Buzz
The phrase 'I'm doing this for your own good' is something rebellious children are all too familiar with. It’s often used by parents to justify punishment, as though the child will eventually be grateful for the lesson of having their Xbox taken away for a week. But when it comes to adult relationships, this phrase is more often wielded to absolve someone of wrongdoing in an argument, conveniently justifying hurtful actions or neglect. It implies that anything a person does or says is excusable because it is supposedly for the other person’s benefit, when in reality, it might cause more harm than good.
Here’s why saying 'it’s for your own good' rarely ends up benefiting anyone, and how to handle it when someone says it to you.
It’s often 'more subtle than direct'.
Covert abuse is inherently psychological and often manifests in subtle ways that don’t appear abusive at first glance. This could include tactics like gaslighting or giving someone the silent treatment. When someone justifies a punishment as being for your 'own good'—claiming it’s for your benefit—it’s another form of manipulation. In reality, it’s a tactic to excuse actions like ostracism or humiliation, often used to control another person. As Dr. Heather Stevenson, a psychologist based in New York, tells Mytour, this is something to be concerned about, particularly if it becomes a recurring pattern in your relationship.
Efforts to control or influence someone's actions, often cloaked in the justification of 'it’s for your own good' or 'I’m just looking out for you,' are serious red flags that should never be overlooked.
These controlling behaviors can sometimes be unconscious, and the person asserting that they’re acting in your best interest might not realize they’re being patronizing or even abusive. Generally, those who engage in such behavior often struggle with psychological issues, such as insecurity or depression, which means they may be unintentionally hurting you.
Additionally, if someone close to you, be it a significant other or a friend, starts placing the responsibility for their emotional wellbeing on you, it’s another sign of abusive behavior, according to Stevenson.
Similarly, if a significant other or family member pressures you into doing something by saying 'if you don’t do
X,
it will hurt me,' this is a subtle form of manipulation that can point to an abusive dynamic.
What should you say if you find yourself in such a situation?
Firstly, if you're in a position where you can safely question the logic behind what’s being done to you for your supposed ‘good,’ simply ask the person involved to explain how this is supposed to benefit you. For instance, if someone is ignoring you and claiming it will help you somehow, it might be useful to ask them how that could be. If they’re open to being challenged, and if you can point out flaws in their reasoning, it could lead to better communication, even when they’re upset with you.
It's crucial to remember that you are your best advocate, and you understand what's best for you more clearly than anyone else. While your partner can suggest what they think is best for you, they don't hold the ultimate authority over your life. They can explain their reasoning, especially if they believe it’s ‘for your own good,’ but you're completely entitled to disagree with them.
Above all, trust your gut, and seek help or a fresh perspective if the situation isn’t improving, as Stevenson advises.
If you’re dealing with this type of situation in a relationship, pay attention to your instinctive reactions, especially if a request or demand feels off to you. Don’t ignore it. Reach out for outside input, particularly from a qualified therapist or professional, who can help you recognize these behavior patterns and maintain your boundaries and sense of self.
Above all, if the dynamic in your relationship continues to spiral in this direction, it may be time to consider seeking couples counseling together or even walking away from the relationship altogether.
