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It’s a situation we’ve all encountered: mid-sentence, you realize you've used the wrong pronoun—"I heard that she—oh, I meant he!" A slip of the tongue like this can be awkward, especially if you consider yourself someone who’s usually careful with language.
So why do these pronoun slips occur, and why do we often get pronouns wrong more than names or other gender-specific words? Linguistics—the scientific study of language—offers explanations, helping us understand how to choose our words more accurately. The methods behind pronoun use are surprisingly similar to how we learn new languages.
The Distinction Between Content and Function Words
As Schoolhouse Rock once taught us, pronouns like we, you, and it replace longer names or phrases. These pronouns, along with articles and prepositions, are part of a larger category of words known as “function words,” which our brains process mostly without conscious thought, due to their frequency and the role they play in holding sentence structure together. In contrast, content words—such as nouns, verbs, and adjectives—demand more attention because they convey more information.
Languages are always evolving, in part because they continuously adopt new content words (like cheugy or rizz). However, it takes much longer for new function words to be integrated, and when they do, they tend to be introduced one by one, spreading more slowly.
This is why most people don’t learn many new pronouns (or other function words)—there just aren’t many to learn. Since your brain doesn’t get much practice with these words, they become harder to pick up, creating a cycle that perpetuates the difficulty.
The automatic nature of function words is also the reason why many people don’t even notice pronoun slips. There are far more function words than content words—if you tracked all the pronouns you use or hear in a single day, you’d be surprised at how much more frequently they appear. Since the brain tends to filter out frequent elements from conscious attention, function words often go unnoticed unless we focus on them intentionally; viral brain teasers highlight just how skilled our brains are at ignoring them.
All of this means there are plenty of opportunities to slip up with pronouns without even realizing it. If you’re trying to get used to a new set of pronouns for someone—say, your friend transitioning from they/them to she/her—you’re battling a strong habit because you’ve probably said “they” many times before. This repetition creates a kind of automatic muscle memory. Overriding that habit requires conscious effort and attention.
Linguistic Strategies for Mastering Pronouns
Does this mean we’re doomed to forever make pronoun mistakes? Not at all—linguistic research on function words can actually help us train our brains to use pronouns more accurately.
The first step is to build linguistic awareness: slow down and start paying attention to function words in both your speech and the speech of others. This helps your brain become more attuned to recognizing them.
Reprogramming how your brain handles pronouns (or any function word) is much like second-language learning techniques. Beyond developing awareness, it’s essential to practice through repetition, reinforcement, and real-life experience.
You can practice repetition and reinforcement by writing a story about your friend using their new pronouns, or reinforce through real-world practice by having conversations with a friend who can correct you when you slip up. Positive reinforcement is key too—consider setting up a “reverse swear jar,” where you reward yourself with a nickel each time you correctly use the new pronouns. This can help solidify the pattern and boost your linguistic awareness.
If you want to practice using pronouns that are entirely new to you, try changing your pet’s pronouns to something like xe/xyr to get more repetition and hands-on experience. These strategies focus on giving you practice while avoiding the discomfort of misgendering your friend directly, saving both you and xem from awkward situations.
The final tip isn’t about linguistics, but it will ease the process of training your brain: Take some time to learn social scripts for what to do if you slip up and what to say if someone else makes a mistake in front of you. Having a plan in place can reduce anxiety that might make us defensive or avoidant. A simple “oops, sorry, I meant—” is perfectly fine, and correcting yourself reinforces the pattern you're trying to establish—win-win!
If you’ve had difficulty with pronouns, you’re not alone—it’s a natural result of how our brains process language. But with a bit of practice, it will soon feel effortless and second nature. Using the correct pronouns is an excellent way to show support for your trans friends and loved ones, and strengthening your language skills has the added benefit of improving your cognitive flexibility overall.
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