Buzz
Canceling plans often happens at the most inconvenient times. Nycretoucher/Getty ImagesKey Insights
- Individuals with specific personality traits, like low agreeableness and conscientiousness, are more prone to canceling plans, indicating a disregard for others' emotions and a habit of overcommitting.
- Flaking is influenced by human nature and the difficulty of affective forecasting, where people overestimate their future emotional states and dedication, causing a gap between their initial plans and actual actions.
- When the day arrives, immediate emotions and practical concerns take precedence over prior commitments, increasing the chances of not following through.
The messages always begin with something along the lines of, "Hey, I’m really sorry, but..." An unexpected issue has arisen — perhaps a severe migraine or a pet cat experiencing an allergic reaction. The person I had plans with won’t be able to make it. By this point, I’m usually ready to go, about to leave the house. Sometimes, I’m already on my way, or the event has already started. Most of the time, I let it slide. After all, I’ve had to cancel plans myself on occasion.
However, over the past year or so, my friends and I have noticed a growing trend of people "flaking" more frequently. When someone flakes — committing to plans and then either canceling last-minute or not showing up at all — it leaves us wondering. Why is this happening? Is it something about us, or them? Or is there a larger societal shift at play?
Psychological research might offer some insights into this behavior.
A Few Flakes and Feeling Flaky
Consider that one friend in your group who’s notorious for flaking, the one everyone knows not to rely on to kick off the event. They’ve earned a reputation for being unreliable. According to Richard Koestner, a psychology professor at McGill University in Montreal, Quebec, who specializes in personality and motivation, this tendency might be more prevalent among certain personality types.
"It indicates a degree of self-centeredness and a disregard for others' emotions. It reflects lower levels of agreeableness," he explains.
Agreeableness is a personality trait linked to being collaborative and selfless. Another key trait, Koestner mentions, is what psychologists refer to as conscientiousness. The American Psychological Association describes it as "the inclination to be orderly, dependable, and diligent." Individuals scoring low in conscientiousness are more prone to disorganization, overcommitting, and failing to follow through — in short, they’re more likely to flake.
There’s also the human element to consider. You’ve likely experienced committing to something in the future, only to feel unmotivated when the time arrives — whether it’s starting a diet, attending a new spin class, or sticking to New Year’s resolutions. While the idea of being healthy and fit sounds great in theory, when it comes time to put in the effort, other priorities, fatigue, or stress often take precedence.
The ability to anticipate your emotional response to future events is known as "affective forecasting." Studies reveal that people often overestimate the positive aspects of future plans.
"The abstract goal is to strengthen my relationships with friends — whether it’s driving them to the airport or helping them move. Yes, I want to be the kind of person who supports my friends!" says Tabitha Kirkland, a lecturer at the University of Washington. "But when the day arrives, you’re not thinking about the big picture; you’re focused on the logistical details of getting there."
A New Culture of Flaking
It’s not just in your head — flaking has become more prevalent over the past decade. Studies suggest that the digital age has made it easier to cancel plans. Kurt Gray, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, has been exploring, as he describes it, "whether technology turns people into jerks."
"Distance can make it easier to let people down," Gray explains. "Since technology creates a barrier between you and others, you could say technology is essentially distance."
In simpler terms, sending a text to cancel plans feels less daunting than making a phone call. It’s even more effortless to click the vague "Interested" button on a Facebook event and then bail at the last moment. Being flaked on in this manner can feel impersonal, as if the other person disregards your thoughts or emotions.
Fighting Flaking
The next time someone cancels plans via text, Gray recommends calling them to understand the situation. In 2017, researchers discovered that speaking directly, rather than texting, significantly influences how we perceive others and helps us remember their humanity. Strengthening that connection through a quick phone call can greatly help in maintaining a friendship.
Koestner advises giving people the benefit of the doubt the first time they flake. If it happens repeatedly, it might be worth expressing how their actions affected you.
"That approach might not always work, but it’s helpful to realize that the relationship might not be worth pursuing," Koestner explains. "And if it’s a dating scenario, it’s best to move on and focus on someone who genuinely values showing up."
If you’re the one who tends to flake, University of Washington’s Kirkland suggests revisiting your initial motivations. Reflecting on why you made the commitment in the first place — and the goals you have for yourself — can help you stay motivated and avoid canceling when you’re feeling uncertain.
While flaking isn’t a new phenomenon, the terminology has evolved. Richard Koestner from McGill University notes that in the 1960s in New York City, people who didn’t show up for plans were called "flatleavers," implying they left you stranded like a flat tire with no way to move forward.
