Buzz
[Congratulations! This entry took first place in our 2009 Christmas Contest. Wishing everyone a joyous holiday season!]
A more accurate title for this collection might be: Ten Odd Christmas Facts You Were Unaware Of (And Likely Preferred to Remain Unaware Of). I adore Christmas, and I have a fascination for strange, dark, and utterly peculiar trivia. I aimed to include a diverse mix of lesser-known facts, hoping you’d discover something about Christmas that not only surprises you but might also leave you wishing you hadn’t learned it. So, without further delay, here’s the list!
10. Incest, Corpses, and Jesus
What Connects Incest, an Embalmed Corpse, and Baby Jesus? Many are aware that, as per the Bible, the magi presented myrrh to the infant Jesus, alongside gold and frankincense. Some also know that myrrh (dried tree resin) served as an embalming agent or funeral incense (to disguise odors). However, few realize that, according to Ovid’s Metamorphoses, myrrh trees originated from Myrrha’s forbidden desire for her father, Cinyras. With her nursemaid’s assistance, Myrrha repeatedly slept with her oblivious father. Upon discovering her identity and their incestuous acts, Cinyras tried to kill her, but she fled. The gods, pitying her, transformed her into a myrrh tree to free her from shame. It’s likely the Magi didn’t include a gift receipt, making myrrh the First Unwanted Christmas Present.
9. Holy Crap!
Nativity scenes are familiar to all; the simplest feature baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and perhaps a few shepherds or animals, while elaborate ones include entire cities with countless figures. In regions of Spain, Portugal, and Italy, one figure often included is the caganer. Traditionally a Catalan peasant, it can now depict anyone, Santa Claus, or even the devil, as long as they are depicted defecating. The caganer is typically placed discreetly, away from the manger, presumably to avoid contaminating the animals’ water supply.
8. Dead Kids
Rub-a-dub-dub, Three Resurrected Kids in a Tub! Jolly Saint Nicholas, the patron saint of children, is said to have revived three murdered children who were preserved in brine. Legend has it that the children stayed overnight at an innkeeper’s or butcher’s home, where they were killed, dismembered, and pickled, with their remains intended to be sold as pork. Saint Nicholas arrived, miraculously bringing the children back to life, reassembling their bodies, and restoring them. This tale is often depicted in art, showing children standing in tubs or vats, and is referenced in the French song “La Légende de Saint Nicolas.” Whether the children were flavored with dill or garlic remains a mystery.
7. Ban It!
Let’s Celebrate Christmas Like Our Ancestors – By Outlawing It! In the U.S., annual debates arise over whether left-wing liberals, the ACLU, communist agitators, Jews, the government, corporations, or a combination thereof are conspiring to “ruin” Christmas. Advocates of this theory often call for a return to traditional Christmases, seemingly unaware that from 1659 to 1681, Christmas was banned in Massachusetts. The Puritans rejected December 25 as a religious date, as it wasn’t specified in the Bible, and they despised its Catholic associations. Moreover, Christmas was marked by rowdy behavior, with people indulging in drinking, gambling, and revelry, as noted by Rev. Increase Mather. If given the choice between modern shopping or the drunken festivities of old, many might quickly embrace a “traditional” Christmas.
6. Meow
Regular readers of this site are well-acquainted with Krampus, also known as Schmutzli or Knecht Ruprecht, Saint Nicholas’s companion who punishes naughty children by stuffing them into his sack and taking them to the Black Forest to devour, to hell, or to the river to drown. This fearsome figure was detailed in the list and comments of 15 Quite Bizarre Factlets. While this threat is undoubtedly terrifying, children can avoid such a grim fate by behaving well – unlike the unfortunate children of Iceland. According to Icelandic folklore, everyone must receive a new piece of clothing for Christmas. Those who don’t risk being eaten by the Christmas Cat, a massive, ferocious black cat owned by a family descended from trolls. (Misbehaving children were also at risk of being eaten by the ogress troll-mother herself.) There’s speculation that Wal-Mart might promote the idea that the Christmas Cat’s offspring have spread worldwide, aiming to boost next year’s holiday clothing sales.
5. Uncle Poop
One of the more peculiar gift-bearers during Christmas, with a truly unique delivery method, is the Caga tió (pooping uncle or, in this instance, a pooping log). Found in Catalonia, it’s a hollow log that families begin “feeding” and covering with a warm blanket starting at the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. On Christmas, the family gathers, sings songs, places the log partially into the fire, and beats it with sticks until it “poops” out treats like candy, nuts, or figs. When the log finishes, it signals the end by dropping salted herring, garlic, an onion, or by “urinating,” after which the entire log is burned. This tradition is the origin of the phrase, “If you don’t give me a present, I’ll beat the crap out of you.”
4. Wassailing
Wassailing might sound like a harmless, festive tradition—knocking on doors, singing carols, and perhaps receiving a warm drink or cookies. However, the original wassailers were far more aggressive, often barging into homes and demanding food, drink, or money from homeowners, refusing to leave until they were satisfied. If thrown out, they would curse, threaten, and sometimes vandalize the property. Think of the lines from *We Wish You a Merry Christmas*: “Now bring us some figgy pudding… we won’t go until we get some.” If you ever face a home invasion, you might lighten the mood by comparing your intruders to carolers singing, “Don we now our gay apparel, fa-la-la-la-la.”
3. Christmas Question
Q. What Do You Get A Dead Baby For Christmas? A. A Dead Puppy.
The Coventry Carol (which begins with *Lullay, thou little tiny child, Bye, bye, lully, lullay*) is an ancient song from the 15th century. It was performed in Coventry, England, as part of a Christmas play called *The Pageant of the Shearmen and Tailors*. The song references the Slaughter of the Innocents, an event described in the Gospel of Matthew where King Herod, fearing the rise of the newborn King of the Jews, ordered the massacre of all male children aged two and under in Bethlehem. In the play, the song is sung by Bethlehem’s women to comfort their children just before the soldiers arrive to kill them. Despite its grim theme, the song has endured, perhaps finding an unlikely fanbase among department store Santas. [JFrater: The Coventry Carol is my favorite Christmas carol, so I’ve included a YouTube clip above for your enjoyment.]
2. Castrations and a Cross
Leo V became Byzantine Emperor in 813 after forcing Michael I to abdicate, subsequently having Michael’s sons castrated. On Christmas Day in 820, Leo was praying alone at the altar of Hagia Sophia when a group of conspirators, disguised as priests and monks and led by Michael the Amorian (no relation to Michael I), attacked him. Unarmed, Leo defended himself with an incense burner and a large wooden cross but succumbed to his injuries after an hour. Michael was immediately proclaimed Emperor, and Leo’s four sons were castrated. Thankfully, this incident did not inspire the tradition of Christmas tree ornaments.
1. Mari Lwyd
The Old Gray Mare Isn’t What She Once Was. The Mari Lwyd is a horse’s skull adorned with bells and ribbons, mounted on a pole and carried by someone concealed under a white sheet. The eye sockets are often fitted with green glass, and the jaw may be spring-loaded, allowing the Mari to “snap” at onlookers. This tradition is observed in Southeast Wales during the Christmas season, especially around New Year’s. The Mari and her male companions engage in a singing contest with homeowners or pub-goers, exchanging playful insults (an early form of rap battles). If the Mari’s group wins, they gain entry and are rewarded with food and drink. As the men grow increasingly intoxicated, the Mari seems to transform in their eyes, appearing more beautiful, youthful, slender, and less deceased.
