Buzz
At some point, everyone requires a bit of support. It’s perfectly normal to seek help occasionally. However, many people struggle with the right approach to asking, which often results in not asking at all. A social psychologist suggests a straightforward and highly effective method for making such requests.
Heidi Grant, the writer of Reinforcements: How To Get People to Help You, explains to The Verge that the key takeaway is that seeking assistance is always acceptable. We often assume others will decline our requests or view us negatively, leading us to avoid asking for help more frequently than we should. Research, however, indicates that people tend to like us more when we ask for their help. But what’s the best way to ensure they actually agree to assist?
Choose a Specific Individual to Approach
Grant emphasizes that targeting one person rather than a group yields better results. Requesting help from a group often triggers the “diffusion of responsibility” effect, where no one feels compelled to act, assuming someone else will step in. Identify someone you believe is most capable of assisting you, or consider sending personalized requests to multiple individuals instead of posting in a group chat.
Clearly Express Your Need for Assistance and Be Precise
Many individuals hesitate to offer help for fear of overstepping, so it’s crucial to explicitly state that you’re seeking assistance rather than just sharing your thoughts. Additionally, ensure your request is detailed and precise. Avoid ambiguity about what you need, and refrain from starting with phrases like “Can you do me a favor?” According to Grant, this approach can come off as manipulative since it pressures someone to agree before knowing the specifics. Instead, opt for a straightforward question like, “Can you help me with [specific task]?”
Provide a Timeline and an Exit Option
While this advice isn’t from Grant, it’s equally valuable. When requesting help, offer a timeframe or a flexible deadline. Vague phrases such as “whenever you can” or “if you get a chance” shift the burden onto the person already doing you a favor. While it may seem courteous to let them decide, it can actually add unnecessary stress. You’re essentially saying, “I need your help, but I also want you to determine when I need it,” which complicates things further. Instead, ask about their availability while specifying your timeline. For example: “Could you assist me with [specific task] this afternoon? I’m aiming to finish this today.”
It’s also considerate to give them an out if you suspect they’re busy. This ensures your request feels like an invitation rather than an obligation. Always maintain a respectful tone.
Avoid Apologizing
When seeking assistance, you might feel the urge to apologize for consuming their time and effort. Resist this impulse. Grant explains that self-deprecation diminishes the helper’s satisfaction in aiding you. Many of us already overuse apologies, which can undermine our confidence and the value of our requests.
Reach Out Again to Previous Decliners
Grant highlights an often-overlooked resource: individuals who have previously declined to help. Just because someone refused in the past doesn’t mean they won’t assist you now. Studies indicate they’re more inclined to help this time, as they may want to make up for their earlier rejection and “mend the relationship.” Consider revisiting someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t help before and ask once more.
The full interview with Grant is highly insightful, so don’t miss it—click the link below to explore further.
