Buzz
During my childhood, I was often praised for my gentle demeanor and exemplary conduct. I was the 'well-behaved child' who never stirred up trouble or raised my voice. This tendency has followed me into adulthood, where I instinctively steer clear of any form of disagreement. However, avoiding confrontation as an adult has proven to be more harmful and restrictive than beneficial.
For years, I considered this trait a virtue. While others might argue or voice complaints, I chose diplomacy and maintaining harmony. Having witnessed outspoken individuals who often erupted in anger over minor issues, I wanted no part in such intense emotions. In the 'fight or flight' response model, these vocal individuals were the fighters, while my instinct, particularly in social settings, was to retreat. I’ve since realized that both extremes—freely expressing every emotion or suppressing them entirely—are detrimental to everyone involved.
The Cost of Maintaining Peace
While there are moments when avoiding confrontation is beneficial—such as negotiating peace with hostile parties or soothing a cranky toddler in a public space—it shouldn’t define your entire approach to interactions. I used to dread and evade any socially awkward scenario, even those that could have fostered personal growth or strengthened my relationships.
For instance, if a friend or coworker said something that upset me, I’d stay silent. I’d bottle up my frustration, avoid the person, and let the negativity simmer until the friendship faded or I erupted over something trivial, which was actually the result of accumulated resentment. Likewise, instead of requesting a raise or promotion, I’d wait for the company to initiate the conversation, accepting whatever they offered while growing bitter about not receiving the raise I never asked for. I even stayed in unhealthy relationships longer than necessary because I dreaded having difficult conversations and potentially hurting someone’s feelings.
Even the smallest disagreements—situations others wouldn’t consider confrontational—filled me with intense anxiety. I struggled to return to a cashier for incorrect change, ask my in-laws to lower the TV volume, or inform a massage therapist that the pressure was too intense. I became the embodiment of enduring discomfort silently, and I paid the price for my hesitation and fear—physically, emotionally, and financially.
Why People Often Avoid Confrontation
I can’t generalize for everyone with this tendency, but for me, my discomfort with assertiveness and conflict stems from both my personality and a distorted perception of confrontation. I believe my non-confrontational nature is ingrained in who I am.
Those who know me often describe me as reserved and soft-spoken. I rarely draw attention to myself or voice my opinions unless absolutely necessary, as doing so drains my energy. However, others in my family are quite the opposite. My 9-year-old daughter, for instance, is eager to question authority figures—whether it’s me, her teachers, or other adults. I often find myself baffled and concerned, wishing she could simply be 'well-behaved' and compliant, as I was at her age. But she’s a natural challenger, while I’ve always been one to retreat.
Aside from personality traits, I believe those of us who avoid confrontation (let’s call us non-confrontationalists!) are overly concerned with others’ opinions. I strive to keep everyone content and avoid being perceived as aggressive, self-centered, or difficult—traits I often associate with more outspoken individuals. I fear being labeled as a complainer or, worse, being branded with the derogatory term often used for assertive women: 'bitchy.' (This is a broader issue, but for women, assertiveness is frequently misconstrued as aggression, creating additional challenges.)
Above all, direct conflict leaves me feeling deeply uneasy and out of place.
The Downsides of Avoiding Confrontation
While avoiding confrontation might help maintain harmony, it also makes you an easy target for exploitation. Author Andrew Schwab articulates this well (though he focuses on passive men, the same applies to women):
Firstly, sidestepping conflict doesn’t resolve it; it merely postpones it. By avoiding issues, you inadvertently amplify them, making the eventual confrontation more intense than necessary. Secondly, constantly trying to please others fosters resentment. The 'yes-man' feels overlooked because their genuine feelings are ignored, while those being manipulated feel deceived, as if they never had a real say. Thirdly, passive or avoidant individuals often struggle with anger. This stems from a) suppressed emotions and b) feeling trapped in situations they can’t escape due to their fear of offending others. Fourthly, such individuals often end up feeling isolated. Avoiding conflict prevents deep connections, as these require vulnerability, which feels risky and uncomfortable. Additionally, 'nice guys' tend to be anxious, as they exhaust themselves trying to keep everyone around them content.
The ultimate losses in this dynamic are our courage and, ultimately, our character.
In other words, by dodging direct conflict or tension, we inadvertently worsen the situation. Attempting to please everyone without asserting ourselves can lead to passive-aggressive behavior—a defense mechanism where anger is masked with a smile.
I only became aware of my passive-aggressive tendencies when my daughter pointed them out: 'Mommy’s the most passive-aggressive person ever!' Examples include sarcastic remarks like 'Gee, wouldn’t it be nice if the lawn was mowed' or 'Too bad our kid doesn’t know how to put her toys away.' Sometimes, passive-aggressiveness manifests as silence or avoidance—classic non-confrontational tactics. As the Washington Post explains, this frustrating behavior often arises from a fear of honesty or a belief that we don’t deserve to voice our thoughts.
How I Managed to Overcome My Avoidance of Confrontation
The first step toward any meaningful change is recognizing the issue and understanding its root causes. A pivotal moment for me came when a therapist explained that depression often stems from internalized anger. This revelation shed light on why I’ve battled depression since childhood—I’ve always struggled to express anger outwardly.
Since that realization, I’ve been working to accept, if not welcome, conflict. Alongside learning to handle my anger more effectively, several strategies have proven helpful:
Address conflicts as soon as they arise, while they’re still manageable. Assertiveness, like any social skill, can be learned and improved with practice. Tackling issues early is far easier than letting them fester. If direct communication with loved ones feels daunting, practice with strangers—like negotiating a phone bill. Keep in mind: “No one cares, so do what you want.”
Reframe your perception of conflict. Assertiveness and expressing your thoughts aren’t inherently selfish or aggressive. Conflicts aren’t always negative—they’re often catalysts for growth—and even heated arguments can be constructive. These ideas might feel foreign if you’re conflict-averse, but they’re worth considering.
Approach situations as if you’re advising a friend. We tend to be more logical and courageous when guiding others than when making decisions for ourselves. If you’re in an uncomfortable social scenario, imagine you’re acting on behalf of a friend. Alternatively, consider what advice you’d give a friend in the same situation.
Choose the communication method that feels most natural to you. For me, that’s writing. When I need to address or challenge someone, composing an email or letter helps me structure my thoughts clearly. I find it easier to articulate myself in writing than in conversation, and a well-crafted message can often pave the way for a meaningful face-to-face discussion.
If avoiding confrontation is necessary, find ways to reduce your stress. Beyond the fight-or-flight response, there’s a third option: staying put and shifting your mindset. Recently, I had family staying with me, and their prolonged visit began to overwhelm me. I could have confronted them and asked them to leave, stayed silent and vented my frustration privately (my usual approach), or worked on managing my irritation. While I’m not entirely there yet, I’ve been focusing on addressing my resentment so I can respond with kindness and understanding.
I’m still the composed and tactful person I’ve always been, but now I’m a bit more straightforward. As writer John Weirick puts it, the healthiest relationships don’t shy away from conflict but instead learn to handle it effectively.
Illustration by Jim Cooke.
