Buzz
People often go to great lengths to avoid conversations with others. Whether it’s on the train, in a museum, or while waiting at the grocery store, we often find ourselves withdrawing into our own worlds, fixated on books or screens. This detachment means that many of us go through life unaware of the incredible advantages that even brief and random interactions with strangers can provide.
The fear and suspicion of strangers have become ingrained in pop culture and the general public mindset. Our societal distrust of others was cemented by films like Strangers on a Train and the widespread panic of “stranger danger” from the 1980s, which continues to shape perceptions to this day.
In his book The Power of Strangers: The Benefits of Connecting in a Suspicious World. author Joe Keohane explores the question of why we shy away from talking to strangers. The book delves into the anxiety that strangers trigger and the extensive psychological evidence showing that such fears are largely unfounded. Keohane also provides a roadmap for anyone looking to embrace the powerful advantages of engaging with the people around them—something that could be especially helpful in today’s divisive times.
Why are we so hesitant to talk to strangers?
Keohane explains that the reasons behind our reluctance to engage with strangers are diverse, ranging from factors like population density and the rise of smartphones, to societal messages about how dangerous strangers can be, and deeper issues involving gender, race, and class.
Much of it, he tells Mytour, boils down to the assumptions we hold about others, and the common belief that people won’t respond favorably to our attempts to connect. “Studies show that people often fear they won’t know what to say, that they’ll be rejected, that they’ll appear foolish or insane, or that they’ll struggle to end the conversation,” he says.
This mindset has been cultivated over many years of social conditioning. History shows that people frequently build metaphorical barriers between themselves and others, and the concept of “otherness” has often been a harmful force manipulated by certain leaders to divide communities.
The 1980s marked a period when the fear of “stranger danger” became widespread. “It was a moral panic,” says Keohane. “After a few shocking incidents involving child abduction and murder, the U.S. launched a campaign against strangers. That’s when the term ‘stranger danger’ became part of our vocabulary.”
Humans tend to flourish when social divides are bridged. Keohane’s book draws on a wealth of recent research showing that spontaneous social interactions with strangers often exceed expectations. "It comes fairly easily to them," he says. "The exchanges tend to last longer, people find them more engaging than they thought, and they become more fascinated by the strangers than they anticipated."
Why should you engage with strangers?
Speaking with strangers can be a soothing remedy for loneliness, yet due to the rise of smartphones (along with various other factors), we engage in these conversations much less than before. "With the rise of digital technology," Keohane observes, "we interact much less in person, and simultaneously, we’ve witnessed a dramatic increase in mental health issues and loneliness."
The book references multiple studies that highlight the advantages of conversing with strangers, which Keohane summarizes: "Those who actively seek out these conversations report feeling happier, more connected, more trusting, less lonely... they also experience an elevated sense of well-being, belonging, and optimism."
It’s not entirely clear why people report feeling so positive after conversing with strangers—even after casual exchanges—but Keohane proposes it could be tied to the release of oxytocin. Either way, an undeniable fact emerges from the data: people often feel better after talking to strangers. For Keohane, he experiences a sense of relief after conversing with someone unfamiliar, as he “realizes that people aren’t as awful as we’ve been led to believe.”
A helpful strategy when speaking with strangers is to start by focusing on what feels comfortable to you. Keohane suggests easing into the interaction by sticking to what seems physically safe. He notes that, as a straight white male, his privileges may differ from those of others, so it's important to approach each conversation at your own pace and be mindful of the ongoing pandemic.
There are various groups like Sidewalk Talk, Living Room Conversations, or Conversations New York, where anyone can practice talking to others. If you're stepping out of your home for the first time, Keohane recommends breaking free from conventional conversation norms. Establish eye contact, ask open-ended questions that begin with ‘how’ or ‘why,’ and always pay attention to social cues. Remember, this is not an invitation to intrude or harass.
The key to getting better at conversing with strangers is to be respectful and aware. Try to listen actively and understand their perspective, rather than focusing too much on yourself. Be cautious of judgment or dismissiveness, and allow the conversation to flow naturally without forcing it in any direction.
The author offers this advice:
Don't dominate the conversation with your own stories. Instead, let the other person speak, paying attention to what they say, where they come from, and their motivations. Avoid being critical or condescending. Let the conversation take its own path and unfold naturally.
Releasing your worries and expectations about how a conversation might unfold can be incredibly liberating. As Keohane puts it, speaking with strangers will often take unexpected turns and surprise you.
