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1. The Wedding Ceremony
In the past, both the bride's and groom's families held the wedding ceremony over two days. The groom's family hosted the first day, inviting relatives to attend and offer gifts. The groom's family borrowed the bride to introduce her, and the bride's family did the same in return. Afterward, the bride had to bow at the family altar to seek permission to leave her home. She would also pay respects to her parents, who had raised and cared for her. During this time, the mother would often offer advice to the daughter on marital life.
2. The Wedding Day
On the wedding morning, the parents light incense to honor the ancestors. The procession to bring the bride back must consist of an odd number of people, so that when the bride is added, the number becomes even, bringing good luck. Additionally, the groom's family arranges for a man to stand at the gate to ward off bad luck. In wealthier families, the groom would ride a horse, with a hammock for the bride following behind him: 'The groom leads on horseback, and the bride follows in the hammock.' Traditionally, the mother-in-law did not participate in the wedding procession because it was thought improper for both senior women of the families to be present. On this special day, there was concern that the couple might be too emotional and accidentally break dishes, so bridesmaids and groomsmen were carefully selected in advance.
3. The Bride’s Procession
The wedding procession stops at the entrance of the bride’s house, where the officiant and the groom’s assistant bring a tray of betel leaves, areca nuts, and wine to ask for permission to enter. Only after receiving consent can they proceed inside. The bride is then escorted by her parents to greet both families. Due to Western influence, nowadays the groom often presents flowers to the bride. In the past, the groom's family had to pay a 'cheo' (a dowry for the bride's village), which was different for those from the same village or another one. On the way back, the procession might be stopped by a red thread, and the groom's family would have to offer gifts and drinks to those holding the thread to avoid cutting the 'red string of fate.'
4. Arriving at the Groom’s House
When the procession nears the groom's house, the mother-in-law briefly leaves to visit a neighbor, symbolizing the hiding of the groom's family’s wealth. Although the bride’s wedding dress is sealed with nine needles to ward off evil spirits, she must still step over a bed of burning coal. The tradition of exchanging wedding rings is a Western custom. The groom's family and relatives give gifts to the bride and groom as they offer drinks. The couple then performs the ritual of bowing to the groom’s parents and elders, with four ceremonial bows: 'first bow to life, second to descendants, third to the Buddha, and fourth to the spirits.'
5. The First Night at the Groom's House
The bride serves wine to her new in-laws as a symbol of entering the groom's home. The newlyweds then enter the bedroom, following various traditions and taboos. Together, they pour wine into a large cup made from a dried gourd shell, a ritual called 'hợp cẩn.' The wine is then divided into two small cups, which they touch together in a toast called 'giao bôi,' drinking the wine to ensure they will 'be drunk in love' for a lifetime. In some areas, the second day after the wedding is called 'Lễ Lại Mặt' (the reunion ceremony), where the couple visits the bride's parents. In other places, this occurs on the fourth day, known as 'Lễ Tứ Hỉ.' The groom may also gift a pig to the bride's family, and if the pig is missing an ear, it is said that the bride lost her virginity before marriage.
6. Confucian Marriage Traditions
Confucianism was introduced to Vietnam as early as the 2nd century BC, following the Chinese invasion. It greatly influenced Vietnamese society, including marriage customs. In the past, Confucian teachings dictated that marriage should follow six ceremonies (lục lễ):
- Engagement Ceremony (Lễ Nạp Thái)
- Name and Age Inquiry (Lễ Vấn Danh) - the matchmaker would consult a fortune-teller to ensure compatibility
- Confirmation of Compatibility (Lễ Nạp Cát) - announcing that the couple's ages are aligned
- Formal Betrothal (Lễ Thỉnh Kỳ)
- Bridal Dowry (Lễ Nạp Tệ) - the groom's family presents money to the bride's family
- The Wedding Procession (Lễ Thân Nghinh) - the groom's family brings the bride to her new home
An old saying goes, "While the past followed six ceremonies, the future keeps only three" - meaning only the engagement, betrothal, and wedding ceremonies remain today.
7. The Engagement Ceremony
The groom, through a matchmaker, brings gifts to the bride's family. The value of the gifts varies depending on the family's circumstances, but they always include betel leaves and areca nuts, symbolizing love and marital bond (the legend of betel and areca), and alcohol, representing the formalities of marriage—without alcohol, there can be no proper ceremony.
In the past, the bride's parents had the final say in the marriage, but later, the girl was often asked for her approval. If she agreed, the groom's family would proceed to the next ceremony.
8. The Betrothal Ceremony
On the appointed day, the groom’s family brings gifts to the bride’s family to perform the betrothal ceremony (engagement). After paying respects to the ancestors and presenting the engagement gifts, the groom’s role is now to prove his worth by assisting the bride’s parents with household duties, showing his ability to care for her.
If the bride’s family deems him unworthy during the ceremony, they may return the gifts. Additionally, during holidays or anniversaries, the groom is expected to contribute gifts, a custom known as 'Sêu' in the North.
