Buzz
The gender pay gap is undeniable. It's evident—the difference in pay between men and women, with a noticeable gap in between. The gap remains regardless of whether you acknowledge it or not. Those who deny the gap don't question its existence; they downplay its importance. They claim women stay at home with children, so the numbers make sense. They also argue that women don't negotiate, which, naturally, leads to a disparity.
What some see as an explanation, the rest of us view as the issue. It's true that women may negotiate less, but it's also true that when we do negotiate, we face a social penalty. A study from Harvard discovered that women are often seen as more demanding and less likable than men when they ask for more.
This is why, as a general practice, I try to make myself ask for more.
As someone who dreads confrontation, there are few things I fear more than negotiating. I wasn't raised to be a bargainer. My mother, a hardworking, unentitled immigrant who many romanticize, always taught me to keep my head down, avoid asking for more, and be thankful for what I have. It took both of us time to realize that you can be grateful for what you have and still strive for more. (In fact, gratitude is the best foundation for aiming higher, because even if you don't get everything you want, you remain content with what you have.)
For years, both my mom and I accepted the role of being polite, soft-spoken workers who never made a fuss. (At one point, my female boss even pulled me aside to encourage me to stand up for myself more.) Like many women, we were shaped by the belief that “certain aspects of negotiating are—under specific conditions—at odds with the female gender role,” as a 2015 study stated. Then, I had a realization: by conforming to the role expected of me, I was inadvertently reinforcing it.
In response, I decided to make a rule: always ask for more money. Whenever I took on a new freelance project, I pushed myself to request extra. When working with an established client, I forced myself to raise my rates every year or so. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable. Once, a new client offered a fair rate, and I asked for just a little more. There was a tense silence for about five seconds before she reluctantly agreed, saying, “Yes, that’s fine.” The atmosphere was much colder afterward.
Occasionally, I face rejection. A client I really wanted to work with told me, “Unfortunately, that’s outside our budget right now, but we might revisit it later.” We never did. Half of my goal is about increasing my income, but the other half is about getting more comfortable with speaking up. Speaking up challenges my earning potential, perhaps narrowing my own pay gap just a little. Even if I’m turned down, it sends a message to my professional world: women can ask for more.
Perhaps I'm seen differently, for better or worse, but my goal is to contribute to a work environment where it's more common for a woman to confidently ask, “Would you consider this rate to reflect my professional worth?”
In the end, it all comes down to value. Money is just money, but it carries meaning. It symbolizes our work, abilities, and experience. So, when we try to explain away the wage gap, we’re essentially agreeing that a woman’s professional worth is lesser than a man’s because [insert ridiculous reason here]. It’s not something every woman can do, and some experts caution against the blanket advice that women should always negotiate. For some, the social risks are too great.
While there are undoubtedly broader solutions to these deep-rooted issues, and we can’t be solely responsible for fixing them, perhaps there’s a way to tackle these problems on a smaller scale. For women, negotiating isn’t just about securing a higher salary; it’s also about redefining the roles we’re expected to play.
Studies, like the 2005 one, show that women tend to negotiate more effectively when they believe they are advocating for others, not just themselves. In other words, women find it easier to negotiate when we perceive that it will benefit others as well. So, if you’re nervous about negotiating, try this “hack”—make it easier on yourself by focusing on how your negotiation will help others.
