Buzz
Some years ago, Sara C., a writer, felt undeniable chemistry with a coworker. At that time, she had been married for 14 years, but the dynamic with this man was flirtatious, and she began to focus on it. They talked frequently and met for coffee dates. Eventually, they slept together.
However, a boundary had already been crossed before their physical relationship began: Sara had emotionally invested in an illusion of a relationship, which eventually became real, to the detriment of her marriage.
“My affair definitely began as an emotional affair,” said Sara, whose last name is withheld for privacy. “I think many people in long-term relationships sometimes get stuck or face unresolved issues.”
“Whether it’s boredom, complacency, or frustration, I’m not entirely sure,” she added. “But it causes people to view others in a new light, and those connections can grow stronger.”
These lingering connections are often referred to as backburner relationships. A “backburner” is “a person with whom one is not currently committed, but maintains some level of communication, in order to preserve or create the possibility of future romantic and/or sexual involvement,” according to a 2014 study in Computers in Human Behavior.
The idea has also been referred to as “cushioning” — meaning, “I've got a Plan B in place to cushion the blow if Meg and I don’t work out.”
However, this goes beyond just a “what-if” scenario. Backburner relationships require relatively consistent communication, as Jayson Dibble, the lead author of the 2014 study and an assistant professor of communication at Hope College, explained to The Atlantic at the time.
These emotional affairs ― both real and imagined ― make sense when viewed from an evolutionary perspective: If the aim is to have numerous reproductive options, maintaining a casual “like” on Instagram or sending a simple “wanna get coffee?” text is an easy way to do it. At the same time, you ensure your future offspring will have a caretaker by staying in your current relationship.
Marriage and family therapist Elisabeth LaMotte compares cushioning to a “pre-meditated version of rebounding.”
Cushioning often points to a person's inability to function without being in a relationship, she noted. More often than not, our backburner partner fills (or appears to fill) something that's lacking in our primary relationship.
“With cushioning, you’re usually nurturing a secret flirtation with someone who symbolizes a strong defiance of the difficulties in one’s current relationship. For example, someone in a relationship with a successful but anxious partner might cushion with a more easygoing partner who is unable to maintain steady employment,” she said. “But cushioning deprives both parties of the opportunity to see if the anxiety (or other challenges) might be addressed through communication and effort with their primary partners.”
We believe the grass is greener elsewhere ― and in doing so, we may overlook what could be a solid relationship. Once pursued, backburner relationships face the same everyday challenges that any other couple encounters.
At times, a relationship fades away quickly or forces you to confront unresolved personal issues. This was the case for comedian and writer Xaxier Toby. Six years ago, Toby entered a relationship with a friend of a friend he’d always had “If only I were single...” thoughts about.
“I’d just been dumped and instead of processing that, I jumped straight into the backburner,” said Toby, author of several comedy books, including Mining My Own Business.
“It went nowhere, of course, and only postponed me dealing with the breakup pain, while unfairly involving someone in the emotional mess I was in at that time,” he added.
Toby now understands why backburner relationships are so prevalent.
“They give you a brief boost of validation that might be missing from your relationship due to turmoil, but that’s all they are,” he said. “They’re like sugar. Immediately satisfying, addictive, but with no real substance.”
Cushioning is unfair to both your current partner and the person acting as your cushion, said Samantha Burns, a dating coach and author of Breaking Up & Bouncing Back. They’re also unhealthy for you.
“Cushioning comes from a place of insecurity or underlying dissatisfaction with your current relationship,” she said. “If you’re cushioning, ask yourself why you crave outside attention and validation. Is it filling a gap in your relationship? Or is it just distracting you from realizing that you’re unhappy or disconnected from your partner?”
Take your time if needed. But if you realize you want to refocus on your primary relationship, do so intentionally.
“When you are more aware of your thoughts and emotions, you can decide whether you want to stay in your relationship and communicate with your partner rather than looking elsewhere,” Burns said. “Successful couples turn inward, not outward.”
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
