The Breakup Quandary: Navigating the End of a Relationship

If your relationship brings more sorrow than joy, and more hurt than happiness, take a moment to reflect on what you truly want and what you're willing to give in return. If you find that nothing can be given by your partner (or by you), that should be a sign. Similarly, if a once thriving relationship has soured due to changes like relocation, personal growth, or betrayal, it's unlikely to revert back. But, consider if there's something your partner can still offer that holds value, and if you're willing to give something in exchange. If so, take the time to work through it. If not, it’s time to part ways without drama or resentment.

Breaking the news

The relationship has reached its end. It's time to face reality. Breaking up is just as essential a skill as any aspect of dating. Disappearing without a word isn't fair to either person. The world is too small, and you're too valuable to simply vanish. The goal now is to end things with the least amount of hurt, bitterness, and regret. So when you've finally made the decision, how do you carry it out?

Steer clear of blaming

The first impulse to resist is the urge to blame. With just the two of you involved, it's easy to fall into the trap of taking the blame entirely on yourself, even though it's not accurate: 'You're too good for me,' 'I don't deserve you'—both of which signal you want out. Alternatively, you could direct blame at your partner: 'You never truly loved me,' 'You cared more about work than me,' 'You’ve never gotten over your first love,' 'You’ve gained weight, lost your hair, become moody...' and so on.

Avoid falling into either trap. The key to keeping your dignity is being specific about your feelings, without assigning blame. In the end, whose fault it is doesn’t matter, and steering clear of blame will save both of you from unnecessary pain.

To bypass the blame game, try framing things as 'I feel...' instead of 'You are...'. And no, it's not okay to say, 'I feel like you're a jerk.' This method is acceptable only if you follow it up with something personal, such as 'I feel neglected when you work every weekend.' (Of course, if you had expressed this earlier, the relationship might still be salvageable.) By being specific now, both of you can assess the situation more objectively, rather than feeling like one of you failed.

Avoid asking 'why'

When a relationship ends, the 'why' matters less than the 'how' — how do we both move forward and live our lives free from pain and regret? Sometimes, a relationship is only meant to last for a certain period. That doesn't mean it was bad, just that it wasn't meant to be forever.

If you're both clear, you'll understand what went wrong and what might be different next time. The 'why' might fade over time or be something better suited for therapy, but dwelling on the past when you're parting ways is deeply painful. The 'why' belongs to the past, often unclear or even unknowable. When you start asking 'why,' both of you are stuck, and there are no easy answers.

Handling a Breakup

Coping with the aftermath

So now you're separated. You've made it through the hardest part, the heartache is over, but a new type of misery is just around the corner: the nagging doubt and the second-guessing of whether you made the right decision. After a breakup, you can either wallow in self-pity (give yourself only 24 to 36 hours to cry) or channel your energy into something more productive.

Identify recurring patterns

If you've experienced more than one breakup, take some time to reflect privately on whether there's a pattern to your relationships, starting with that first crush in second grade who knocked you off the teeter-totter.

Do you find yourself drawn to unavailable people, only to feel neglected when they're not there? Do you need to control everything, feeling anxious when you can't? Do you play the caregiver role and then feel frustrated when others don't reciprocate, even though you've set yourself up as the caretaker (which is essentially a form of control)?

Recognizing these patterns is a valuable exercise for yourself because most people eventually get involved again — often far too quickly, before they've fully processed their previous relationship. You’ll likely want to move on too, and understanding your patterns could help you avoid repeating the same mistakes.

Talking to your ex about the patterns you've identified in yourself won't be very helpful. And please, under no circumstances, point out the patterns you see in your ex's behavior. You're not their parent or therapist, and no matter how insightful your observations, they'll likely come across as self-serving. Save those pearls of "wisdom" for a time when you're both close friends, and even then, keep them to yourself.

Accept that many things don't last forever

A relationship ending doesn't mean it was bad. Unfortunately, many people think that if a relationship doesn't last as long as they expected, someone must be to blame, someone has to suffer, and it wasn't a worthwhile relationship at all.

Keep in mind that it takes time to really get to know someone, and even wonderful people can discover that there's no chemistry after some time. This doesn't mean the relationship was bad or a failure, and neither person is the villain. The only way to evaluate if a relationship was worth your time is through time itself.

If you view each experience as tuition in the school of life and love, you’ll understand that some lessons cost more than others. Some classes are more enjoyable, memorable, or impactful than others. But only with time will you be able to see which experiences truly taught you something valuable.

Always look ahead

It's impossible to move backward in a relationship. Once you've experienced someone who is both kind and intelligent, you'll never accept one without the other again. Every breakup presents an opportunity to move forward, and eventually, you may even find yourself grateful to the person who ended things, despite how difficult it felt in the moment.

Excerpted from Dating For Dummies™, published by Wiley Publishing Inc.

For more information on "Dating For Dummies®", or other books, visit Dummies.com.