Therapists Are Uncovering the Most Common Topics Oldest Siblings Discuss in Sessions, and Honestly, It's Quite Heart-Wrenching

Words like “independent,” “ambitious,” “responsible,” and “caretakers” are often used to describe firstborn children. From an early age, they take on the role of looking after their younger siblings, all while being raised by first-time parents. These formative experiences shape many aspects of their lives, influencing the themes and beliefs that surface in therapy.

Furthermore, the firstborn child is the only one around when they are born, meaning their role models are often adults or caregivers, explains Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Space to Reflect in Philadelphia.

In contrast, younger siblings have their older brothers and sisters to look up to, often seeing them as role models.

“Typically, younger siblings are considered more laid-back and carefree — it’s fascinating because their role models are actually another child,” Sagaram shared.

When you combine the unique experiences that oldest children go through, it leads to particular struggles that often come up in therapy. Below are some of the most frequent challenges oldest siblings discuss during their sessions:

Challenges with Perfectionism

For firstborn children, there’s often a lot of trial-and-error parenting — new parents are figuring things out with their firstborn and haven’t yet gained the experience that will shape how they raise subsequent children, explained Altheresa Clark, a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of Inspire4Purpose in Florida.

This can result in oldest children facing extreme parenting approaches, such as strict rules and high expectations. “What that leads to for the firstborn is growing up with a lot of pressure. Often, this results in a Type A personality, where they become perfectionists,” Clark shared.

Clark mentioned that she assists her firstborn patients in recognizing and breaking down the perfectionist mindsets they’ve carried for years. “We help them understand that their parents were hard on them as the oldest child, which made them feel the need to be the best, turning them into perfectionists who are extremely self-critical.”

It’s crucial for oldest siblings to make this connection so they can be gentler with themselves when they fall short of their high expectations, Clark advised.

Clark mentioned that individuals who don't meet the expectations instilled in them by their parents tend to be extremely harsh on themselves.

The Struggles of Imposter Syndrome

Clark explained that when someone is overly self-critical and continuously pushes for more, it becomes difficult to ever feel adequate, which can contribute to feelings of imposter syndrome.

Clark shared that firstborn children may struggle with feelings of unworthiness when it comes to success or recognition, often due to their harsh self-criticism and the weight of expectations placed on them by their parents. She noted that this is especially common among her high-achieving Black clients.

Challenges of 'Parentification'

Sagaram explained that many eldest children experienced 'parentification' from a young age. This meant they were tasked with adult responsibilities, often due to their parents being emotionally or physically unavailable, or working long hours.

Sagaram explained that examples of parentification include tasks like taking care of younger siblings, preparing their meals, putting them to bed, and keeping an eye on them.

Clark pointed out that in many cultures, helping out parents is seen as a natural responsibility. This is particularly true in BIPOC communities, where the expectation is that older siblings will assist and serve in caregiving roles for their younger siblings.

Sagaram noted that children who are parentified grow into adults who struggle to fully relax, often worry about others, and feel compelled to always take on the role of caretaker. This pattern is evident in both men and women.

Feelings of Envy Toward Younger Siblings

Sagaram shared that the oldest siblings often feel responsible for leading the way for their younger siblings and may think their younger brother or sister has an easier time.

Both Sagaram and Clark observed that for older siblings, this dynamic can give rise to feelings of jealousy or resentment.

The oldest siblings may feel envious of the freedom younger siblings seem to enjoy in certain situations, such as receiving poor grades or breaking curfew, and wish they could experience life in a similar way.

Ultimately, this can create a sense of unfair treatment for the eldest sibling.

Difficulty in Asking for Assistance

Sagaram explained that the oldest siblings often feel they can't depend on others for help or believe they must have everything figured out by themselves.

This mindset affects all areas of an eldest child's life, including work and relationships. As Sagaram put it, 'When I work with oldest children, we focus on unlearning this habit. Asking for help is perfectly fine; it doesn’t make you weak.'

Clark shared that oldest siblings, who often appear to have their professional and personal lives under control, find it difficult to express when they’re feeling down.

When they do open up about their struggles, they’re sometimes met with comments like 'but you make good money; why are you upset?' which pressures them to hide their mental health challenges even more.

Your Birth Order Can’t Be Changed, But You Can Address Your Struggles

Sagaram explained that birth order is a popular topic on social media, and it does influence who we are and our relationships with our parents, but she emphasized that 'it’s definitely not the only factor.'

If you have a difficult relationship with family members and want to attribute it to your birth order, you could, but Sagaram mentioned that there are also ways to heal these relationships.

Sagaram pointed out that we can't change our birth order, as it's something we were born into. Dwelling on it, she said, could lead to more harm than good.

No matter your birth order, Sagaram noted, it’s entirely possible to build positive and healthy relationships with both your parents and siblings.

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