Buzz
Few things can be as isolating as being in a relationship with someone who refuses to speak to you. The constant silence can feel maddening, and it's easy for your thoughts to spiral, wondering what you might have done to deserve it.
When used with malice, the silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation, often employed to make the other person feel guilty or to force a behavioral change that benefits the one giving the silence. However, there are ways to break this silence and communicate effectively, even in the face of such passive-aggressive behavior.
What exactly is the silent treatment?
You're likely familiar with the concept. It essentially refers to one person in a relationship deliberately ignoring their significant other, friend, family member, or child for extended periods. Sometimes, the person who is silent might not even offer any explanation for their absence.
As Princeton psychology professor Joel Cooper shared with The Atlantic earlier this year, the silent treatment strips away one of the most fundamental, instinctual needs of human beings.
Humans need social interaction to maintain mental health, so the effects of isolation can be profound... In the short term, the silent treatment creates stress. Over time, this stress can turn into a form of abuse.
There's no singular reason someone might stop all verbal interaction, but a key characteristic of the silent treatment is that it often stems more from the silent individual's personal issues than anything external. Daryl Austin writes in The Atlantic that different personalities resort to silence for various reasons:
Some passive personalities may use silence to avoid conflict and confrontation, while more dominant personalities might use it to control or punish. In some cases, individuals might not even be consciously aware they are doing it at all.
The silent treatment is a harmful (non)communication strategy often employed to manipulate someone's emotions, causing confusion, anxiety, and self-doubt. It can also happen when the person giving the silent treatment is emotionally overwhelmed and struggles to express their feelings verbally. While less malicious, this reason can still have negative consequences. A 2014 study by Paul Schrodt, a professor at Texas Christian University, revealed that it may even signal the onset of divorce in married couples.
How to recognize if it’s harmful
If you're in a long-term relationship and experience the silent treatment for the first time, it’s important to look for signs that indicate the situation may be evolving into an abusive pattern. Healthline highlights several warning signs that suggest the silent treatment is escalating into a harmful form of behavior.
One key indicator of emotional abuse is when the victim feels compelled to apologize or change their behavior just to end the silence. Healthline elaborates on this issue as follows:
The silent treatment happens frequently and persists for longer durations.
The silent treatment stems from a desire to punish, not from a need to take a break or gain some perspective.
It only ceases when you apologize, beg, or submit to the demands being made.
You’ve adjusted your behavior in an effort to prevent triggering the silent treatment.
How to handle the silent treatment
One approach to addressing the silent treatment is to directly acknowledge it, but it’s crucial to avoid coming across as accusatory or confrontational. Psychiatrist Elizabeth Gordon recently shared with Fatherly that when on the receiving end, it’s important to use "I-statements" to express your feelings. For instance, you might say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been really quiet recently,” or “It seems like you’re shutting me out.”
One uncertain approach to handling the situation might be to simply wait it out, hoping that the issue will eventually blow over. This could theoretically work if your partner is dealing with something internally that they will eventually move past.
However, if this doesn’t resolve the issue, you may need to be emotionally honest. Expressing that the situation is hurtful could be just as effective, if not more, than hoping things will fix themselves. And as psychologist Andrea F. Pollard mentioned in Psychology Today, it may help to see the silent person with compassion.
She wrote:
Consider that the person using the silent treatment may feel as though they have no other solution. This is their own suffering too. When you recognize their pain, you may feel less like a victim and more inclined to offer
empathy
, a hug, or support.
Of course, if this behavior becomes a regular pattern in your relationship, it’s advised to seek professional help to explore the underlying causes. If all attempts to break the silence fail, it may be time to consider ending the relationship.
