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If Dorothy Parker had lived to be 123 years old, she would have undoubtedly shared sharp insights about life in 2016. Fortunately, her timeless quotes remain strikingly relevant to today’s world. Below, we’ve curated 25 of her most memorable sayings.
ABOUT OTHERS:
1. “The depth of their combined feelings wouldn’t even fill a teaspoon.”
2. “You can guide someone into horticulture, but you can’t force them to think.”
ON BEAUTY:
3. “While beauty is merely superficial, ugliness reaches deep into the soul.”
4. “Men rarely flirt with women who wear glasses.”
ON WRITING:
5. “For young friends dreaming of becoming writers, the second-best gift you can give them is a copy of The Elements of Style. The first? Shooting them now, while they’re still content.”
6. “I desire wealth and aspire to be a skilled writer. If these two can align, wonderful—but if not, I’ll settle for the money.”
7. “Writing is a torment, but the satisfaction of having written is pure joy.”
8. “The most enchanting phrase in English? 'Cheque enclosed.'”
(Interestingly, this quote linked to Parker is a rephrased version. In 1932, when the New York Herald Tribune inquired about her favorite beautiful words, she responded, “To me, 'cellar-door' is the most beautiful word in English. But I also adore 'cheque' and 'enclosed.'”)
9. “There’s a vast chasm between mere wise-cracking and true wit. Wit carries truth, while wise-cracking is just verbal gymnastics.”
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ON DRINKING:
10. “Another drink, and I’ll be lying beneath the host.”
11. “I prefer a bottle before me over a frontal lobotomy any day.”
12. When questioned about joining Alcoholics Anonymous: “Absolutely not. They expect me to quit immediately.”
ON MONEY:
13. “While money can’t purchase health, I’d gladly accept a wheelchair adorned with diamonds.”
14. “I may not know much about being a millionaire, but I’m certain I’d excel at it.”
15. When a producer’s payment offer for a script insulted her: “You can’t take it with you, and even if you could, it’d likely melt.”
ON LOVE:
16. “I demand three qualities in a man: he must be attractive, ruthless, and not too bright.”
17. “I’ve learned what I know, and I act as I do; if you disapprove, then to hell with you, my dear.”
18. “Better to be abandoned by twenty lovers / Than to lie in a bed devoid of love; / Better a tear-soaked loaf / Than bread that’s cold and flavorless.”
19. “Four things I’d have been better off without: love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.”
20. “I got what I deserved for placing all my hopes in one scoundrel.”
21. “When you swear you’re his, trembling and sighing, and he promises his love is eternal and unending—remember this: one of you is lying.”
ON CHILDREN:
22. “To keep children at home, make the atmosphere delightful—and deflate the tires.”
ON DEATH:
23. “Razors bring pain, rivers are wet, acids leave stains, and drugs induce cramps. Guns are illegal, nooses are unreliable, gas smells terrible. You might as well keep living.”
24. “It would be fitting to carve on my tombstone: Wherever she went, even here, it was against her better judgment.”
25. “Excuse my dust.” Parker proposed this as her epitaph—and it was engraved on her grave.
