Buzz
First dates are often less about creating instant chemistry and more about understanding the person you're with. Whether it's your very first date or you're navigating the early stages of a new relationship, these tips and tricks will help you move beyond small talk and encourage both of you to open up.
Unless you already know the person from another context, a first date is typically a casual meeting to ensure they're not a serial killer. As Harris O’Malley (also known as Dr. Nerdlove), the author of When It Clicks: The Guide to Mastering Online Dating, describes it: the 'pre-date date.' The goal is to confirm if the other person is genuine and to explore whether there might be a spark between you. However, discovering this is challenging if neither person is willing to open up and share a bit about themselves. To truly ignite a romantic connection, you need to drop your guard and dig deeper than surface-level conversations.
Keep It Brief and Engaging
Breaking the ice becomes much simpler when you realize you don’t need to extend the date for an entire day or evening. If this is your first in-person meeting, keeping the date brief and enjoyable is a smart move. According to Match.com’s dating blog, setting a time limit in advance can help both you and your date feel more at ease, knowing there’s no overwhelming time commitment. A flexible time frame also opens the door to additional benefits:
It allows you to conclude the date on a positive note, whenever that moment arises.
It provides an exit strategy if the date isn’t going as planned.
It can leave both of you eager for more.
A shorter date ensures the focus remains on breaking the ice from the start. Additionally, you don’t want the evening to lose its spark, so having an exit plan is wise. Remember, this is about planning for a quick date, not forcing it to end abruptly. If you’re both enjoying yourselves and want to extend the time, that’s fantastic! Spontaneity can add excitement to the experience.
Choose a Comfortable Location for Both of You
Breaking the ice is challenging if you or your date feel uncomfortable. The meeting spot, activities, attire, and behavior all play a role in how open and relaxed you both feel. As Susan Allin at Thought Catalog advises, it’s best to pick a location that’s nonthreatening, public, and budget-friendly:
Choose a quiet bar or a cozy, off-the-beaten-path coffee shop. Select a spot without loud music so you can easily hear each other, helping the 'getting to know you' part of the evening flow smoothly.
If you decide on a coffee shop, Nerdlove suggests picking a local café over a chain, as they often have a more laid-back vibe. It’s also better to meet there rather than sharing a ride. No one wants to disclose their address to someone they’ve just met or depend on them for transportation home.
If sitting and talking feels nerve-wracking, consider choosing a location with built-in activities. Options like mini-golf, a museum visit, or a trip to the zoo naturally include icebreakers that foster playful conversation. As Nerdlove explains, shared activities or games can activate the 'Reward Theory of Attraction,' meaning the more fun you have together, the more you’ll value the relationship.
Just ensure the activities you choose still allow for conversation and connection. While seeing a show or watching a movie might be great for future dates, they don’t provide much chance to learn about the other person. When unsure, Tara Fuller at Greatist suggests combining the best of both worlds with a coffee walk:
Sitting in a coffee shop can feel a bit dull, but grabbing a coffee and strolling through the neighborhood can make the experience far more enjoyable.
Stroll through a nearby park, explore the shops along the street, or, if your date is willing, simply wander around the neighborhood. Walking can ease conversation, especially when you have interesting surroundings to spark discussions.
If you’re aiming to add a romantic touch to the first date, that’s your choice, but ensure your date is comfortable with it. Avoid making them uneasy by overdressing or overdoing the romance when they might prefer a casual coffee chat. It’s fine to look presentable, but don’t overdo it. Additionally, while offering to pay is polite, don’t insist. Many people prefer 'going Dutch' and covering their own expenses on a first date. Insisting on paying can create a sense of obligation and discomfort.
Request a Small Favor
Breaking past small talk can sometimes be as easy as demonstrating teamwork. To truly get to know someone, they need to feel invested. When you show trust in them, they’re more likely to trust you in return. As Jeremy Nicholson M.S.W., Ph.D., at Psychology Today, explains, you can foster a sense of partnership by asking for a minor favor:
Ask them to do a small task for you. It could be as simple as, 'Could you grab me a straw?' or 'Could you watch my things for a moment while I grab a coffee?' Essentially, any small request will work.
This phenomenon is called the 'Benjamin Franklin Effect,' and it’s a simple yet effective way to break the ice. Once they’ve done you a small favor, they’ll feel more at ease and more inclined to open up. Another approach, as Amy Shern from Oprah describes it, is to assign them a 'minimission.' Lightheartedly ask for their assistance with a small task to create a sense of shared purpose. For example, ask for their opinion on choosing a drink or request their help in finishing a dessert.
Take the Lead by Sharing Something Personal
It might feel intimidating, but being the first to share can break the ice and encourage the other person to open up as well. Once the initial introductions and small talk are out of the way, take the plunge. Share an amusing anecdote or discuss a topic you’re passionate about. If you’re unsure where to start, Rori Raye, author of Have the Relationship You Want, recommends handing the reins to them:
A great way to show your openness and gauge their interests is to ask, 'Is there anything you’d like to know about me?' This approach provides insight into their personality and lets them steer the conversation, making them feel you’re approachable. They’ll likely reciprocate by asking you questions, keeping the dialogue flowing. Your willingness to share also conveys spontaneity and confidence, which are highly attractive qualities.
By sharing first, you not only set the tone but also make them feel comfortable by giving them control. However, while sharing, it’s wise to save deeper or heavier topics for later. Everyone has their past, but a first date isn’t the ideal time to unpack it all.
Focus on Asking the Right Questions
Questions are essential for breaking the ice and truly getting to know someone. They can transform your perception of the other person from 'they seem interesting' to 'wow, I really like them.' However, not all questions are created equal. The best ones are engaging, thought-provoking, and avoid being overly personal. That said, don’t shy away from exploring riskier or deeper topics once the conversation flows.
For instance, avoid intrusive questions like 'How much do you earn?' or 'Why are you still single?' These can come across as judgmental and invasive. However, once you’ve both relaxed, discussing topics like religion, politics, or other controversial subjects can be stimulating. These conversations can reveal their values early on, helping you decide if they’re worth your time. Even if you disagree, it makes the date more engaging and memorable. Keep an open mind and treat it as a discussion, not a debate.
If you met them through an online dating platform, you likely already know some basics about them. This is probably why you agreed to meet in the first place. Carmelia Ray, founder of the love advice site Your Tango, recommends leveraging this knowledge:
If you have a lot of information about the person, mention what specifically intrigued you about them. Compliments can also go a long way in breaking the ice!
Dive deeper into what you already know about them. If unsure, start with a compliment and pair it with a related question. While basic questions like 'How was your day?' are harmless, they won’t help you truly understand who they are.
Having a few thoughtful questions prepared can help you avoid awkward pauses and keep the conversation flowing. Remember, a good conversation is a mutual exchange. As Dr. Nerdlove advises, don’t treat the first date like an audition:
While getting to know each other is important, the primary goal is to have fun. Aim to leave a lasting impression by creating a memorable experience, possibly bonding over shared moments. A coffee date can quickly feel like a job interview, especially for those less socially confident, leading to mounting tension and awkwardness. Dating is about finding a partner in crime, not a Quality Assurance specialist filing TPS reports by Friday.
When they’re speaking, focus entirely on them and their responses, not just your next question. Show genuine curiosity and explore the stories behind the details they share. Their answers should naturally guide the conversation, so don’t hesitate to delve deeper.
Additionally, let them get to know the real you! Be enthusiastic when answering their questions, and avoid responding with a quick 'What about you?' Treat their questions like open-ended prompts rather than simple queries. For example, if they ask about your siblings, don’t just list names—share a funny anecdote or describe your relationship with them. The more you open up, the more likely they are to do the same.
Illustration by Sam Woolley.
