Understanding Men's Reluctance to Seek Therapy and Why It's a Mistake

Men experience depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts, yet they are significantly less likely than women to seek therapy. While women are more inclined to consult a therapist, men often minimize their mental health struggles and go to great lengths to avoid addressing their psychological needs, which can disrupt their lives and those of their loved ones.

This reluctance to seek therapy is so widespread that the meme 'men would rather do X than go to therapy' has gained popularity on Twitter. Examples include, 'Men will literally learn everything about ancient Rome rather than attend therapy,' or 'Men will spend six hours teaching you how to open a can of beans,' or even 'Men will start a new relationship rather than seek therapy.'

The societal expectation that men must remain strong in the face of mental distress is deeply ingrained, leading to higher rates of substance abuse, homicide, suicide, and a shorter life expectancy compared to women in the United States and globally. 'Society encourages men to have all the answers and to figure things out on their own,' says Justin Lioi, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Brooklyn, New York. 'There are few spaces where men are allowed to embrace uncertainty and feel comfortable with helplessness.'

Many men's hesitations about therapy stem from outdated ideas of masculinity. Traditional beliefs paint men as pillars of emotional strength, expected to provide for and protect their families. This mindset persists, influencing why many men today avoid discussing their struggles.

However, as numerous men have shared, avoiding therapy is far more harmful than opening up to a therapist. There are numerous strategies men can use to dismantle the stigma around therapy, allowing them to confront their inner struggles and work toward personal growth and happiness.

Avoiding therapy has greater consequences

Brenton Chapman, a marketing manager based in New York, describes how a cascade of issues—ranging from his previous marriage and work-related stress to unresolved trauma—landed him in the hospital during the summer of 2018. While the experience was distressing, it became a turning point, leading him to pursue therapy, which he credits as life-changing.

Chapman attributes his hospitalization to his long-standing resistance to therapy. In a direct message to Mytour, he wrote:

Since my teenage years, I've lived with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I never sought help or received a diagnosis. I was brought up with the belief that I should handle my own issues and fix myself independently. I doubted therapy's effectiveness and viewed seeking it as a sign of weakness.

Matthew Weatherly-White, a former finance professional, also held a negative view of psychological treatment. His life was eventually overwhelmed by emotional pain, which affected both his personal and professional relationships. 'I destroyed a marriage, a business partnership, and my role as a co-founder in a multi-billion-dollar asset management firm,' he admits, 'all because I believed therapy was for those lacking strength and resolve.'

Men who neglect their mental health often find their relationships—both romantic and platonic—deteriorating. 'Most of my referrals come from women in a man's life—sometimes they even make the initial call,' says Lioi, the therapist. 'When men consistently offload their emotional burdens onto others, it can lead to codependency.'

According to Lioi, many men only agree to therapy as a last-ditch effort when their key relationships are at risk of falling apart. 'Often, it takes the threat of losing a relationship—a partner threatening to leave or a boss warning about anger issues—to get them into the office.'

Men's hesitant acceptance of therapy isn't entirely unexpected, especially considering the American Psychological Association released its first guidelines for men and boys in 2019. Boys are taught stoicism from a young age, leaving them ill-equipped to articulate and manage the complexity of their emotions. As the APA noted in 2005 regarding young boys:

From a young age, boys are taught to suppress emotional reactions—such as crying or showing sadness on their faces—to the point that, as adults, they often struggle to recognize and articulate their feelings.

In the absence of a safe space for emotional honesty, men frequently lack avenues for self-expression. Worse, they may feel paralyzed by the stigma of weakness tied to being open about their struggles.

Fortunately, enduring such suffering isn't inevitable. While breaking free from generations of societal conditioning about emotional vulnerability is challenging, there are ways men can reframe therapy to make it feel less intimidating.

Men's perspectives on therapy

'Therapy for men should never be framed as being broken and needing repair,' says Edward Clowes, a journalist from London, England. Like many men, Clowes initially held common reservations about therapy, focusing more on the perceived stigma of discussing his emotions than the potential harm of avoiding them.

He shares with Mytour:

I wasn’t aware of anyone my age who had tried therapy, and due to the societal stigma surrounding men in therapy, I was concerned about being perceived as flawed or less masculine.

However, Clowes found the experience deeply impactful and immediately meaningful. 'It just made sense right away,' he recalls. 'My therapist was amazing and exactly what I needed at that time. Any worries about appearing weak or broken vanished within the first session.'

Now attending weekly counseling sessions, Clowes suggests a metaphor that could help other men overcome the negative stereotypes keeping them from seeking help.

'Men should approach therapy as they would any other form of self-improvement. Think of it as a workout for your mental health, rather than your physical health.'

To make the first therapy session less daunting, starting with telehealth appointments can be a great option. This approach, which has become standard for many therapists during the pandemic, offers a more comfortable entry point. 'Online counseling has been a game-changer for those who find in-person sessions too intimidating,' says Lioi. 'Being in your own space creates a sense of distance, often leading to greater honesty and openness.'

Another effective way to combat societal stigma is by listening to men who have benefited from therapy. Danny, a PR expert, shares that his therapist 'guides me in ways I didn’t realize I needed.' After a year of consistent counseling, he reflects, 'I wouldn’t be the person I am today in 2021 without the work I put into myself in 2020, ensuring I stayed grounded and continued to grow.'

Therapy isn’t always an instant fix; it can take time to find the right therapist whose approach aligns with your goals. Additionally, the cost of therapy in the United States can be a barrier, so it’s essential to research different therapy styles and confirm whether your chosen therapist accepts insurance or offers flexible payment plans.

However, once you find the right fit, the benefits to your mental health can be transformative. Clowes, who feels 'light as a feather' after his sessions, is already encouraging other men in his life to consider therapy.

'I’m just beginning my own counseling journey, but I’m thrilled to see a friend of mine start therapy for the first time,' he says. 'I hope I’ve made the idea a little less intimidating and a bit more normalized for him.'

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