Buzz
Move over, #FloridaMan – it’s time for the ladies to take the spotlight. Whatever the guys can do, the women do it better. And in the Sunshine State, 'anything' often means drugs, assault, public nudity, and other creative ways to wind up in cuffs.
In today’s #MeToo era, Florida has embraced the changing times, stepping up to offer a truly equal-opportunity disaster zone. Here are ten bold, fearless women, Florida-style.
10. Meet the Parents
Sometimes, you just have to have that Bloomin’ Onion.
When 28-year-old Deanna Seltzer from Lake Worth couldn’t get her parents to take her to dinner at Outback Steakhouse, she decided to channel Crocodile Dundee. After punching her mother in the chest and arms, scratching her father’s face when he tried to intervene, and flipping a glass table, Ms. Seltzer grabbed a 12-inch decorative knife and chased her dad around the house.
Ms. Seltzer’s rampage didn’t stop there; she also flipped over recliners and slashed up some furniture. Facing charges of battery against a person 65 or older and aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, she was released on bail and told to avoid drugs and alcohol – which, for a Floridian, is like being told to stay away from shorts and flip-flops.
This whole ordeal raises some key questions, the most pressing being, “Why does a 28-year-old need her parents’ permission to go out for an overcooked, overpriced steak?” Another mystery is why Outback Steakhouse – or the lack thereof – was her breaking point. It’s a strange hill to die on – or rather, for her parents to almost die on. Crikey.
9. Losing Her Cool
Floridians are unpredictable enough with air conditioning, let alone without it. So when Kimberly Dunn’s husband in Lake City tried to take her air conditioner on a hot October day, her response, by Florida standards, was relatively calm: She shot him in the testicles.
Things escalated quickly, and Dunn’s husband found himself bleeding from his nether regions. Fortunately, his brother was on hand to rush him to the ER, likely preoccupied with his own set of problems. The husband went to the hospital, and Dunn went to jail, both needing to explain their sides of the story.
When questioned by police, Dunn insisted the shooting was an accident, claiming she only meant to scare her husband. We can assume she was successful in achieving that goal.
8. Check, Please
If this site ever compiles a list of 'Top Ten Headlines of All Time,' the one reported by WPLG, a South Florida ABC affiliate, will definitely be a contender: 'Florida Woman Drops Pants, Licks Man, Dances Naked in Waffle House Parking Lot.'
Thirty-eight-year-old Freedom Ryder Zobrist, whose parents were either Civil Rights activists or simply had an incredible sense of humor, was arrested last year in Pensacola for indecent exposure, disorderly conduct, battery, and assault – what we like to call the Florida superfecta.
Police report that a Waffle House employee – imagine a 24/7 diner with all the charm of Southern America – asked Zobrist to leave the establishment due to her disruptive behavior. True to form, she returned shortly after and verbally harassed the employee, threatening to get a gun and shoot him and everyone else in the restaurant. Just another day at the Waffle House.
After this lively conversation, Freedom decided to liberate herself… from her clothes. Outside in the parking lot, she dropped her pants, exposed herself, and began dancing. Still pantless, Zobrist walked up to the employee and licked both sides of his face. She topped off her performance by blocking his car and dancing naked in front of it. Honey, maybe it’s time for a pole and stage.
7. The Sunshine State Samaritan
In early April, as the COVID-19 pandemic began to affect her community in St. Augustine’s suburbs, 42-year-old Abril Cestoni decided to help out her fellow Floridians in her own unique way. With grocery stores running out of essentials and Easter approaching, Cestoni thought people could use some holiday cheer.
Never one to seek praise for her good deeds, Cestoni kept her contributions anonymous. Gathering a pile of plastic Easter eggs, she hatched a plan to deliver a Florida-style COVID care package. She went door-to-door in her neighborhood, leaving the colorful eggs in people’s mailboxes.
Inside the eggs were a collection of quarantine-friendly essentials: a cracker, powdered drink mix, a single square of toilet paper, and a torn magazine page with an explicit image – classic Sunshine State fare.
Unfortunately, Cestoni wasn’t as elusive as the Easter Bunny. When confronted by the police, she confessed to placing the eggs in the mailboxes, saying she was 'educating people.' She was charged with 11 counts of distributing obscene material, although she claimed to have handed out around 400 eggs.
6. Meals on Wheels (and Meth)
20-year-old Josseleen Lopez, feeling a bit peckish, decided to make a trip to her local Wal-Mart in Lecanto, Florida. Mini muffins? Check. Cinnamon rolls? Check. Rotisserie chicken with sauce? Check. Sushi? Why not?
Two bottles of cheap wine? Absolutely. Meth? Oh, you betcha, check.
One would assume that a drug user’s top priority would be 'don’t get caught.' Unfortunately, Ms. Lopez didn’t get the memo, likely because she was too busy indulging in meth. After injecting two syringes' worth into her veins, she abandoned all caution.
First, the young woman, who presumably could walk, opted not to use a traditional shopping cart. Instead, she rode a motorized scooter cart, zipping through the aisles in a vehicle typically reserved for Florida’s elderly and plus-sized residents. #Murica.
The other thing Ms. Lopez decided to skip was paying for her items. She dined right there in the grocery aisle. The game was up when an employee noticed a half-finished bottle of wine in her cart, then watched as she picked up a box of sushi, ate a piece, and returned the box to the shelf – a true 'Floridian buffet.'
5. Under Arrest and In the Mood
Last year, a deputy pulled over a couple near Jacksonville after they cut off another vehicle, nearly causing an accident. Smelling alcohol, the officer arrested 35-year-old Megan Mondanaro and 31-year-old Aaron Thomas for suspected drunk driving. Just another day in the Sunshine State, right?
Wrong.
In a rare #FloridaMan–#FloridaWoman moment, Mondanaro and Thomas decided to take the Florida spirit to the next level by getting intimate in the back of the patrol car. Noticing the couple had stripped down and were in the midst of their post-arrest romance, the deputy opened the door to intervene. That’s when Thomas pulled a classic move, streaking naked into the night as a 'wham, bam, thank you ma’am' exit.
After what was likely a rather amusing police scanner alert, Thomas was caught and both he and Mondanaro were locked up. Their charges included resisting arrest with violence, engaging in an unnatural and lascivious act, exposing sexual organs, and driving under the influence. No updates on whether either of them had an easier time getting off, in any sense.
4. She Am Who Am
What if, as Joan Osborne once wondered, God was one of us? Just a regular person, maybe a slob, just a stranger on a tricycle?
Leida Crisostomo, a 52-year-old from Collier County, was convinced that these profound theological musings weren’t just rhetorical. She believed she and God were one and the same.
Apparently, God had some smiting to do. Mounting the Florida version of the Pope-mobile – a child’s tricycle – Crisostomo grabbed a handgun and cruised around, pointing it at several lapsed believers. Then God went shopping, Florida-style: She pedaled over to a parked mail truck, declaring that one of the parcels was Heaven-sent. At gunpoint, she offered to personally deliver it to the deity, and off she went on her tricycle.
Unfortunately for God, the separation of church and state came to an abrupt end. A police car pulled up alongside the Holy Trinity’s tricycle, issuing a direct command: drop the gun, immediately. God complied. It turned out the gun was a toy anyway – because, of course, God doesn’t need bullets.
Crisostomo confessed to police that she was, indeed, God, and explained that the voices in her head were instructing her to act. Apparently, God talks to herself. Crisostomo was arrested but soon released, last seen attempting to build an ark with a toy hammer.
3. What a Gas
Another contender for the best headline ever comes courtesy of Sarah Jo Longacre: Naked, Toothless Woman Huffing Propane Threatens to Blow Up Police.
The 45-year-old from Naples was minding her own business, inhaling propane gas from a tank in her dimly lit garage while naked, when her obviously concerned mother called the cops on her. Parents, right?
But as glorious as the headline is, it doesn’t fully capture the bizarre situation. When the police arrived, they learned two things. First, Longacre was the size of, well, an acre. The 300-pound woman resembled more of a refueling SUV than the typical #FloridaWoman simply trying to get high in her garage. Second – surprise, surprise – she was a bit tipsy. She claimed to have consumed two liters of alcohol, which is a shockingly specific detail for someone huffing propane from a spigot.
Upset about her privacy being violated, Longacre lit a lighter, held it near the nozzle, and threatened to turn the now-packed scene into a fiery inferno. The police backed off and decided to remove her mother from the house before re-approaching Longacre. This time, they managed to kick the propane tank away before a tragic Floridian fireworks show could unfold.
It took several emergency workers to escort the less-than-pleased Longacre off the property. She kicked and bit, police reported – though it didn’t hurt, as per the headline, she was toothless. Longacre was hospitalized, arrested, and charged with threatening to discharge a destructive device and resisting an officer with violence.
2. You're Fired, Florida Style
This entry is a fiery two-for-one Sunshine State special. First, hell hath no fury like a #FloridaWoman scorned. Unfortunately for one unsuspecting car owner, it also has no incompetence like a #FloridaWoman, period.
Carmen Chamblee, 19, had reached her breaking point with her ex-boyfriend. So, she left the Florida equivalent of an angry note on his car: she lit a rag on fire, shoved it in the gas tank, and then set the inside of the trunk ablaze.
The only issue? It wasn’t even her ex’s car. “I have no idea who she is,” said Tampa resident and former car owner Thomas Jennings, whose Honda Civic was not-so-civilly destroyed. After performing a Florida-style version of John Goodman’s car-trashing scene from *The Big Lebowski*, Chamblee was identified through surveillance footage and arrested.
Meanwhile, in Jacksonville, a more successful arsonist torched a man’s vehicle for the most Florida of reasons: he refused to buy her a McFlurry ice cream from McDonald’s. At around 12:30 AM one evening, Melanie Cross was craving ice cream, but her request went unanswered. Deprived of her dessert, she took matters into her own hands by snatching the man’s keys, grabbing a gas can, and setting his car on fire.
The car’s owner, who most certainly wasn’t *Lovin’ It*, tried unsuccessfully to put out the flames. Despite multiple witnesses and surveillance footage, Cross did what any self-respecting #FloridaWoman would do: she stuck around to lie to the local news team, claiming the car was hers and had just spontaneously combusted.
1. Bosom Buddies
A mother’s work is never done. And for Jennifer Mulford, a proud Floridian, neither is a girlfriend’s work. Mulford was so committed to her high school sweetheart, Brad Leeson, that she quit her job to take their relationship to new heights. The Adult Breastfeeding Relationship level, that is.
Apparently, adult breastfeeding is so common that it has its own acronym: ABR. Mulford had always been intrigued by ABR but had a hard time finding a compatible partner until she reconnected with Leeson.
“When I read about the bond breastfeeding could create between two people, I was envious,” she said, which, considering her home state, is only slightly ridiculous. “[Brad and I] both wanted the same thing from our relationship – a magical bond that only breastfeeding can provide.”
However, there was one issue: Jennifer hadn’t had a child in 20 years (she was 16, which, in Florida, is practically elderly). The now-grandmotherly 36-year-old wasn’t lactating, so she had to “dry feed” and pump regularly to trick her body into producing milk. Now, the dairy-loving duo nurses every two hours – even through the night. “Nights have been challenging,” Mulford admits, “because Brad sleeps so peacefully. But we manage to cope.”
“Until,” she adds, “he falls asleep while latched onto me, which is beautiful.”
Luckily for those who prefer solid food – and wish to avoid projectile vomiting – the couple keeps their mammary activities private. Mulford doesn’t breastfeed her boyfriend in public, which, in Florida, is considered a sign of respect.
