Buzz
There will be times when your parents think you should date, but it's not always at a time that's right for you. While sneaking around behind their backs isn't something you'd want to make a habit of, sometimes it's necessary. If you find yourself in this situation, it’s important to handle it the right way. This guide will show you how to do it responsibly.
Steps to Take
Evaluating Your Decision to Date Secretly
Think about how dating in secret could impact your relationship with your parents. You’ll be lying to them frequently about something that's important to them. It's a big deal to them—they may think you're not ready to date, and that could make the constant dishonesty weigh on you. Here are some things to consider before you decide to date without telling your parents:
- You won’t be able to share the excitement of your relationship with them.
- You’ll be constantly telling lies, not just occasionally. Eventually, this might take a toll on you.
- There’s a chance you could slip up. A wrong word, an accidental encounter, or a comment from another parent could give you away.
- Your parents may have valid reasons for their disapproval. It might be helpful to talk about those reasons before making your final decision.
Remember, you’re still young. There’s plenty of time ahead of you to meet that special someone. It may feel important now, but dating isn’t a life-or-death decision, even if it seems that way in the moment.
Carefully consider whether you should ask for permission to date. Explain to your parents that someone is interested in dating you, and that you'd like to pursue it. Acknowledge that they may not approve, but offer solid reasons why you can be trusted. Let them set conditions for how the dating will go, such as only seeing each other in a group or returning home early after each date. This approach might be much more responsible than sneaking around and lying all the time.
- Check out How to tell your parents you have a boyfriend for more helpful advice.
Making it seem casual
Spend time with your date and others. By hanging out with your date in a group setting, your parents are less likely to become suspicious, as the date will just seem like another part of the group dynamic.
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Use your best friend as a cover story. If your boyfriend or girlfriend invites you on a date, tell your parents you're going out with your best friend, who should be the same gender as you. Make sure your best friend is willing to help cover for you if necessary. Alternatively, you could say you’re heading out for a girls’ or guys’ night out instead.
Stay away from social media to keep things discreet. Think long and hard before using platforms like Facebook or Myspace to communicate with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
Don’t send any loving texts if your parents are always checking your phone!
Managing the obvious signs
Avoid doing anything that could give away the fact that you're dating, such as getting hickeys.
Keep your composure and stay calm. When you start dating someone, you’ll likely feel excited and happy. This shift can be noticeable, especially if you’re usually more down or quiet. People will pick up on your new “glow” and may guess what’s going on. If your parents ask, simply say something like, "I just realized I don’t want to be gloomy all the time; I’m working on being more positive and appreciating the little things in life."
Keep the act up as best as you can. Understand that this charade may need to go on for a long time, and that’s something you’ll have to manage internally, while continuing to appear like everything is normal outwardly. Try to keep your relationship under wraps until either you break up or your parents give you the green light to date. When they finally say you can date, come home from school the next day and share the news. Just be cautious not to reveal you have a boyfriend/girlfriend too soon, or your parents might get suspicious about why you started dating right after they gave their approval.
Flat-out deny it. If your parents ask, "Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?", deny it completely and say that you haven’t thought about dating anyone. It’s a lie, and if they have proof otherwise, be prepared for things to get awkward. You may have walked right into a trap, and the situation probably won’t go as smoothly from there.
Handling friends and your relationship
Keep it from your friends, if you can. If you can’t keep it a secret from your friends, share it only with a few close mutual friends and make them promise not to tell anyone. If they do spill the beans, tell them you’re upset and ask them to keep it quiet. If they keep telling others, tell them it was just a joke you and your friend were playing on each other.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to meet your parents, be prepared to explain why you can’t do it right now. Give them a reason for why it’s not the right time to introduce your partner to your parents.
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If your boyfriend or girlfriend is allowed to date but you’re not, ask them not to share it with their parents. Eventually, your parents will meet theirs, and their parents might mention something like, "I can’t believe our kids have been dating for so long." This web of secrecy only grows, making it harder to keep the lie going.
The advice in this section comes from the real-life experiences of Mytour readers like you. If you have any tips to share on Mytour, feel free to submit them in the box below.
- Consider explaining to your parents why you want to date. They may have valid reasons for not wanting you to date. If they still say no, let the guy or girl know that you like them, but you can't date them. If they truly care about you, they’ll understand and be happy to remain friends.
- If you have their phone number, consider changing their name in your contacts. For example, if you're a girl dating a guy, change his name to a girl’s name.
Important Warnings
- Think carefully about dating someone without your parents' approval. Sooner or later, you will get caught. People talk, and even if you’re careful, you’re living in an age where every moment can be captured digitally, in places you might not even expect.
