Understanding How Reverse Psychology Functions

Chances are, you've used reverse psychology countless times without even realizing it. The concept is quite simple: when you want someone to do something, but you know they won’t if you ask directly, you try to trick them by suggesting the opposite. For instance: you want your husband to paint your bedroom, but he's not taking the bait. So, you say, "Forget it, I’ll handle the painting — I’m way better at it anyway." And before you know it, he’s holding the paintbrush.

Reverse psychology is often linked to children. A parent might tell their teen with purple hair that the color really suits them, hoping they’ll go back to their original color. However, people of all ages can be influenced by reverse psychology's effects.

Reverse psychology is effective because humans have an innate desire for autonomy, explains Dr. Jeanette Raymond, a licensed psychologist, therapist, and relationship expert from Los Angeles. 'It's more empowering to believe that you acted on your own accord, rather than because you were coerced, threatened, shamed, or feared losing a relationship,' Raymond states.

In therapy, reverse psychology is better described as a paradoxical intervention, a term Raymond notes was invented by the media. In this technique, a therapist instructs a client to engage in the very behavior they're trying to overcome. For instance, if a person struggles with procrastination, their therapist may suggest procrastinating for one hour each day. The goal is to help the client recognize the behavior and its causes, and understand that it's something they have control over.

There are ethical concerns surrounding the use of paradoxical interventions by professionals. If a client's issue involves a deep-seated fear or pain, it may not be appropriate to encourage them to confront it intentionally, as it could exacerbate their distress [source: Howes].

Who Is Affected by Reverse Psychology?

Reverse psychology, or the paradoxical intervention, is a fairly new concept in psychotherapy, according to Raymond. However, it could also be considered a form of cultural folklore. For instance, throughout history, parents have been advised against warning their child not to marry a certain person, as it might prompt them to marry that person out of defiance. But does reverse psychology work universally, in all situations?

Experts suggest that reverse psychology is particularly effective with individuals who prefer to be in control, such as Type A personalities, rebels, and narcissistic individuals. (More agreeable or passive people generally comply with requests, making reverse psychology unnecessary for them.) Additionally, it tends to work better with those who make decisions based on emotions rather than after calmly analyzing the situation [source: Straker].

Raymond, however, argues that the effectiveness of reverse psychology is more about the dynamics of the relationship than the personality type. 'When a person is grappling with autonomy and individuality, paradoxical interventions may succeed because they feel they are still resisting by doing what you’ve asked them not to,' she says.

She cites Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, as an example. 'The more he was told to stop and faced severe threats from powerful nations like the U.S., the more he resisted and became a martyr for the cause,' she explains. 'Had the U.S. praised his actions and encouraged him to continue (using paradox), he likely wouldn't have been so determined to persist.'

Fortunately, most of us aren’t concerned with using reverse psychology to prevent the release of sensitive government information. Instead, it is typically employed for more trivial matters, like dealing with children, romantic partners, or in business environments.

Using Reverse Psychology With Children

Parents of young children have probably applied reverse psychology at some point. After all, kids often seem to do the opposite of what their parents ask. (At least some of the time!) Like many people, they don't like being told what they should or shouldn't do.

In one experiment, 2-year-olds were told not to play with a particular toy. Suddenly, they were eager to play with it. In another study, older children were told they could choose a poster from a selection of five. Shortly after, they were informed that one poster was no longer available. Naturally, they became much more interested in the missing poster. Some studies even show that certain warning labels can make products more attractive to kids, such as those seen on violent TV shows [source: PsyBlog].

So, what’s the takeaway? Parents can use reverse psychology to counteract some of their children’s natural inclinations. But it must be used carefully and sparingly, experts advise. If overused, it becomes obvious and ineffective. Kids may begin to view you as manipulative, which is not the desired outcome.

Secondly, avoid using "negative" reverse psychology, as it can harm a child's self-esteem. For instance, don't tell your son that you'll put his bike away because he likely won't be able to fit it into the garage without scratching the cars. Instead, focus on positive or harmless tactics. If your young daughter refuses to eat dinner, you could calmly tell her that’s fine, but since dinner time is over, it’s now time for bed.

When dealing with teens, sometimes it works to argue against yourself — a form of reverse-reverse psychology. For instance, if your 16-year-old wants to attend a risky event, tell her that you can't stop her, even though you have concerns about the dangers. Let her make the final decision, which may lead her to take your advice in the end [source: Online Parenting Coach].

"Paradox doesn't mean granting the child permission to do what they want instead of what the parent wants," Raymond explains. "It’s about encouraging the child to choose the wrong option, making it undesirable in the process."

Some psychologists argue against using reverse psychology at all. Dr. Vicki Panaccione, a child clinical psychologist, writes on her website that rewarding a child for going against your wishes — such as telling your son not to cut his long hair, only to praise him when he does — teaches them not to listen to you. It also sends the message that your words aren't sincere.

Using Reverse Psychology in Love and Business

In some relationships, people often avoid being upfront about their true thoughts or feelings, especially when it comes to sensitive subjects. If you suspect this is happening in your relationship, particularly when the evasion concerns something significant, you might consider using reverse psychology. For instance, if your boyfriend says he wants a break because he feels you're being too clingy, you could cheerfully agree, saying that you were just starting to feel like you were relying on him too much. Then, stop contacting him altogether, which might make him reconsider and ask to resume the relationship.

Suppose you and your wife have been discussing having children, and you're fairly certain she wants to start a family soon, but she suggests waiting a little longer. You might respond with, 'Alright, let's wait two more years.' This could prompt her to suddenly change her mind and decide she wants to have children sooner than anticipated.

When it comes to business, experts recommend reverse psychology as a useful tactic, particularly for those in sales. However, it's important to note that this approach shouldn't be used to push customers into buying products they don't need. Instead, it can be effective in encouraging customers who are already interested in your product to make a purchase [source: Loewen].

One common way to use reverse psychology in sales is called 'disqualifying the client.' In this approach, you tell the customer that they can't afford a particular product or that it's not suitable for them, in hopes that this will only increase their desire to buy it.

Imagine you're assisting a couple in selecting a new car. You show them all the options in the showroom, except for two luxury vehicles tucked away in a corner. When they ask why those two cars aren't being shown, you explain that they are too expensive — subtly implying that the couple may not be able to afford them. This often triggers a desire to prove they can, and they may end up purchasing one of the luxury vehicles just to show they can afford it [source: Michalowicz].

A frequently used reverse psychology technique in sales involves asking customers to rate a product after giving them a pitch. Suppose the customer gives a score of 7 because they like it somewhat. You react with surprise, stating that based on their response, you expected a much lower rating, perhaps a 3 or 4. This often leads the customer to explain why they gave the product a 7, effectively listing its positive aspects. In doing so, they are convincing themselves of its value [source: Michalowicz].