Buzz
Although shame and guilt might appear alike, shame is closely tied to issues like addiction, depression, and aggression. Conversely, guilt is often connected to empathy and the ability to understand others' viewpoints.
So, what's the actual difference? In her TED talk, Brené Brown shared her insights:
Shame is about focusing on the self, whereas guilt centers on actions. Shame says, "I am bad," while guilt says, "I did something bad." How many of you, if you did something hurtful to me, would be ready to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?" And how many would be open to saying that? Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.
However, this isn't simply a matter of minor word choice. Brown elaborates further:
Shame is strongly linked to issues like addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, and eating disorders.
Here's something even more important: Guilt is actually the opposite of these issues. The ability to reflect on our actions or inactions in light of our values is highly adaptive. It might feel uncomfortable, but it's an essential process.
Clinical psychologist Mary C. Lamia described in Psychology Today that bullies are especially prone to shame. She noted, "That means they fear their failures or weaknesses will be exposed. It's possible to struggle with shame while maintaining high self-esteem, which is why some people act out as bullies." This research (along with other studies referenced) supports Brown's assertion that shame fuels aggression and anger.
The answer isn't to eliminate shame altogether. Shame is a natural part of our human connections. However, we’ve been conditioned with the message, "Never let them see you sweat." According to Brown, the key solution is to embrace vulnerability instead.
And what about Brown's statement that guilt is inversely related to anger? A study published in the Journal of Personality suggests that guilt fosters prosocial, relationship-building behaviors. One study showed that while shame was associated with personal distress, guilt encouraged greater perspective-taking.
While this impacts the way we view our own flaws and mistakes, it's also important to surround ourselves with individuals who are less susceptible to shame and more inclined to guilt.
We all make mistakes, but that doesn't define us as failures.
