Buzz
When using a dating app, it’s easy to get caught up in too many chats. Who wouldn’t want to explore options from different categories? Initially, keeping your choices open seems wise until you find someone you truly connect with. But is juggling multiple conversations the right strategy?
Laurel House, a relationship expert at eharmony, believes it is. “Online dating allows you to broaden your dating horizons. Beyond just diversifying platforms, you can meet people of different religions, races, ages, careers, and interests,” she explains to Mytour. “While you might usually stick to a specific type, the variety available now encourages you to date more openly. With an open mind, you might discover that your ideal partner is completely different from your usual preference.”
Opening yourself to diverse dating experiences naturally increases your pool of potential matches. However, House assures that this doesn’t have to feel overwhelming.
“Most individuals won’t make it past the initial screening phase and will be filtered out. The beauty of online dating is that you avoid wasting face-to-face time and reduce hurt feelings by ending things before they truly start,” she clarifies. With this in mind, what’s the ideal number of dating conversations to have?
What’s the Right Number of Conversations to Manage Simultaneously?
Engaging in multiple conversations doesn’t justify being inconsiderate with others’ emotions. “Dating several people doesn’t automatically label you as shallow, unreliable, or insincere,” House explains. “However, you shouldn’t communicate with more than nine people at once. Too many conversations can dull your emotional responses, while too few might leave you wanting more.”
Her recommended number? Three.
“You can genuinely connect with around three people at the same time,” House states. “Genuine connection involves honest, open, and meaningful conversations. You’ve transitioned from the app to phone calls or even in-person meetings. Dating three people allows you to refine your understanding of what you truly seek in a relationship. With multiple options, you’re better equipped to make a well-considered decision.”
Maintain three matches simultaneously
Although many of us are naturally inclined to focus on one person at a time, House points out that dating exclusively one individual can lead to “self-imposed pressure” to make the relationship succeed, especially when no other options are available.
“In such a high-pressure situation, you might act out of a sense of scarcity, which could lead to feelings of fear, insecurity, neediness, or desperation,” she elaborates. “When the fear of losing someone drives your actions, you’re more likely to make poor choices. Being with that one person can create an intense emotional high.”
However, dating multiple people tends to reduce the intensity of that high, which House considers beneficial. “Without the dopamine rush clouding your judgment, you can think more clearly and are better positioned to recognize important red flags.”
Avoid managing more than nine conversations at once
If you embrace the ‘more the merrier’ approach, remember that engaging with over nine people on a dating app can lead to confusion. It’s easy to lose track of conversations, details, and emotions. While facts matter, emotions are even more critical.
“You might be deeply engaged in a meaningful conversation with one person, sharing and connecting, feeling a growing interest,” she explains. “But if you switch your focus to another individual among the many you’re talking to, you could lose the emotional intensity you momentarily experienced.”
This is why people often ghost on dating apps—even one of your top three matches. “You might believe you’re having a great chat, only for them to suddenly stop responding. Don’t take it personally,” she advises. “We don’t know what’s happening on their side. Perhaps they were already connecting with someone else, and that relationship progressed faster—it’s not about you.”
How to Manage Dating Three People Simultaneously
How do you keep your emotions separate for each of your top three? House suggests it’s about strategy and maintaining emotional distance.
“During a date or conversation, fully immerse yourself in that person’s presence. However, once it ends, detach emotionally so you can be completely present with others. I refer to this as ‘all in, unattached,’” she explains. “This approach ensures you give each relationship the attention and respect it deserves. Maintaining a confident, vulnerable, and connected presence is challenging with more than three people. You need to be open-hearted, present, and mindful in each relationship, which becomes difficult beyond three.”
