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If there’s one thing William Shakespeare excelled at, it was crafting risqué humor. Or inventing words and expressions. Or employing language so creatively that we’re still deciphering his intentions.
Or, as shown below, it might have been his insults. Here’s a look at 10 of the Bard’s most cutting remarks, from a harsh parental rebuke in King Lear to a legendary “your mom” jab in Titus Andronicus.
1. “You are a boil, a plague-sore, or a swollen carbuncle in my tainted blood.”
From: King Lear (Act 2, Scene 4)
King Lear: I beg you, daughter, do not drive me to madness.I will no longer burden you, my child. Farewell.We shall not meet again, nor see each other anymore.Yet you remain my flesh, my blood, my daughter,Or rather, a sickness within my flesh,Which I must acknowledge as my own. You are a boil,A plague-sore or a swollen carbuncleIn my tainted blood. But I will not scold you.Let shame arrive when it may; I do not summon it.
King Lear is meant to divide his remaining days between the homes of his two eldest daughters, Goneril and Regan—but Lear’s 100 knights prove to be terrible guests, and Goneril insists he dismiss half of them. Furious, he rushes to Regan to argue his case, leading to a heated confrontation where the sisters stand united against their father.
Lear enumerates absurd alternatives to living with Goneril and only 50 knights (like becoming a stablehand’s packhorse), and when Goneril essentially replies, “Go ahead,” Lear erupts with the emotional tirade above. “Forget it. Goodbye forever, Goneril,” he declares. “You’ll always be my flesh and blood, which means you’re a swollen, infected sore.” (His effort to guilt her into relenting fails, as Regan informs him he can only bring 25 knights when he suggests staying with her instead.)
2. “ ... you are as deceitful as hell.”
From: Othello (Act 4, Scene 2)
Othello: What exactly are you?Desdemona: Your wife, my lord, your faithful and devoted wife.Othello: Swear it. Condemn yourself,Lest, appearing angelic, even the devilsFear to take you. Thus, be doubly damned.Swear you are honest.Desdemona: Heaven truly knows I am.Othello: Heaven knows only that you are as false as hell.Desdemona: To whom, my lord? With whom? How am I false?Othello: Ah, Desdemona, go, go, go!
Othello confronts Desdemona, his wife, after being persuaded she’s unfaithful with Cassio, his trusted lieutenant. When she asserts that heaven knows her innocence, Othello counters with, “The only thing heaven knows is your hellish deceit.” Desdemona was never unfaithful, making the insult especially brutal—but if you ever have undeniable evidence of someone’s betrayal, “Thou art false as hell!” carries more weight than a simple “You’re a liar!”
3. “ … you scrawny wretch, you tiny elfskin, you shriveled ox tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you dried cod!”
From: Henry IV, Part 1 (Act 2, Scene 4)
Prince Hal: I’ll no longer partake in this folly. This ruddycoward, this bed-crusher, this horse-ruiner,this massive mound of flesh—Falstaff: By God’s blood, you emaciated wretch, you elfskin, you dried ox tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you dried cod!Oh, if only I had breath to describe what you resemble! You tailor’srod, you scabbard, you bow case, you wretched,upright dagger—Prince Hal: Well, catch your breath, then continue, andwhen you’ve exhausted yourself with these lowly insults,listen to what I have to say.
Just before this fiery exchange, Prince Hal and his friend Poins expose Sir John Falstaff for embellishing his role in a robbery (unaware that Hal and Poins had secretly taken part). Hal, fed up with Falstaff’s boasting, mocks his enormous size, prompting Falstaff to retaliate with a flurry of insults targeting Hal’s thin frame.
He begins with a mild jab—starveling simply means “someone who’s starving”—but ends the sentence with a series of dried animal references. A neat refers to a cow or ox; a stockfish is any dried fish from the Gadidae family (including cod and haddock); and a bull’s pizzle is a dried bull’s penis, historically used as a whip. Elfskin, however, remains enigmatic. It’s not found elsewhere in historical texts, and some scholars believe Shakespeare intended to write eel-skin, a term he used to describe thin arms in King John.
While body-shaming is distasteful, yelling “You’re nothing but a dried bull’s penis!” is undeniably a striking insult, no matter the target’s size.
4. “ … a man … whose face isn’t worth the sun’s rays … ”
From: Henry V (Act 5, Scene 2)
King Henry: But, by God, Kate, I cannot feign passion or speak with polished eloquence,nor do I possess skill in declarations of love, onlyplain, blunt oaths, which I never use unless compelled, nordo I break them under pressure. If you can love a man ofthis nature, Kate, whose face isn’t worth the sun’s touch,who never gazes into a mirror out of admirationfor what he sees, let your eye be your guide.
King Henry V (formerly Prince Hal, now matured) utters this self-deprecating remark while proposing to Princess Katherine of France in the play’s second-to-last scene. By stating his face is “not worth sun-burning,” he emphasizes his belief in his lack of beauty, further reinforced by his admission, “I never look in the mirror to admire myself.” Shakespeare’s portrayal of Henry as unattractive isn’t arbitrary: the historical Henry V suffered an arrow wound to the face during the Battle of Shrewsbury. This also allows Henry to highlight to Katherine that “a good heart” endures, unlike physical beauty.
5. “You have no more brains than I have in my elbows … ”
From: Troilus and Cressida (Act 2, Scene 1)
Thersites: [Achilles] would smash you into pieces with hisfist like a sailor crushing a biscuit.Ajax: You filthy dog!Thersites: Go on, do it.Ajax: You witch’s stool!Thersites: Yes, go ahead, you dull-witted lord. Youhave no more brains than I have in my elbows; adonkey could teach you, you worthless, foolish brute.You’re only here to fight Trojans, and you’retraded like a barbarian slave among those with any sense.If you keep hitting me, I’ll start at your feet anddescribe your worthlessness inch by inch, yougutless creature.Ajax: You cur!
Thersites’s master, the renowned Greek warrior Ajax, is attempting to force him to reveal what he knows about Trojan prince Hector’s challenge for single combat against Greece’s chosen champion. Instead of cooperating, Thersites bombards him with a barrage of vivid insults. (To be fair, Ajax is physically assaulting him.) He essentially tells Ajax that he’s incredibly dim-witted and that smarter men are merely exploiting him as a weapon—but he’s not even skilled in battle, especially compared to Achilles. In combat, Thersites claims, “you strike as slowly as anyone else.”
“You have no more brains than I have in my elbows” is a straightforward insult, even for someone with minimal intelligence, and Thersites emphasizes this by stating that Ajax is so dense a small donkey could educate him.
6. “It seems to me you’re a universal nuisance, and every man should strike you.”
From: All’s Well That Ends Well (Act 2, Scene 3)
Lafew: Listen, your lord and master is married. Here’ssome news for you: you have a new mistress.Parolles: I sincerely beg your Lordshipto reconsider your harsh words. He ismy noble lord; the one I serve above all is my master.Lafew: Who? God?Parolles: Yes, sir.Lafew: It’s the devil who’s your master. Why do youtie up your arms like that? Are you turning your sleevesinto pants? Do other servants do this? You’dbe better off placing your lower half where your nose is. Bymy honor, if I were just two hours younger, I’dthrash you. It seems to me you’re a universal nuisance,and every man should strike you. I believe you weremade for men to vent their frustrations upon.Parolles: This is harsh and unjust treatment, mylord.
Lafew, an elderly French nobleman, informs Parolles that his companion Count Bertram has just married, and Parolles objects to Lafew calling Bertram his “master” (this isn’t their first dispute on the matter). Parolles is widely seen as a deceitful braggart, and Lafew takes great pleasure in mocking him.
“It seems to me you’re a universal nuisance” is a refined way of saying “You’re a massive problem for everyone,” but Lafew doesn’t stop there. “I believe you were made for men to vent their frustrations upon” implies Parolles is nothing more than a human stress reliever. Lafew also ridicules Parolles for his odd fashion choices, claiming his sleeves resemble leggings. Parolles’s reply to the barrage of insults? In modern terms, “I don’t deserve this treatment.”
7. “ … your beards aren’t worthy of an honorable grave, not even to stuff a cobbler’s cushion or to be buried in a donkey’s packsaddle.”
From: Coriolanus (Act 2, Scene 1)
Menenius: Even our priests would mock ifthey encountered such absurd figures asyou. When you speak most relevantly, itisn’t worth the movement of your beards, and yourbeards don’t deserve a dignified resting place, not evento stuff a cobbler’s cushion or to be buried in adonkey’s packsaddle. Yet you insist Martius isarrogant, though, by modest estimation, he surpassesall your ancestors since Deucalion, even if someof the best among them were born executioners. Good evening,your Worships. More of your chatter would poisonmy mind, as you herd the brutish plebeians. I willboldly take my leave of you.
Roman nobleman Menenius is berating the two tribunes (elected representatives of the commoners) Sicinius and Brutus for their incompetence. He accuses them of seeking political office for vanity and criticizes their focus on trivial matters. When they do address something important, Menenius claims their words are “not worth the movement of their beards”; in other words, their contributions are utterly worthless. As for their beards, he declares they aren’t even fit to stuff a cobbler’s cushion or a donkey’s packsaddle—a creative way to say, “You’re completely useless.”
8. “Begone, you offspring of a mangy dog!”
From: Timon of Athens (Act 4, Scene 3)
Apemantus: You are the pinnacle of all living fools.Timon: I wish you were clean enough to spit on!Apemantus: A plague on you! You’re too vile to curse.Timon: Every villain beside you seems pure.Apemantus: The only leprosy is in your words.Timon: If I name you,I’d strike you, but I’d risk infecting my hands.Apemantus: I wish my tongue could rot them off!Timon: Begone, you offspring of a mangy dog!Your existence enrages me.I faint at the sight of you.
Timon of Athens, left penniless due to his own reckless generosity, has retreated to the wilderness after his so-called friends refused to help him in his time of need. He’s fully embraced his hatred for humanity when the philosopher Apemantus visits him, and the two spend most of their time exchanging insults about how intolerable they find each other.
Apemantus is eloquent, but Timon arguably delivers the sharper one-liners—most notably, “If only you were clean enough to spit on!” His remark, “Away, thou issue of a mangy dog!”, is essentially Timon’s way of saying, “Get lost, you son of a filthy dog!” Quite bold for someone living in a cave.
9. “I’m amazed you keep talking … no one listens to you.”
From: Much Ado About Nothing (Act 1, Scene 1)
Beatrice: I’m amazed you keep talking, Signior Benedick, no one pays attention to you.Benedick: What, my dear Lady Disdain! Are you stillalive?Beatrice: How could disdain die when shehas such perfect nourishment as Signior Benedick?Even courtesy would turn to disdain in yourpresence.Benedick: Then courtesy is a traitor. But it’s certainthat all ladies love me, except for you; andI wish I could say I don’t have ahard heart, but truly, I love no one.Beatrice: What a blessing for women. Otherwise,they’d be plagued by a troublesome suitor.
Beatrice, the niece of Messina’s Governor Leonato, and Benedick, a noble soldier from Padua, are experts at playful banter. Leonato describes their relationship as “a kind of merry war” and “a battle of wits.” This is evident in their first verbal duel (in the play), which Beatrice initiates by saying, “I can’t believe you’re still talking—no one’s paying attention.” Benedick responds by expressing shock that “Lady Disdain” is still alive, and Beatrice counters with, “How could she die when she has you to feed on?” The exchange escalates, and Benedick delivers a final blow (though Beatrice isn’t impressed by his early exit).
10. “Villain, I’ve slept with your mother.”
From: Titus Andronicus (Act 4, Scene 2)
Demetrius: Villain, what have you done?Aaron: Something you can’t undo.Chiron: You’ve ruined our mother.Aaron: Villain, I’ve slept with your mother.
Demetrius and Chiron are responding to the revelation that their mother, Empress Tamora, has just given birth to a Black child—proving that the father isn’t her husband, Emperor Saturninus of Rome, but her Black lover, Aaron. In an otherwise dark and brutal tale, this exchange provides a moment of humor, heightened by the fact that Aaron isn’t joking: He truly has slept with their mother.
