printing out a 'deed' at home that declares the same 'ownership' to anyone you choose. For free. But seriously, don’t.
1. Lava Lamps
Alright, lava lamps aren’t the most cringe-worthy gift someone can give. They have a cool aesthetic for some, evoke nostalgia, and could even land you a hefty settlement if one explodes in your face. But here’s the catch: nostalgic for whom?
Anyone who recalls owning one of these in their room is likely a grandparent by now. Yet, it’s not them purchasing these items—it’s Millennial parents buying them for their kids. Do these parents remember the lava lamp era? Unlikely, but capitalizing on nostalgia for nostalgia’s sake is a booming industry. Retro and vintage have replaced 'cutting edge' and 'time-saving,' the buzzwords that drove sales in the 20th century.
Critics often accuse Americans of a 'certain age' of romanticizing a past that never truly existed—a 1950s fantasy of white picket fences, nuclear families, and cars in every garage. Yet, it’s often these same critics who crave remakes, reboots, and endless sequels, repackaging the past. Perhaps they think lava lamps were a cultural staple of their childhood because they binge-watched That 70’s Show?
Mark my words, in 50 years, Gen XYZ Beta will be gifting lava lamps to their kids as well. The cycle continues, endlessly.
