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Contrary to the outdated belief that expressing emotions is a sign of weakness, truly experiencing our feelings is an incredibly challenging task. This difficulty often leads us to adopt avoidance strategies—such as overindulging in alcohol, overeating, gambling, or overworking—to escape them. However, mastering the art of feeling our emotions, rather than suppressing or overanalyzing them, is vital for personal growth and achieving our most meaningful goals.
Why is it so hard for us, as emotionally complex beings, to fully experience our feelings? Dr. Victoria Lemle Beckner, a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of California San Francisco, explains in Psychology Today that emotions evolved to prompt quick actions, not to be deeply felt. Historically, feelings were meant to trigger immediate, survival-oriented responses to our surroundings. (There’s danger! I need to escape!) They weren’t designed to encourage us to pause and process them.
However, Beckner emphasizes that avoiding or trying to suppress our emotions only leaves the underlying issues unaddressed. She advocates for learning to “skillfully feel” because our emotions highlight what truly matters to us. Sadness might indicate a need for deeper connections, while anger could signal a response to unfair treatment or injustice. By sitting with these uncomfortable emotions, we gain insights into our strengths, avoid impulsive actions, and make decisions aligned with our core values.
If you’ve ever dabbled in self-improvement, you’ve likely come across ambiguous advice like 'sit with' or 'hold space' for your emotions—but what does that really entail? How can we truly and fully experience our feelings?
In a TikTok video that has amassed nearly a million views, Jeff Guenther, the creator of Therapy Den, breaks down the process into simple, actionable steps. Below, discover the six-step method to 'feel the emotion and allow it to move through your body.' As Guenther warns, 'failing to do so could lead to chaos.'
Step one: Recognize the emotion
Guenther explains that the initial step is to pinpoint the emotion overwhelming you. For instance, if you’re enjoying time with a new partner and suddenly feel anxious—what exactly is that? Label it clearly, as if you were narrating a story. 'I’m experiencing fear and worry.'
Step two: Avoid overthinking it
Wait, really? Isn’t it necessary to analyze the feeling intellectually to understand why it’s dominating our thoughts and physical state? Actually, no. In fact, it’s the opposite. 'Don’t overanalyze it. Don’t start crafting narratives,' Guenther advises. During this step, you consciously avoid building stories around your emotions, such as 'I’m unworthy of this love' or 'I’ll probably mess this up again.' These thoughts only fuel more fear. 'When you do this, you’re overthinking your emotions. And the more you dwell on them, the stronger they become.'
Step three: Locate where the emotion manifests in your body
Close your eyes. Take a deep breath and focus: Where do you feel this emotion physically? Is it in your chest, stomach, or throat? Immerse yourself in it. Keep observing it. Remember: The goal isn’t to create stories or intellectualize the feeling. Simply experience it. If your mind needs activity, objectively describe the physical sensations. 'My chest feels constricted. My toes are tingling. My breathing is shallow.'
Step four: Breathe into it and let it be
Here, Guenther suggests, 'Breathe into the sensation, send it energy. It could be healing energy, positive energy—it doesn’t matter. Just concentrate on the physical feeling.' Since I’m unsure how to send energy to an emotion, I interpret this step as taking deep breaths while affirming, 'I recognize this fear. I acknowledge this anger.'
Alternatively, as depicted in a visual guide by writer/illustrator Emily McDowell (which inspired Guenther’s video), the advice is: 'Cry, shake, or similar—unless you’re, say, in Target.' (Personally, I’d include throwing things, screaming, and punching a pillow. Essentially, whatever helps your body release the emotion.)
Step five: Observe how the emotion travels through your body
As you focus solely on the sensation, notice: Is it shifting within your body? Has it moved from your chest to your jaw? Is it fading or intensifying? Instead of slipping back into overthinking, keep your attention on the physical experience. Watch its progression. 'The more you observe it, the more you feel it without analyzing it, the quicker it will begin to fade,' Guenther explains.
Step six: Believe it will pass (and return to the present)
Are you still breathing? Continue taking slow, deep breaths. As McDowell puts it, 'Allow the emotion to exist and trust that it will pass.' Once the feeling becomes more manageable (less intense), deliberately bring your focus back to the present moment. Shift your attention to what you were doing before the emotion surfaced, and 'acknowledge that you’ve made it through.'
Continue practicing this method repeatedly until it becomes an effortless, instinctive habit.
