Buzz
Like every other week, the news is once again shaped by humanity’s foolishness. Because, let's face it, humans are inherently silly, and as usual, the headlines reflect that. Here are 10 ridiculous things that humans have managed to do this week. Morris M is taking a break this week, so the tone might feel a bit different. Bear with it.
10. Seattle Increases Minimum Wage, Ends Up Making People Worse Off
Back in the golden era of 2016, before people thought Bernie Sanders was an eccentric, outdated socialist, progressive Americans thought raising the national minimum wage was not just doable, but beneficial. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work. Still, some cities pushed forward with their ambitious plans to make everyone wealthy simply by raising wages.
To the surprise of no one who understands basic economics, it turns out that when companies are forced to pay their employees $13 per hour, they will reduce their employees' hours to keep labor costs under control. As a result, the typical minimum wage earner is now $125 poorer per month, and 5,000 jobs were lost. Well done, Sanders.
9. Chicago's Pride Parade Takes an Anti-Semitic Turn
The concept of the progressive stack is an intriguing one. According to this idea, you cannot harbor prejudice toward groups that are considered higher on the social ladder than yourself. So, who sits atop the pyramid? The Jews! Well, technically, it's straight white men. But based on the events in Chicago this week, it seems that homosexual Jewish individuals are now fair game for discrimination too.
At a “Dyke March” in Chicago, some participants proudly waved rainbow pride flags adorned with the Star of David. It's a shocking image—75 years after an atrocious regime forcibly marked people with that same symbol before attempting to annihilate them. Yet now, people are once again boldly displaying it as a symbol of their faith. Except, of course, it’s also the emblem of Israel, and apparently, that makes it completely unacceptable.
This week, we discovered that it’s apparently acceptable to discriminate against Jewish people—because when progressives do it, it’s not considered anti-Semitism; it’s “anti-Zionism.” The Chicago Dyke March Collective is in full support of Palestinian liberation and the freedom of all oppressed people around the world.”
Good to know.
8. Donald Turns a Blind Eye to Iftar Dinner and Pushes Through Travel Ban
In the ongoing saga of President Shouty Cheeto versus the so-called Religion of Peace, President Tiny Hands has successfully pushed his travel ban through the Supreme Court, making it significantly more difficult for jihadists from six predominantly Muslim countries to enter the U.S. Critics argue that the ban will disproportionately affect religious and ethnic minorities already suffering from Islamic persecution.
Now that The Donald has fulfilled his obligations to the Saudi king by selling a massive amount of weapons, he can get back to his usual stance of not being particularly fond of Islam.
In a move that contrasts sharply with Justin Trudeau donning pride flag 'Eid Mubarak' socks while enthusiastically high-fiving a child dressed as Wonder Woman, Trump put an end to the 20-year tradition of hosting an iftar dinner at the White House. This could be seen as an insult to the Muslim-American community, though it's hard to ignore the fact that he had just imposed a travel ban on several Muslim-majority countries.
Which North American leader you deem to represent the epitome of all absurdity in the world is entirely up to you.
7. Villagers Discover That Smoking Can Be Deadly
Picture this: you're relaxing in your village in Pakistan when suddenly, the loudspeaker atop the local mosque blares an announcement that a fuel tanker has overturned on the nearby road. Being the resourceful types you and your friends are, you quickly hop on your mopeds and rush to the scene to see how you can help.
And when we say 'be of any assistance,' we mean, of course, that you should take as much fuel as possible before the authorities show up. The spill is massive, with over 100 people eagerly gathering up the precious gasoline. It's an extremely hot day, and all that hard work must really make you thirsty. So, why not enjoy a cigarette while you're at it?
The current death toll stands at 157, with many victims too severely burned by the massive fireball to be identified. Kids, take this as a reminder: don't smoke.
6. YouTube Celebrity Harasses Innocent Feminist by Sitting Silently and Listening to Her Speak
This past weekend, VidCon took place, a convention for creators of YouTube videos. Although it’s not quite as cool as attending a Babylon 5 convention (Go Team Mollari!), it gathered individuals with widely differing perspectives on the world.
At the convention, Anita Sarkeesian, a well-known feminist who has built a career on criticizing video games and claiming they’re racist, hosted a panel on online harassment. (Spoiler alert: she also describes herself as a 'professional victim' of harassment.) The usual feminist fare, really.
Carl Benjamin, a man who has built a YouTube career challenging the often strange and controversial ideas presented by feminism and progressivism, attended the panel to hear from someone he has frequently criticized in the past.
Normally, this wouldn't make headlines, except for the fact that, according to Sarkeesian, Benjamin allegedly harassed her and made her feel unsafe by simply attending her panel, sitting quietly, and listening to her views. As a result, she verbally attacked him from the stage and later criticized him in writing.
One would think that Sarkeesian would appreciate being heard. However, she apparently believed Benjamin's attendance was an act of intimidation, calling him a 'garbage human being' and a 'shithead.'
In summary, someone who believes in an invisible system of oppression—where they are always the victim and societal rape is just accepted—has no qualms about verbally abusing paying attendees at conventions where she’s compensated to speak. Because, in her view, harassment only matters when it happens to her. Feminism is all about equality, right?
In a shocking revelation this week, CNN was caught on camera admitting to pushing a fabricated narrative about 'Russia.' As the network scrambles to deny everything, it's safe to assume that all their actions in recent months are now under suspicion. When a major media outlet stirs up tensions between two nuclear-armed nations with a history of hostility, accountability is due.
The admission of guilt leaves CNN’s credibility in tatters. As the network's frantic hand-wringing continues, it’s clear that their behavior in the past months is now seen in a more dubious light. It’s one thing to stir tensions for ratings, but playing with fire between rival nuclear powers could have dire consequences.
Meanwhile, let’s enjoy the spectacle of liberals worldwide, once again proving Trump’s position by their own actions. Maybe one day they’ll grasp the concept of 'being hoist on one’s own petard.'
White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded, saying, 'If it’s true, it’s a disgrace to the entire media industry and journalism. If the media can’t be trusted to report the truth, that’s a dangerous road for America to travel down.'
In Video 1, a CNN producer openly admits that the Russian narrative is 'bullsh—t' and that it's being pushed because CNN is profiting massively from it. Meanwhile, in Video 2, the same producer states that American voters are 'stupid as sh—t.'
4. The Climate Is Probably Beyond Saving (Once Again)
In three years, we could all be burning up or facing some other catastrophic event. For decades, we've been warned that the doomsday clock was ticking down to two minutes to midnight, but now it seems that time is truly running out.
From a reality grounded in evidence, it’s hard to ignore what scientists have been telling us about the consequences of using a million plastic water bottles a day, which certainly has unintended side effects.
Can we truly justify pumping billions of tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, wiping out most edible fish species, and driving half the life on Earth to extinction in just four decades?
Yes, absolutely, we can. But, on a serious note, we should reconsider our lifestyle because things are looking grim. Even if this statement is merely a political jab at Das Gropenfuhrer withdrawing the US from the Paris Agreement (it is), it doesn’t change the grim message: we're all headed for doom.
3. The Child of a Megastar Signs a Book Deal—Cue the Schadenfreude
Being Brooklyn Beckham must be tough. With a mother who’s a semi-popstar and a father who’s a professional footballer, all he wants is recognition as a photographer. Purely by chance, he lands a book deal, and Christie's of London is now exhibiting his work—despite it being shot with $30,000 worth of camera gear, it looks worse than Polaroids from the 1980s.
The problem with indulging every whim of your child is that eventually they have to face the real world. Sometimes, this means crashing into a glass wall of critique with the writing skills of a six-year-old, the photographic talent of Helen Keller, and a new coffee table book that will probably be a bestseller on a planet where somehow, people actually care about the children of celebrities and where Gwyneth Paltrow exists.
Morris M. will be back next week.
2. The First Phase of the Global Internet Connection Has Begun
The headline isn’t that Airbus and its partners are working on connecting every school on Earth to the Internet, although that’s quite remarkable. Soon, no child will miss out on reading Mytour.
The real game-changer is that we are entering an era where spacefaring technology is being mass-produced by industries. In the past, creating such devices would cost billions and require thousands of hours to assemble. Now, we’re closer than ever to manufacturing space tech as simply as we produce the VW Beetle.
Undoubtedly, this marks the dawn of a bright new era of peace as humanity ventures into uncharted realms, discovers new life and civilizations, and boldly journeys where no one has gone before—only to later complain about the overrepresentation of women and minorities in space, blaming the social justice warriors for ruining everything.
1. Pandas May Be Useless, But We Should Protect Them Anyway, Claims Science
As it turns out, pandas aren’t as pointless as we once thought. If any other animal had been in their place, we might have turned it into a food source or greeted their extinction with indifference. But here we are.
Apparently, even the cold, calculating, and profit-focused communists in Beijing can't compete with a cuddly bear that has spawned spin-off movies about martial arts and weight issues.
Thanks to the global adoration of these pitiful creatures, who’ve done nothing for any of the Great Leaps Forward, vast stretches of Chinese wilderness are now preserved. The fortunate byproduct of this is that other, more worthwhile animals—those not a lazy disgrace to Mao Tse-tung—are now allowed to thrive.
This seems like good news, that is, until China steps in and justifiably arrests all pandas for being dissidents and lazy.
