How to Respond to a Friend Who Constantly Cancels Plans—and More Etiquette Tips from Hoda and Jenna

Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager, the dynamic hosts of TODAY with Hoda and Jenna, are the go-to experts for our 'Modern Manners for Your Social Dilemmas' etiquette column. They’ve been sharing their straightforward, genuine advice on air for years (tune in live on weekdays at 10 a.m. ET). Explore their wisdom on tackling a range of social dilemmas—including navigating tricky mother-in-law situations—below.

Got a tricky social problem? Send your question to [email protected], and you could get some expert advice from Hoda and Jenna in a future Mytour issue.

How to Handle Receiving a Gift You Don’t Love

BETH ASKS: My husband and I recently celebrated our 15th anniversary. He bought me a beautiful gold necklace, but I already have an identical one that I don’t wear. I thanked him sincerely before gently mentioning the other necklace. He was surprised but kind and said I could choose something else. However, our children were upset because I didn’t seem thrilled with the gift. They said it's the thought that counts. Did I make a mistake by not accepting it happily?

JENNY BUSH HAGER: Honesty and openness are key in relationships. It seems like you and your husband are handling this well, staying on the same page.

HODA KOTB: You probably taught your children that when someone gives you a gift, you express gratitude because they put in effort. But there’s a subtle art to gift giving, and that’s an important lesson as well. Your kids are seeing how you both handle this situation. It’s great that they get to witness the mature conversation you had about it. He doesn’t seem upset—he sounds understanding! Trust what he says.

JBH: You’re showing your kids that in healthy, loving relationships, it’s okay to be honest. Great job!

Jenna Bush Hager

How to Handle a Challenging Mother-in-Law

CECILE ASKS: My mother-in-law is reserved, deeply religious, and often passive-aggressive. She doesn’t enjoy meeting new people and prefers staying within her family circle or volunteering at her church. She believes her children—my husband and his three siblings—should care for her as she did for them. However, I struggle being around her. She isn’t a particularly happy or open-minded person. Any advice on how to cope?

JBH: When you marry someone, you also become a part of their family. I believe there’s a certain level of respect and kindness that should extend to them as well. It can be challenging, so you might want to consider seeing a therapist, either on your own or with your husband. Also, have an open conversation with him about boundaries. You don’t have to live with her. There’s a middle ground where you can offer support and stay in touch without committing to constant presence.

HK: I’d recommend having a discussion with your husband and saying, 'I know your mom loves you and your siblings, and I think it’s wonderful that you’re so close, but we also have our own family.' Make sure there’s designated time for your mother-in-law so she feels seen, loved, and included. Maybe set a weekly dinner date. But if boundaries are an issue, talk to your husband about it. I do believe children should support their mothers, so I understand that sentiment.

JBH: Keep in mind, everything your husband does for his mother is a reflection of how he will treat you. Maybe focus on that and appreciate the balance he’s trying to maintain.

How to Handle a Friend Who Constantly Cancels Plans

FRANCES ASKS: I have a close friend who often reaches out to schedule lunch, and we agree on a date and time. I mark it on my calendar and look forward to it. But then, like clockwork, she cancels a couple of days before, citing things like not feeling well or some last-minute issue. She doesn’t offer another time. Should I suggest an alternative date, or just leave it and wait for her to get back to me?

JBH: You just have to let it go. In deep, meaningful friendships, some flexibility is necessary. It’s not about you or the friendship. Honestly, it’s probably more about someone being overcommitted.

HK: Yes, she’s likely overwhelmed and might feel guilty for canceling so often. You could send her a message saying, 'When things calm down, give me a call. I’m always here.' Show her some understanding. She’ll likely appreciate it more than you know.

When to Draw the Line

STEPHANIE ASKS: I’m a mom of two with a somewhat flexible schedule. I’m always happy to help when I can, but how do you handle parents who only reach out when they need something, never offering anything in return? Should I suggest hiring a nanny?

HK: Don’t recommend a nanny—that’s up to them. How you manage your time and whether or not you help others is entirely your choice. You can simply say, 'I’ve got a pretty packed schedule. I’m happy to help when I’m available, but I can’t commit to [fill in the blank].' You have to set clear boundaries because no one will know them unless you speak up.

JBH: Maybe try asking the same person for a favor so it feels more like a give-and-take. Ask if they can handle school pickup for a day so you can take care of something else. If they say no, then you have your answer.

HK: Yes, that’s a great idea. The next time they ask, just ask for something in return.

JBH: Work on balancing the relationship from your side. But if it doesn’t improve, it’s perfectly fine to say no. You don’t want to feel taken advantage of, and people should recognize that you only get what you give. Even if you’re busy, there are always ways to reciprocate if you truly want to.

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